Changes

"She's weird, but we're working on changing that."  It surprised me to hear those words come out of her mouth.  She's old enough to be my mother, and my mother knows you can't change people.  If they're weird, they're weird, and you'd be better off accepting that.

And she's not that weird, either, this girl.  Quirky, yes.  Eclectic tastes, very probably.  But weird?

Not remotely.

But I didn't say anything.  After all, what are the odds of changing the old lady?

Slim to none, I'd say.

And I'd be pretty weird if I couldn't see that.

Cool Rain

It's a cool, rainy day at work today.  That means there aren't many guests - I've seen fewer than 20 people and it is 2:30.

But it also means time for pleasant chats with co-workers and tea by the wood stove and "ginger snaps" that turned out more like molasses cookies.

So all in all, I don't mind the weather.

Love

Someone asked me today, "What does love feel like?"

I didn't know how to answer.  How do you answer that?  What does love feel like?

I'm getting married in four months.  In four months from this exact moment, I will be married.  This morning I said love felt different at different times: giddy and light and floating some days, grounded and connected and safe others.

I wanted to say it was also wonderful knowing that you might fight but you were still rock solid as a couple, that you'd still have each other's backs.  I didn't say that but I thought it.

I just had my first wedding planning meltdown.  I probably should have included the fighting thing in my description of what love feels like.

Because based on that meltdown, we're fricken head over heels.

Connection

Sometimes I feel like I can't connect to people.  How does everyone do it?  How do other people forge relationships out of common interests and well matched personalities?

I seem to do fine in the moment but when the moment is over I'm left wondering what to do next.  My friendships are with people that I've either spent a significant amount of vulnerable time with, or with people who pursue a relationship with me.  It never occurs to me to pursue relationships with other people.

And that is the crux of the issue.  Am I defective for not seeking out relationships?  Does that signify a lack of social skills or awareness?  Am I less of a woman for not making friends quickly and easily?

It's not that I don't like people, or that they don't like me.

****

That is what I started writing yesterday.

But yesterday evening I connected with someone in what felt like a genuine, meaningful, and sincere way.  So maybe I was just having a melancholy moment.

I guess we'll see if I maintain the connection after the show is over.

Earache

I have avoided going to the doctor two weekends in a row, for a damn earache.  I feel like I'm five - what adult gets ear infections every two months?

I do, apparently.

Sigh.  I'm sure if I just adjusted my diet they'd stop.  Perhaps once my evenings are my own again I'll put in the time to focus on what I'm eating that's causing this pain.

After I go to the doctor and get cured, that is.

Scratches

I meant to get a screen protector for my iPhone. Honest, I did. But I never got around to it and now there are two scratches (and many little marks of wear) on this poor piece of tech.

Sorry, iPhone. It's okay though. I still like you.

Clothes Horse

I kinda want this costume in my closet.

At least the skirt.

Also, I wish my ankles took to heels with less trouble. It's been half an hour - and only ten minutes of that standing, at most - and they twinge most piteously.

Sigh.

Waiting

Waiting for office machinery to decide it is ready to work is SO BORING.

In other news, I'm picking up my wedding dress tomorrow. I guess that means I have to stop procrastinating on printing those wedding invitations.

Tension

I hate walking into a room that is full to the brim of tension; feelings running high, tangible, you could cut through this negative energy with a knife.

A dull knife.

All I can do is avoid taking it in and try to bring a positive light into the space.

So that's what I'll do.

Blanking

I just lost lines I know cold, in our first off-book run.

Boo.

Oh well. That's life for you sometimes.

Our Little Secret

We've stopped giving Z. any human food. She was getting so gassy it became a necessity.

Except I just gave her a piece of cheese, and said, "Shh. It'll be our secret."

Until she fart-alarms herself and stinks us out, anyway.

Age

My little brother is 27 today. By his next birthday he'll have a little baby.

Some people my age (29) hide their years as if getting old was something to be ashamed of. Sometimes I fall into that trap too, but mostly I try to follow my mom's lead and remember that not everyone gets a 29th birthday, so I will count it as a blessing and enjoy every year as if it were my last.

Because one year it will be.

Faucet Face

I am getting over a cold, or I have had a cold for near-on a week but in varying degrees. My nose is in the awkward dripping phase where I kinda want to just stick a wadded up Kleen-X in my nose and leave it there.

But that would be gross, so I won't.

Mirrors

Is it too cheesy if I walk down the aisle to Justin Timberlake's "Mirrors"?

Because I really like that song.

Even though I know it's probably going to be a very popular wedding song and I'd have to let go of being unique in my wedding song choice.

Hair

I've never sat under one of these hair dryers before. I feel like I should be an old lady getting my hair blued and permed.

And now I'm sleepy. It's so warm in here, with the air swirling gently around my head.

Content

I finished and mailed our taxes today.

We had a productive day.

And now we're vegging in our evening, happy in each others company, my biggest question whether "others" needs an apostrophe.

Nerves

I hate pre-audition nerves.

The end.

Confusion

"You know that bar over the stairs? Yesterday I grabbed it with my hands and put one leg over it!" He chortles at me with a goofy grin and I smile in a way that I hope doesn't look too puzzled.

Sometimes when people tell me things I get confused as to why I'm supposed to care. Had we been talking about climbing random objects in the museum? I don't think so.

Why was that anecdote so funny?

Is he the socially awkward one or am I?

Emerging

For the last month I've spent what seems like every waking moment either at work or at rehearsal/shows.  It's been fun but what a busy, hectic time!

I don't think S. and I can do another run like that - with both of us gone all the time the house kinda fell apart.  No clean dishes, no clean clothes, no-one to hang out with Z...she started moping and shaking every time we brushed our teeth, thinking we were going to leave her again.  She's pretty good at noticing our 'leaving the house' routine, although her 'cause and effect' logic is a little faulty.

But I'm glad we had the chance to do the show anyway, and I'm glad we had a chance to see what happens to us when we're both that crazy busy.

For the record, what happens is we fight a lot.  Now we know.  I think next time we get in that situation we'll be able to manage it better.

I hope.

I'm going into rehearsals for another show starting tonight.  A little part of me thinks I'm insane because I'm also trying to plan a wedding and get all of that stuff done.  Another part of me thinks it's just another month and then I'll be into a regular schedule again.

I think it'll be fine.

I've also had three different stories floating through my mine, all ones I've worked on and need to finish.  It's been impossible to find time to write - here or anywhere else - and I've noticed it.  It's pulling my brain into little pieces.  I wonder if it's been beneficial because I've put time into thinking; maybe it's been detrimental because I haven't caught all of my thoughts on the page.

So I'm going to go capture some of those thoughts.

Über Busy

I'm super tired.

I'm also super busy.

The other day my mother said, "At least you aren't stressed about all your wedding details being perfect." I said, "No, my stress is that the details happen at all."

That's how busy I've been.

But at least it's been fun stuff to be busy with.

Go see live theatre. It's a rush, and makes my extra-curricular work worth it!