Not a "Real Mommy"

I've been reading a lot of mom blogs and parenting articles and baby/pregnancy related things online lately. Makes sense, since that's the page of life I'm on. But yesterday I read a post on Scary Mommy that really upset me.

I usually really like Scary Mommy. I find their posts funny, informative, interesting. This one was trying to be funny, I know that. But I think the joke was a little one sided.

The author went on, at length, about how when you get pregnant you are going to get fat. That's fine. I'm definitely bigger than I was pre-pregnancy (and that makes sense, since I'm currently carrying a two pound human in my belly).

But she made one comment - and it was really just this one comment that hurt me - "if you don't get fat, all of us real moms will hate you."

I'm not fat. And here's the thing. I've never been fat. To assume that I have no body issues or have never been given grief about my size, though, is idiotic.

I've had grandmothers fret over my thin arms. I've had people ask me how much (or if) I eat. Do you want to know what it feels like to know that people think you have an eating disorder when you don't? It isn't fun. It made me second guess my body size, type, my health. And yes, I said "made" past tense because now I don't care. I know my body and I'm old enough to know that people can be accidentally insensitive, both to those who are overweight and to those who are not.

During this pregnancy I've heard more times than I can count, "Oh, you're so tiny!" Or "How far along are you?" in incredulous tones, as if I can't possibly know the real number - look how small I am. It has caused me stress - what if I'm not growing enough? Should I eat more? Is my baby okay?

My midwives are happy with my size. They have, without knowing it, reassured me so many times. When people say things, not meaning to be hurtful or dreaming that they're causing me stress - some of them even think they're complimenting me - I can say to myself, I'm the right size for me and my baby. My baby is healthy. I know this baby better than anyone and I know my body better than anyone and they can all go to hell. And I can smile and say out loud whatever socially appropriate response I've been taught to say.

And then I read an article stating that because I'm not 50 pounds over my pre-pregnancy weight, I'm not a real mommy and I get furious. So this moving little one is fake? I'm not genuinely pregnant because my body is different from yours? That makes my motherhood null and void to you?

I got angry. I cried a bit. I am (whatever that author may say) genuinely pregnant and hormonal, and both anger and tears come much more easily than they did before.

And I kinda want to find that woman and tell her to her well-intentioned face, Go fuck yourself. You and all the other "real mommies" out there. Because I'm as real a mother as anyone else and when we, even in jest, start judging each other as parents based on our fucking body size, something is really, really wrong with us.

And I don't think that's funny at all.

Insecurity

I have a friend who is very insecure about being single.

All of her friends are either married or ensconced in solid relationships. Some have children. Some don't.

She jokes about her spinsterhood. I don't know what to say so I joke along.

What I actually want to say is, you're amazing on your own. You don't need a man. Please, please, please learn how to be happy alone because you won't be happy with someone when you're so desperate to not be by yourself.

But I don't.

And I wonder which of us is actually the insecure one.

Bigger

I feel really big and unwieldy today.

Yes, I know it's just going to get worse. Yes, I know I'm just going to get bigger.

That's just how I feel today.

Counterpoint

I love hearing the racing heartbeat that is pounding in counterpoint to mine right now.  It shifted gears while we listened, starting slow and then speeding up as Baby "got excited", as the midwife put it.  I wonder if it could hear the heartbeat outside my body, or if my heart sped up when I heard the confirmation of the squirming little life inside me?

I was also glad to hear that I'm growing nicely, a good size for where this little one is at.

In related news, I really hope that nesting is a real thing, because I currently have no motivation to go and clean that spare room, or our room, and both of them really need it before Baby arrives.

TMI

Some days I dream ridiculous. What would it be like if I could do magic? Shape shift? See the future?

Other days I dream big. What I'd do with a house of my own, if I won the lottery, if I got a sudden promotion.

Other days I'd settle for being able to poop.

Expansion Program

So, I'm pregnant.

Or, as a co-worker put it, I'm on an expansion program.

I'm really enjoying being pregnant, which doesn't really surprise me so much as thrill me, because I know not everyone does enjoy it. Even when I was miserable, nauseated, exhausted - I can't say I enjoyed that but I didn't begrudge it.

Though the first day I didn't fit my pants was an unpleasant feeling.

I have been the same size for, gosh, I don't even know how many years. I've never struggled with my weight, never had to diet or work out (which actually means I'm a slender but not terribly fit person)...and even though I knew pregnancy came with a shift in size, it was still a bit of a surprise. An adjustment, both physically and mentally - and much more of a mental one.

I had a few days where I just felt fat. I wasn't really showing yet, but didn't feel comfortable in my clothes. It was disconcerting. I felt guilty about feeling fat, like I was blaming Baby when I was actually very happy to have Baby. Even being happy about it, I had to realize it was okay to feel weird about giving up my body for a while.

Now that I'm really showing though, and in maternity pants (I'm sure the comfort has something to do with it!) I'm no longer bothered by my bigger self. It still surprises me. Last night, watching a movie, I stretched and touched my stomach and looked down in surprise at the extra-ness of it. But it doesn't bother me.

I'm glad I can enjoy the journey of expansion along with my little one.

After all, isn't that what life is all about?

Different times

Is it okay to describe someone as negro?

A co-worker did that today and it jarred against my ear.

What about putting on a terrible Chinese "accent", complete with l's for r's?

That one was rhetorical. I know the answer to that one.

I guess men of a certain age haven't gotten the memo - times have changed but they have not.

Wrestling

Wrestling with my conscience sucks.

Especially when there's $1250.00 riding on making a morally ambiguous - okay, wrong - choice.

Our neighbourhood wasn't evacuated. We were close to the flooding but our building never even lost power. Our basement didn't get damp. If it hadn't been for the news I might not have even known there was a flood going on.

There is flood relief money -$1250.00 per adult - available for people who were evacuated and left their home for seven days. This obviously doesn't apply to us. Or to our next door neighbours, who didn't leave either (though it would have been nice if they had, and taken their disgusting chain smoking habits with them...but that's another story). But guess who went and claimed disaster relief money?

That's right. Our neighbours. They filled out a form claiming they'd left their home and had been gone for a week. They lied through their nicotine stained teeth and then told us about it while unloading their ill-gotten goods (groceries, clothes, and alcohol) from their taxi cab.

Frick.

We were tempted. I can't lie about that. S. and I aren't rich and we're paying for a wedding in the fall as well as paying off a car and two student loans. We could totally have used two and a half thousand dollars. And god, it was tempting. So fucking tempting!

But I couldn't. I just couldn't. How would I look Sam Vimes in the face knowing I'd basically stolen money because the people giving it out weren't checking eligibility requirements strictly enough?

(And yes, the fictional character Sam Vimes was my moral compass for this decision.)

My soul feels better for making the choice I did.

But damn, I'm glad I don't have to make choices like that every day. My wrestling muscles just aren't in good enough shape.

Hell and High Water

That is this city's phrase right now, referring to the Stampede.

It fits the flood that happened a mere 9 days ago.

It also fits the ridiculously hot weather we had yesterday and today.

The little lady doesn't like the heat, and she doesn't like not being able to go into the river.

But the balcony is cool in the evenings so we sit out there and listen to the nearby toddler sing us the song of his people (it has a lot of unintelligible screaming so far).

Rain, Rain, Go Away Already!

It's raining.

Like, raining raining.  Like, the city is being evacuated because of flooding.  So far we're allowed to stay home.

I hope it stays that way.

But the weather can change any time.

That Feeling

You know when someone else has the ability to make your heart smile?

Yeah.

That's love.

Old Fogey

I started writing a blog post last night as I was going to bed, laying it out in my head.  Dammit!  I should have gotten up and written it down, because it's gone now.  Completely, undeniably gone beyond all recollection.

Is it terrible, or merely a sign of the times I live in, that I wanted to put a 'sad face emoticon' here?

It's strange to me that people growing up after me will live in a world where there have always been cell phones, texting, Facebook, wireless connections, the chance to immediately record your life and instantly share it with the world.

The other day I overheard two kids arguing while I was walking Z.  One was accusing the other of stealing something, and she came back with, "Show me the video and then I'll believe it."  Pics or it didn't happen.  They are so used to having every moment of their lives recorded that the absence of a recording equals innocence.

Which I guess kinda fits into the whole "innocent until proven guilty" thing, but still.  The sentiment behind it is what bothered me.

It makes me sound like an old fogey though.  "Back in the day, when I had to walk uphill both ways to school..."  It is a little disconcerting to see the world change, although it makes me more sympathetic to the actual old fogeys out there.

Has every generation, since the beginning of mankind, watched the world change in their lifetime?  Has there been even one torch passed where nothing changed, where the world remained stagnant?

I kinda doubt it.  And maybe that's the way it should be.

On Time

This event was supposed to start five minutes ago and they're still doing acceptance speeches.  At this rate I'll be here until tomorrow.

Patience is a virtue I have yet to learn, apparently.

Changes

"She's weird, but we're working on changing that."  It surprised me to hear those words come out of her mouth.  She's old enough to be my mother, and my mother knows you can't change people.  If they're weird, they're weird, and you'd be better off accepting that.

And she's not that weird, either, this girl.  Quirky, yes.  Eclectic tastes, very probably.  But weird?

Not remotely.

But I didn't say anything.  After all, what are the odds of changing the old lady?

Slim to none, I'd say.

And I'd be pretty weird if I couldn't see that.

Cool Rain

It's a cool, rainy day at work today.  That means there aren't many guests - I've seen fewer than 20 people and it is 2:30.

But it also means time for pleasant chats with co-workers and tea by the wood stove and "ginger snaps" that turned out more like molasses cookies.

So all in all, I don't mind the weather.

Love

Someone asked me today, "What does love feel like?"

I didn't know how to answer.  How do you answer that?  What does love feel like?

I'm getting married in four months.  In four months from this exact moment, I will be married.  This morning I said love felt different at different times: giddy and light and floating some days, grounded and connected and safe others.

I wanted to say it was also wonderful knowing that you might fight but you were still rock solid as a couple, that you'd still have each other's backs.  I didn't say that but I thought it.

I just had my first wedding planning meltdown.  I probably should have included the fighting thing in my description of what love feels like.

Because based on that meltdown, we're fricken head over heels.

Connection

Sometimes I feel like I can't connect to people.  How does everyone do it?  How do other people forge relationships out of common interests and well matched personalities?

I seem to do fine in the moment but when the moment is over I'm left wondering what to do next.  My friendships are with people that I've either spent a significant amount of vulnerable time with, or with people who pursue a relationship with me.  It never occurs to me to pursue relationships with other people.

And that is the crux of the issue.  Am I defective for not seeking out relationships?  Does that signify a lack of social skills or awareness?  Am I less of a woman for not making friends quickly and easily?

It's not that I don't like people, or that they don't like me.

****

That is what I started writing yesterday.

But yesterday evening I connected with someone in what felt like a genuine, meaningful, and sincere way.  So maybe I was just having a melancholy moment.

I guess we'll see if I maintain the connection after the show is over.

Earache

I have avoided going to the doctor two weekends in a row, for a damn earache.  I feel like I'm five - what adult gets ear infections every two months?

I do, apparently.

Sigh.  I'm sure if I just adjusted my diet they'd stop.  Perhaps once my evenings are my own again I'll put in the time to focus on what I'm eating that's causing this pain.

After I go to the doctor and get cured, that is.

Scratches

I meant to get a screen protector for my iPhone. Honest, I did. But I never got around to it and now there are two scratches (and many little marks of wear) on this poor piece of tech.

Sorry, iPhone. It's okay though. I still like you.

Clothes Horse

I kinda want this costume in my closet.

At least the skirt.

Also, I wish my ankles took to heels with less trouble. It's been half an hour - and only ten minutes of that standing, at most - and they twinge most piteously.

Sigh.