You have 5 Minutes before you will completely lose your memory of 2010. Set an alarm for five minutes and capture the things you most want to remember about 2010.
Here I go.
S. Him this year. His generosity. His love. Just him, in his life, crotchety and funny and sweet and sour.
Z. The dog. Her puppyhood when she was sweet and her current state where she's not. Such a biter. So much work to be done. Sigh.
Saskatoon. Hearing Keith Kochner speak. Having those ideas sink into my soul and remind me of what is important and what is not.
Learning about the way the world is working, the tyranny and oppression and removal of freedoms that is happening every day and nobody gives a shit. Alex Jones has a lot of information about this. It's scary but it's important to know. Even if you don't believe it, it's important to know. The Canadian government just passed a bill so that American troops can come to Canada to maintain order during an emergency. I think Canada gets to define emergency - but maybe not. And either way, we've just signed away some of our sovereignty. Great work, government...and great work, Canadian public, letting that one slide through without a whisper of protest.
The love I've experienced this year. I would want to remember that too. The revelations I've had in churches and at home.
And my five minutes are up.
That went faster than I expected. But I think I remembered the important things.
Showing posts with label lists. Show all posts
Showing posts with label lists. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Saturday, December 11, 2010
11 Things
11 things I don't need. 11 things I'll try to eliminate in 2011.
1. I don't need One World Governance. Individual countries need to keep their freedom.
2. I don't need higher taxes. The economy won't improve unless people have money to spend, after all.
3. I don't need my freedoms being restricted in the name of security.
These three, all I can do about them is to protest the bills being passed that pave the way for these things to happen; and to use my voting power wisely; and to be aware, informed and unafraid. Keep my eyes open. Look for the light.
4. I don't need the procrastination I exude towards my writing. This is probably the easiest, and hardest, to eliminate...just by sitting down and making myself write.
5. I don't need poverty, and I don't need riches. However, I also don't have riches so I can't get rid of that one...and I've been trying to get rid of poverty for a long time. Perhaps I need to reevaluate my definition of poverty.
6. I don't need stress. I am learning to manage the things I find stressful and I am getting better at not internalizing things I don't need to.
7. I don't need meaningless anger. With learning what to internalize and what to shut out, I am getting better at eliminating this one too.
8. I don't need hatred. I am letting go of resentment, and with it goes the hatred and the anger.
9. I don't need censorship. From myself or from others. And this is solved by learning to hear myself, to allow myself to use my true voice, and to fight to be heard.
10. I don't need to be given smurf bites by my dog. This one is going to take some time and training. Possibly professional help.
11. I don't need my furniture to be destroyed by said dog. Again. Professional help may be required.
1. I don't need One World Governance. Individual countries need to keep their freedom.
2. I don't need higher taxes. The economy won't improve unless people have money to spend, after all.
3. I don't need my freedoms being restricted in the name of security.
These three, all I can do about them is to protest the bills being passed that pave the way for these things to happen; and to use my voting power wisely; and to be aware, informed and unafraid. Keep my eyes open. Look for the light.
4. I don't need the procrastination I exude towards my writing. This is probably the easiest, and hardest, to eliminate...just by sitting down and making myself write.
5. I don't need poverty, and I don't need riches. However, I also don't have riches so I can't get rid of that one...and I've been trying to get rid of poverty for a long time. Perhaps I need to reevaluate my definition of poverty.
6. I don't need stress. I am learning to manage the things I find stressful and I am getting better at not internalizing things I don't need to.
7. I don't need meaningless anger. With learning what to internalize and what to shut out, I am getting better at eliminating this one too.
8. I don't need hatred. I am letting go of resentment, and with it goes the hatred and the anger.
9. I don't need censorship. From myself or from others. And this is solved by learning to hear myself, to allow myself to use my true voice, and to fight to be heard.
10. I don't need to be given smurf bites by my dog. This one is going to take some time and training. Possibly professional help.
11. I don't need my furniture to be destroyed by said dog. Again. Professional help may be required.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Ten Things I Love
Here's how it works: you get a letter from someone who has done this meme, and then you write. My letter is N. I got it from Hope. If you want a letter, let me know and I'll give you a random one.
1. Now. I am learning to love now, anyway. I have spent so much of my life in the past or the future. Yoga is helping me to appreciate that all I have, the only real thing in my life, is the now.
2. ‘Nog. I didn’t used to like egg-nog, but I have been introduced to it, with milk and a bit of Baileys, and it’s quite good. There are those who think I’m a wiener for not drinking it straight. I’m sorry. It reminds me too much of the first milk from a ewe, all thick and sweet like sugary glue. And if you’re wondering how I know what that looks like, I’ve had to milk a ewe when her lamb wouldn’t nurse. And yes, I tasted it. People use to drink sheep milk, and I wanted to know if it was sweet like the books said. It is. Like egg-nog. So now I dilute my ‘nog, and all is well with the world.
3. Nails (as in fingernails). When they’re pretty and not breaking, that is. I had my first ever manicure last year and it was so nice. I just use my hands so much that it isn’t easy to maintain a well-groomed hand. Every time I see someone with beautiful hands I wish mine were like that too. Kind of.
4. News. I like to listen to the news on CBC Radio when I wake up. Yes, it’s depressing sometimes, but it makes me feel like I’m aware of and connected to the world around me. I started this habit when I was in Rosebud, where if you don’t make an effort to be aware, the world just passes you by and suddenly there’s a new prime minister and you didn’t even know there was an election. Okay, it’s not that bad…but almost.
5. Nosegays. That’s an old word for flowers, and it encompasses two things I love, flowers and old words. Especially flowers picked out of the wild, which then bring that wildness into the house, and old words used naturally and with no thought of trying to appear intellectually superior to the surrounding throngs.
6. Northern Lights. The first time I saw red northern lights I was sitting up in bed at the house my parent’s very nearly bought, looking through my large window in awe at the sky above the Hawthorne trees. I think the first time I heard northern lights was at that house too. We lived there for the last few years that I lived with my family. It surprises me that it took that long for me to hear the lights I saw every winter until I moved to Southern Alberta.
7. Novels! How could this one come so far down the list…well, it’s not in any particular order. Novels. I love reading books, and I really love reading fiction. The latest on my reading list has included Ender in Exile, Bird by Bird and Twilight. Yes, I’m reading Twilight. And yes, it is very enjoyable. If I had my way, I’d actually get a comfy chair at work and sit and read novels all day long until I had read 80% of the books we have (the other 20% don’t interest me…reference books, books on sports, etc.).
8. Numbers. Certain numbers, anyway. I have this weird things about numbers and days of the week, and certain months as well. Some seem to me to be round and soft; other are sharp and adventurous. I prefer (generally speaking) the sharp and adventurous numbers, week days, and months. Unless they are perfect in their roundness, and not dorky at all. February 28th is perfectly round. September 17th is perfectly sharp. May 5th is a stupid mix, trying to be sharp when it really should just give up and be round, but it never will and so it makes me feel irritable and jittery. I have no problem living through the day of May 5th – I just don’t like how it looks on paper, or how it sounds, or how it feels in my mouth or ears. M should make up it’s mind instead of sitting on the fence. Gah. My favourites? 7. 7 and maybe 9. 4 is decent too. And Thursday wins for days of the week, hands down. I’m not sure on months, since so much depends on what day of the month it is. My least favourite numbers are 5, and 3. And Monday.
9. Necks. I notice necks on men, the way they slide into shoulders and arms and torsos. Necks, manly necks, are so amazingly hot. I cannot describe my attraction to necks. And a beautiful graceful neck on a woman will capture my attention and I’ll find myself staring. Perhaps I am a vampire at heart. Necks are beautiful.
10. Nuzzle. This could go along with necks, I guess; a seductive nuzzle on a neck is pretty nice (ha! Alliteration!). But there is something so tender about nuzzling too. Just watch a newborn lamb being nuzzled by it’s mother, and you see right there how immediate the bond is between the two of them. I know they’re animals but I think they feel love too. And to see love between anything outside myself fills me with a peace about my life and the world around me – that it will all be okay somehow, because other people (and beings) love.
1. Now. I am learning to love now, anyway. I have spent so much of my life in the past or the future. Yoga is helping me to appreciate that all I have, the only real thing in my life, is the now.
2. ‘Nog. I didn’t used to like egg-nog, but I have been introduced to it, with milk and a bit of Baileys, and it’s quite good. There are those who think I’m a wiener for not drinking it straight. I’m sorry. It reminds me too much of the first milk from a ewe, all thick and sweet like sugary glue. And if you’re wondering how I know what that looks like, I’ve had to milk a ewe when her lamb wouldn’t nurse. And yes, I tasted it. People use to drink sheep milk, and I wanted to know if it was sweet like the books said. It is. Like egg-nog. So now I dilute my ‘nog, and all is well with the world.
3. Nails (as in fingernails). When they’re pretty and not breaking, that is. I had my first ever manicure last year and it was so nice. I just use my hands so much that it isn’t easy to maintain a well-groomed hand. Every time I see someone with beautiful hands I wish mine were like that too. Kind of.
4. News. I like to listen to the news on CBC Radio when I wake up. Yes, it’s depressing sometimes, but it makes me feel like I’m aware of and connected to the world around me. I started this habit when I was in Rosebud, where if you don’t make an effort to be aware, the world just passes you by and suddenly there’s a new prime minister and you didn’t even know there was an election. Okay, it’s not that bad…but almost.
5. Nosegays. That’s an old word for flowers, and it encompasses two things I love, flowers and old words. Especially flowers picked out of the wild, which then bring that wildness into the house, and old words used naturally and with no thought of trying to appear intellectually superior to the surrounding throngs.
6. Northern Lights. The first time I saw red northern lights I was sitting up in bed at the house my parent’s very nearly bought, looking through my large window in awe at the sky above the Hawthorne trees. I think the first time I heard northern lights was at that house too. We lived there for the last few years that I lived with my family. It surprises me that it took that long for me to hear the lights I saw every winter until I moved to Southern Alberta.
7. Novels! How could this one come so far down the list…well, it’s not in any particular order. Novels. I love reading books, and I really love reading fiction. The latest on my reading list has included Ender in Exile, Bird by Bird and Twilight. Yes, I’m reading Twilight. And yes, it is very enjoyable. If I had my way, I’d actually get a comfy chair at work and sit and read novels all day long until I had read 80% of the books we have (the other 20% don’t interest me…reference books, books on sports, etc.).
8. Numbers. Certain numbers, anyway. I have this weird things about numbers and days of the week, and certain months as well. Some seem to me to be round and soft; other are sharp and adventurous. I prefer (generally speaking) the sharp and adventurous numbers, week days, and months. Unless they are perfect in their roundness, and not dorky at all. February 28th is perfectly round. September 17th is perfectly sharp. May 5th is a stupid mix, trying to be sharp when it really should just give up and be round, but it never will and so it makes me feel irritable and jittery. I have no problem living through the day of May 5th – I just don’t like how it looks on paper, or how it sounds, or how it feels in my mouth or ears. M should make up it’s mind instead of sitting on the fence. Gah. My favourites? 7. 7 and maybe 9. 4 is decent too. And Thursday wins for days of the week, hands down. I’m not sure on months, since so much depends on what day of the month it is. My least favourite numbers are 5, and 3. And Monday.
9. Necks. I notice necks on men, the way they slide into shoulders and arms and torsos. Necks, manly necks, are so amazingly hot. I cannot describe my attraction to necks. And a beautiful graceful neck on a woman will capture my attention and I’ll find myself staring. Perhaps I am a vampire at heart. Necks are beautiful.
10. Nuzzle. This could go along with necks, I guess; a seductive nuzzle on a neck is pretty nice (ha! Alliteration!). But there is something so tender about nuzzling too. Just watch a newborn lamb being nuzzled by it’s mother, and you see right there how immediate the bond is between the two of them. I know they’re animals but I think they feel love too. And to see love between anything outside myself fills me with a peace about my life and the world around me – that it will all be okay somehow, because other people (and beings) love.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Tagged
I tagged myself from Hope's blog when I had the flu and almost forgot about it entirely.
1. The rules of the game get posted at the beginning.
2. Each player answers the questions about themselves.
3. At the end of the post, the player then tags 5 people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know they’ve been tagged and asking them to read your blog. This last one might not happen since I don't think I know five bloggers - so tag yourselves. I'm changing the rules.
1)What was I doing 10 yrs ago?
I was 14, so I was doing some school and spending vast amounts of time outside playing and taking care of animals. It was a good life.
2) What are 5 things on my to-do list for today (not in any particular order):
I need to phone my old music teacher and ask about a mini-disc recorder, so that I can record some stuff for my mom who is making a radio documentary for Outfront.
I have to remember to email rehearsal reports before rehearsal this evening for L.'s final project.
Other than that, my day is my own.
3) Snacks I enjoy:
Tostitos with hot, hot salsa; Stoned Wheat Thins with either pickles (Vlasic, the pickles that sound so great) or dark chocolate; chocolate in any form. Sometimes fruit.
4) Things I would do if I were a billionaire:
I would pay all of my friends student loans, and my own, and create a few really great scholarships for this place, and then I think I'd invest in a really good and practical hybrid car. I'd also build wells for every village in Africa that I could find. And, lets face it, I'd go clothes shopping. And I'd build or buy myself a house somewhere, but first I'd have to figure out where I want to live.
5) Three of my bad habits:
Living in the future or the past instead of the present; letting fear be my guide; swearing. I think I swear a little too much.
6) 5 places I have lived:
The Bailey House, where we had a lovely classic barn where the chickens would lay eggs in the floor of the loft and my brothers and I saw a green orb that was watching us with friendly curiosity; The Laverick House, where every spring our animals would double, triple, quadruple in number and we'd go on quiet hunts to find hidden nests of kittens and chicks; The Star House, where I had a room with a tiny window that was too high to jump out of anyway and I learned that I need more than one way out of my bedroom or I feel trapped; The Dahlen House, where I had many, many late night hallway talks with my best friends; This house, where I am happy.
7) 5 jobs I have had:
I've been a librarian, a hostess at a restaurant, a janitor at a welding shop (which was the worst job I've ever had for multiple reasons), a supervisor at A&W, and in a month I'll be working at a coal mine. Should be fun!
8) 5 peeps I wanna know more about:
My love, S.; my friends, R. and L. and T.; my roommate J. And myself, but that makes six.
1. The rules of the game get posted at the beginning.
2. Each player answers the questions about themselves.
3. At the end of the post, the player then tags 5 people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know they’ve been tagged and asking them to read your blog. This last one might not happen since I don't think I know five bloggers - so tag yourselves. I'm changing the rules.
1)What was I doing 10 yrs ago?
I was 14, so I was doing some school and spending vast amounts of time outside playing and taking care of animals. It was a good life.
2) What are 5 things on my to-do list for today (not in any particular order):
I need to phone my old music teacher and ask about a mini-disc recorder, so that I can record some stuff for my mom who is making a radio documentary for Outfront.
I have to remember to email rehearsal reports before rehearsal this evening for L.'s final project.
Other than that, my day is my own.
3) Snacks I enjoy:
Tostitos with hot, hot salsa; Stoned Wheat Thins with either pickles (Vlasic, the pickles that sound so great) or dark chocolate; chocolate in any form. Sometimes fruit.
4) Things I would do if I were a billionaire:
I would pay all of my friends student loans, and my own, and create a few really great scholarships for this place, and then I think I'd invest in a really good and practical hybrid car. I'd also build wells for every village in Africa that I could find. And, lets face it, I'd go clothes shopping. And I'd build or buy myself a house somewhere, but first I'd have to figure out where I want to live.
5) Three of my bad habits:
Living in the future or the past instead of the present; letting fear be my guide; swearing. I think I swear a little too much.
6) 5 places I have lived:
The Bailey House, where we had a lovely classic barn where the chickens would lay eggs in the floor of the loft and my brothers and I saw a green orb that was watching us with friendly curiosity; The Laverick House, where every spring our animals would double, triple, quadruple in number and we'd go on quiet hunts to find hidden nests of kittens and chicks; The Star House, where I had a room with a tiny window that was too high to jump out of anyway and I learned that I need more than one way out of my bedroom or I feel trapped; The Dahlen House, where I had many, many late night hallway talks with my best friends; This house, where I am happy.
7) 5 jobs I have had:
I've been a librarian, a hostess at a restaurant, a janitor at a welding shop (which was the worst job I've ever had for multiple reasons), a supervisor at A&W, and in a month I'll be working at a coal mine. Should be fun!
8) 5 peeps I wanna know more about:
My love, S.; my friends, R. and L. and T.; my roommate J. And myself, but that makes six.
Thursday, September 06, 2007
One Word Answers
From Biscotti Brain...one word answers...
1. Yourself: growing
2. Your spouse (boyfriend): recovering
3. Your hair: pulled-back
4. Your mother: intriguing
5. Your father: happy
6. Your favorite item: books
7. Your dream last night: vanished
8. Your favorite drink: water
9. Your dream car: Mustang
10. The room you are in: office
11. Your ex: non-existant
12. Your fear: appearing foolish
13. What you want to be in 10 years: unafraid
14. Who you hung out with last night: Cari
15. What you're not: perfect
16. Muffins: poppyseed
17: One of your wish list items: printer
18: Time: precious
19. The last thing you did: typed
20. What you are wearing: comfort
21. Your favorite weather: alive
22. Your favorite book: Ender's Shadow
23. The last thing you ate: chocolate
24. Your life: amazing
25. Your mood: content
26. Your best friend: calming
27. What you're thinking about right now: S.
28. Your car: Land Yacht
29. What you are doing at the moment: living
30. Your summer: good
31. Your relationship status: single-attatched
32. What is on your TV: none
33. What is the weather like: drizzly
34. When was the last time you laughed: today
1. Yourself: growing
2. Your spouse (boyfriend): recovering
3. Your hair: pulled-back
4. Your mother: intriguing
5. Your father: happy
6. Your favorite item: books
7. Your dream last night: vanished
8. Your favorite drink: water
9. Your dream car: Mustang
10. The room you are in: office
11. Your ex: non-existant
12. Your fear: appearing foolish
13. What you want to be in 10 years: unafraid
14. Who you hung out with last night: Cari
15. What you're not: perfect
16. Muffins: poppyseed
17: One of your wish list items: printer
18: Time: precious
19. The last thing you did: typed
20. What you are wearing: comfort
21. Your favorite weather: alive
22. Your favorite book: Ender's Shadow
23. The last thing you ate: chocolate
24. Your life: amazing
25. Your mood: content
26. Your best friend: calming
27. What you're thinking about right now: S.
28. Your car: Land Yacht
29. What you are doing at the moment: living
30. Your summer: good
31. Your relationship status: single-attatched
32. What is on your TV: none
33. What is the weather like: drizzly
34. When was the last time you laughed: today
Monday, August 06, 2007
83 Random Things
This is for Troll. Happy Belated Birthday!
1. I just realized that if S. and I ever broke up I couldn’t get rid of all the things that remind me of him without getting rid of half of my possessions, a lot of my journals and writing, and several pieces of art that I have created in the last year.
2. I have woken up with a song in my head pretty consistently for the last two weeks. The songs vary from “Got Me Where You Want” by Our Lady Peace to “Stand” by R.E.M. – other bands include Sarah McLaughlan and Three Days Grace. It’s been weird – I don’t remember this happening so often before.
3. I dreamt that I was performing dinner music with my friend R. and two patrons wouldn’t let us leave the room, to the point of the man punching me in the face several times with blood and all. I dream like this all the time so it doesn’t disturb me anymore. I’m not sure it ever did. Violence in my dreams fascinates me on some visceral level.
4. I only have to hear a song once or twice to learn the melody, and only a few times after that (if I’m listening carefully) to learn all the lyrics.
5. Since I was 2, I’ve had Top 40 songs in my repertoire. I believe my parents gave me a Madonna record for my 2nd birthday, which I memorized and danced to in my own toddler way.
6. Although I’ve had the newest Harry Potter book since the Thursday after it came out (and it is Tuesday July 31st as I type this), I haven’t gotten any further than Chapter 3. I’m not sure what’s wrong with me.
7. I have spent a lot of time with S. this weekend though. He helped me move and among all the stress of that we bickered more than we ever have – and yet I still wanted to have him around.
8. And we still haven’t had a big fight yet, after 13½ months.
9. Although I don’t know what a big, serious fight would be anyway. It could be that our fighting styles simply look like an extended argument (which we have had) instead of the rip-roaring, swearing, throwing-things fights I’ve seen and am waiting to have myself.
10. I hope I never have a fight like that.
11. I am a packrat. I’m staring at the peacock feather that a co-worker gave me when I worked at A&W four years ago.
12. I worked at A&W for 18 months, 16 of which I was a supervisor, in order to jump-start my schooling here. I paid for a year of tuition and living expenses out of pocket without any financial stress. It was wonderful.
13. I want to be in the summer show next year but I won’t be able to afford it even if I do get cast.
14. My brother’s wedding conflicts with the show anyway – and for some reason that seems like a more legitimate reason to turn down the show than the fact that I would be starving and homeless.
15. I dreamt that my brother and his fiancé had a baby girl with perfect light brown skin and dark hair and they named her after me, so now I really have to go to their wedding. (I’d be there anyway – don’t feel any pressure to name your future daughters after me, D&D!)
16. Once I discovered that it was ‘cool’ for Christians to like U2 my interest in them flagged. I still have a hard time admitting that I like their music well enough to own an album or two (which I do).
17. I have a naïve faith that everything will work out somehow, even if I have to work hard or struggle through to the happy ending. This applies to everything in my life – school, money, relationships…
18. Whenever I listen to country music I realize that I like it more than I’ll admit to. The songs seem to have more happy messages than the depressing emotional/meaningless sex songs that tend to fill the rock and pop stations.
19. I don’t understand my youngest brother’s relationship and I don’t like the dysfunction I see within it but I stay silent. And I don’t quite know why.
20. I have started more stories than I have finished but the good ones still live in my head, clamouring for completion.
21. I think that a monarchy is the only system of government that has even a chance of working. There needs to be one person who is ultimately in charge, someone who can take responsibility for the good and bad decisions.
22. I’ve harboured a secret dream of being the dictatress of Canada since I was about 15 – part of my youthful idealism clashing with harsh reality.
23. I get distracted very easily. For instance, my plan for the afternoon was to file receipts and organize things in my still not completely unpacked room, and instead I just took out things for supper, walked to the office to get a Student Loan application form to find out that they are locked early again, unloaded and reloaded the dishwasher, swept the entire house, and somewhere in there I took many pictures of a small tree that is pushing it’s way to freedom and life through the asphalt of a friend’s driveway. It makes me ridiculously happy to see that small sapling winning out over man’s rock hard world.
24. I love trees. Inordinately so. A part of me was an Ent in a former life.
25. I’ve recently been introduced to Taoism by Pooh and Piglet. I think they’re on to something that needs to be incorporated back into our all too Western philosophies and religions.
26. I like listening to soundtracks, even the ones without lyrics. Sometimes I prefer them that way, actually. The Narnia soundtrack is very evocative of the film, I find. So is the one for The Pirates of the Caribbean.
27. Sometimes when I listen to music without lyrics I see colours and shapes and essences of things that just fit the music. It’s very pretty.
28. I think that some numbers are better than others. I also have months of the year and days of the week that I prefer. May 5th is my least favourite date. It is so round and oppressive and heavy. February 28th is also round but not so heavy – it has some light in it although it is kind of serious. Like Pooh. September 17th – ahh. Such a nice date. Sharp in a kind of dangerous coyote way, it fascinates me and makes me happy all at once. There is no logic to how this works. It isn’t a system, although people have tried to analyze it. It is simply how the numbers and words hit my mind.
29. I write with my left hand but I cut watermelon (and indeed, everything) with my right hand. I wear my watch on my right arm. I think of myself as ambidextrous with a slight preference for my left side.
30. When I was a young girl, I wanted to have either auburn or black hair, and either green or violet eyes. I couldn’t decide which one was better, or which combination would be more striking.
31. Now I’m content with my light brown hair with blonde streaks, and my grey-blue eyes that occasionally look green.
32. I wear contacts now for the first time in my life. I like being able to see on stage but I don’t like it enough to replace my glasses, much to S.’s relief. He likes my glasses.
33. I have put a lot of thought into what illegal career I would pursue if I had to pick one. I think being an assassin is cool, but I’d be able to handle being a thief – I’d love to be good enough to steal from large famous art galleries and museums, as well as pick the petty pocket here and there.
34. I like action movies. I’ve never admitted this – I always felt a bit foolish because it goes against my whole ‘intellectual’ reputation. Plus I’m a girl. And S. doesn’t like them. So I feel a bit silly and defiant, but now I’m admitting it. I like action movies. It’s great if they have a plot but they don’t even need to have a great one for me to enjoy it. There you go.
35. 83 random facts about myself is proving to be easier than I thought it would be. I wonder if anyone else will take it on and do this too? Perhaps I will have started a trend – huge long lists of personal facts on an international electronic forum.
Probably not.
36. I like hats but I’m not so sure that the hats I like look good on me. I know I pull of the cute ball-cap look, but I like feminine hats and every one I’ve ever tried on I haven’t liked on me. I don’t think it’s fair.
37. But since every other piece of clothing I like looks good on me, I guess I shouldn’t complain. I love – no, I delight in – the fact that the fashion industry caters to people who are my size. It means I never have to worry about finding something that will fit me. It’s glorious.
38. I also feel a bit guilty about that sometimes because I know there are women who can’t find stores that even carry their sizes. I wonder if those women hate me for my svelte physique. I hope they don’t. I got good DNA, that’s all.
39. I just bought a filing cabinet and I am discovering how much I like filing things. It’s so organized! Ahh…
40. I get cold even in the summer, so that people mock me for wearing hoodies and sweaters at 8 or 9 in the evening on a blistering hot July day. What can I say? Svelteness has it’s down side.
41. I have often felt like a horrible Christian because I don’t see things the same way as the leaders of the churches I have grown up in. The biggest area in which I don’t see eye to eye is homosexuality. I don’t think it’s what God planned but like so many other things, human sexuality got bent and broken. Lots of things aren’t how they were planned out in the beginning. I know, this one is actually laid out in the Bible (at least in the Old Testament), but I still don’t understand why God would allow someone to be drawn to their own sex from childhood and then deny them romantic relationship. So I feel like I’m missing some integral Christian something because I see two men giving each other flowers and sweet nothings on Valentines Day in New York City and I think, “That’s sweet”, while some of my classmates see that and are repulsed. I don’t understand! I don’t think I ever will. I’m not sure I want to.
42. When I took the playwriting course last summer, I had to list five things that worried me. One of those things was that I am too liberal. The above random fact reminds me of that – it is the exact phrase that runs in my head when I ponder how my personal beliefs run against what I hear from the pulpit.
43. I went to a family gathering a year ago and one of my young teenage cousins asked me if I loved S. I said I didn’t know. About a week later I was getting ready to go to work and I was thinking about that moment for some reason and I realized my answer had changed to yes. I stopped dead, staring out the window over the sink at the white metal fire hall outside. I spent half of the ten minute drive to work crying and half of it laughing, and the whole day I was quiet for fear that something would send me over the edge into either emotion.
44. I get upset about how the world is and I don’t know what to do about it. It makes me feel quite helpless because I can’t see how to make people care about those around them and that seems to be the root cause of all the problems I see. Think about it – if the majority of people really cared about those around them, perhaps there wouldn’t be as much poverty or abuse. Maybe we would reach out to those around us and help them out when they needed a hand instead of living our lives according to rules and systems that don’t contain any mercy.
45. I think that we are headed towards some kind of meltdown – either political, social or environmental – and my naïve sense of well-being keeps me from panicking. I’ll either live or die and really there isn’t much I can do about it now anyway.
46. I really like dark chocolate.
47. I would like to eat more healthily, and I know that if I had a vanity reason to do so it would happen faster but because I don’t gain weight I have to work on eating properly.
48. I am very vain. I always have been.
49. I used to believe that if I wasn’t the smartest I was worth nothing. I am letting go of that but it still irritates me if someone is better with words than I am. I didn’t know this until last year when I took a Shakespeare class and one of my classmates had a BA in English and thus, by simple dint of education, knew more than I did. I laugh about it now but the little bruise is still there on my ego and can be poked. Painfully.
50. Speaking of bruises, I have several mystery ones right now. I got a big deep purple one on my butt from something – I couldn’t remember what I did but I remember swearing about it when it happened, how odd, eh? There’s a green-yellow one on my shin and that could have been anything. My shins are like delicate butterflies. The least jarring and they’re damaged.
51. I once chipped my shin bone by tripping up a set of stairs. I stumbled, struck my shin, and the next thing I remember I was sitting at the top of the stairs (I was two steps from the top) rocking back and forth, holding my injured leg with tears streaming silently down my face. My mom, who was in the next room, didn’t even know I was hurt until she saw my damp face when I finally got up and limped into the room.
52. Whenever I’ve gotten hurt (like chipping bones, not stubbing toes) I don’t remember the actual pain-inducing event. I cracked a bone in my foot and I’m not sure how – I was leaning over a fence, I lost my balance, then I was sitting on the side of the fence I started on curled up, rocking back and forth holding my injured foot with tears silently streaming down my face. Again no one knew I was hurt until I limped into a populated area. A trend? Perhaps.
53. I miss having pets. I still have a dog, and I miss seeing her every day and tending for her every need. I think I need a pet to get me out of my own self.
54. I have really good teeth and I’ve never had braces.
55. I had all four canine teeth pulled at once. That was to keep the next in line adult teeth from growing in crooked, so that I wouldn’t need braces. See? Tricky, tricky.
56. Every time I see the White Sox emblem I don’t see the word ‘sox’. I see the word ‘sex’. So does my dad. One day my dad and I took a White Sox hat and with a Sharpie® changed it to what we see. I wear the hat around town and people’s brains fill in the blacked out bit. My friends have all noticed it, but it still took the quickest of them at least an hour to realize what my hat said, and that was with a bit of prodding on my part.
57. I’ve never had one, but I’ve always secretly wanted a black eye. And a broken jaw. Just to know what they feel like. And for some reason when I was a child I thought black eyes were cool.
58. I also thought it would be a good skill to learn to stand still for three hours at a time. I read a book about a boy who was a prince but didn’t know it, but his father had trained him in the ways of royalty and being able to stand still was a royal trait I guess. I had a crush on this prince boy and wanted to be just like him. I never succeeded. Which is good, because I rather like being a girl.
59. Women complain about getting their periods, but I see it as a feminine mystery. We have the power to create life in our bellies! It’s a miraculous, mysterious thing, and the monthly cycle is a part of that power. Yes, it can be inconvenient and downright painful, but it’s still kind of cool.
60. I have a bit of a flirtation with goddess worship. I don’t worship any goddesses, but I like the idea of God being both masculine and feminine. A wholly masculine God doesn’t captivate or understand me the way I need to be captivated and understood. I think God gets that. I certainly hope he does – otherwise I may be inadvertently damning myself to Hell.
61. I believe that those who die can watch and look over us and even send us messages – the intercession and protection of Saints is very real to me.
62. When I get very scared at night and all the scary movies I’ve seen crowd into my shadows, I ask the Virgin Mary for a mother’s calming touch as I pray to God for spiritual protection. People I respect don’t agree with this. I respectfully disagree with them. The mother of God deserves our respect, and to those who say we shouldn’t worship anyone other than God I say that respect is different than worship. Look it up in the dictionary.
63. I got my ears pierced when I was 2. I sat on the step of the place that pierced ears and I wouldn’t leave until I got what I wanted. It strikes me as funny, and sad, that my parent’s didn’t just pick me up and carry me, kicking and screaming, to the car instead of ‘acquiescing to my request’. Good thing I wasn’t an only child. I would be such a bitch.
64. I did continue reading the Harry Potter book – and today (August 3rd – this is taking some time, people, sorry) I discovered that my copy is missing 33 pages, from page 257 to page 288. The misery that has caused me was assuaged by S., who consoled me (I was almost in tears) and Troll, who leant me his copy during the show so I could read the missing pages and continue with my copy now. S. also found the copy that exists online in case I couldn’t find a copy to borrow, which touched me deeply because S. could care less about Harry Potter and whether he lives or dies. I found it very sweet that he would go to so much effort to console me.
65. In all the realm of illegal substances, the only one that has ever really fascinated me is LSD. Since learning about flashbacks my curiosity has waned. The Parental Units can breathe now.
66. For the last two days (August 4th and 5th – if you have a problem with how long this is taking, try doing it yourself. It takes a lot of thought to not repeat myself. Anyway…) some gland in the right side of my throat has been swollen to the point of being able to touch that dangly thing in the back of my throat. It hurts a lot and this morning I didn’t think I could swallow anything thicker than pudding. Since the long weekend means that all the doctor’s offices are closed I ended up going to the Emergency Ward (sorry Dad) where I was told I likely have strep throat. I am now sucking on a very medicated tasting lozenge and talking as little as possible in order to not lose my voice.
67. I’ve worn glasses since I was 2. Before I got them I was a very obedient child in public but once I could see I immediately began going and looking at things like toys, leaving my parents to freak out when they discovered I was missing.
68. I steal blankets, pillows and bed space when I sleep with other people. I imagine I steal them when I’m sleeping alone too, only there isn’t anyone to witness this event.
69. Apparently I also respond violently to those around me in my sleep, with elbows to the face and kicks to the limbs.
70. My dad and my brothers and I share a sense of humour that my poor mother doesn’t get. Example: The phrase, “I’ve got to go take a pee” – don’t take pee, leave it. It’s not nearly as messy.
71. When I’m driving alone in my car listening to the radio, I sing along and pretend I’m in a band performing at a concert.
72. My laptop (which was a present from my parents – thank you parents) has one of those little mouse pads in it, with ‘palm check’ which is a curiosity to me, but I don’t know what it means and I don’t care enough to find out.
73. I talk to myself a lot. Almost every time I’m alone I hold conversations with myself, sometimes telling stories, sometimes going over past experiences or possible future confrontations. I’m always afraid someone will walk in and hear me, but if it’s happened no-one has told me yet.
74. I would like to have a particular scent that is mine. You read about women who always smell like a certain perfume – I’d like that, but I can’t find a perfume or scent that I like that doesn’t give me a headache or hasn’t been claimed by others I know. Plus it’s a lot of bother to always make sure I wear a certain scent. I suppose just smelling like a clean me is going to have to do.
75. Occasionally I hear words according to their spellings. The first time this happened was when my uncle asked me how my dad was enjoying the ‘log hall’ – at least, that’s how I heard it. He actually said ‘log haul’ (Dad was hauling logs at the time). It gets very confusing because people repeat themselves but it doesn’t help – I’ve heard ‘burleigh’ (which apparently isn’t even a word) instead of ‘burly’ and ‘b-day’ instead of ‘bidet’. It doesn’t happen often but when it does people look at me like I’ve lost my mind while I look at them like they’re speaking Chinese.
76. I like to read the dictionary. Okay, I don’t know if this one counts because if you read this blog often enough you already know that. So I’ll tag onto it that as a child I decided to read through the entire children’s fiction section of the Grande Prairie Library in alphabetical order (which is how they’re filed in case you don’t ever go into the fiction section of a library). I didn’t end up succeeding – I didn’t like some of the authors – but it did introduce me to people like Avi, who I really enjoyed, and Lloyd Alexander, who I can’t help but think I would have run into anyway but perhaps not so soon. It also led me to a series called “The Swallows and The Amazons” about some English children who learned how to sail, and knew Morse code and Semaphore, and had the coolest adventures ever. Because of them, I learned Morse code and about half the Semaphore alphabet before running out of steam (you can only get so far with a code like that without anyone else to talk to, but I was so fluent in Morse that I could read and write with Morse as quickly as I could with the Roman alphabet).
77. When I got older I decided to try the adult section. Once again I didn’t actually read them all, but this time I was wiser and knew that would happen so I just looked at them all and read the ones that caught my interest. I believe that is how I met Terry Pratchett (well, re-met actually, since I had met him in the children’s section and then forgotten about him – Truckers, Diggers, and Wings are such wonderful books that it shames me a little to admit that I’d forgotten them but thank goodness I was reintroduced so the shame can be abated in the light of the fact that since that reintroduction I’ve read almost everything else that he’s ever written).
78. I love that my lava lamp is called a ‘peace light’ on the box. I also love how the wax makes fantastic shapes before resolving into the typical up and down balls. It reminds me of dancing aliens or how cave architecture – what are they called? Stalactites? – would look if it could move in the wind.
79. I have always wanted to see if I could be self-reliant. At one point in my life I wanted to own a farm and have sheep, chickens, either cattle or goats, horses to plough and travel with, and enough land to keep me and my critters alive. Eventually I realized that I couldn’t do all the work on my own but I still think it would be a worthwhile endeavour. It would be a lot of work, but surely it would be very satisfying, to know that all your work was keeping you alive in a very direct way?
80. I also considered the following careers – family doctor, surgeon, exotic dancer/stripper, security guard, police officer, librarian (this could still end up as my day job), thief, computer hacker, spy, secretary, lawyer, biologist, writer (this one is still on the table), mechanic, truck driver, something in the oil field, high class hooker (like Xavier Hollander – don’t worry, Mom and Dad, this was more a flight of fancy than an actual consideration) or escort, stewardess (back when they were still called stewardesses), pilot, Mary Kay consultant (I tried this one for a very brief time and decided the MK women were too crazy for me. Their almost fanatical belief in their product – which is very good makeup but not enough for me to get into a religious fervour over – scared me. Greatly.), archaeologist, philosopher, anthropologist, university professor (probably in English or Philosophy), linguistics, or someone who studies things like symbology, which I was into long before it was all cool from the Da Vinci Code. (Please read that last bit in a snooty tone.) Oh, I also went through my required little girl phase of wanting to become a vet, but I added several other facets to that phase, including sheep shearer and jockey (I did read all of the Black Stallion books). I also wanted to be a magical entity or a minor god (I suppose I should have wanted to be a minor goddess but meh.) and failing that, a princess. Or dictatress or ruler of the world/universe/country/or at least a small island somewhere where I could make all the rules.
81. I sometimes think that pictures of people actually have little cameras in the eyes through which the original people are watching me. I know that isn’t true – but sometimes I turn pictures over when I’m changing, just in case.
82. I like stuffed animals. I have a lot of them, most of which are sitting in a box in storage at my parent’s place. However, some of them made their way here. Piglet, Mr. Rabbit, Mad Cow (who looks crazy and is a little scary but since he’s so small it’s okay – Piglet could take him if Piglet wasn’t so timid), Gregory the dragon, Lamb (who is a boy), Lulu (who is a girl lamb but has one ear missing from some adventure we went on when I was a toddler), Rocco the Raccoon (his tag says Ringo but I keep calling him Rocco so I guess that’s his name now), Mr. White Bear who tells me stories and Yellow Bear, who S. keeps insisting is a boy but since I’ve known her since I was 9 months old I think I know better, are all sitting in various places around my room. Rocco, Mr. Bear and Yellow Bear live on my bed, the reasons being that Yellow Bear has supreme seniority over all the other stuffies and Mr. Bear and Rocco were gifts from S. I also have Ernie and Bert living in questionable harmony, a gift from my father. S. thinks they’re gay but I’m not so sure.
83. I took two years of violin lessons, during which I went through three levels of Suzuki training. My violin teacher didn’t understand how I learn music until my very last lesson, when he told me to turn my back and repeat what he was playing on the piano on my violin. I did, almost perfectly. I learn by ear, see, not by reading the music. I sensed a great disappointment in him then. I think he wished he had known that earlier because we could have gotten a lot further if he hadn’t been trying to teach me based only on reading the music. I can read music – I see the black spot and I know which note to play – but I can’t read rhythm without a lot of stopping and counting, and it’s like listening to a severe dyslexic trying to read (it’s just painful) because it still doesn’t come out right. I still don’t know what it is supposed to sound like. But once I hear someone else play the notes, it’s as if they put the emphasis in the right spot and then it all clicks together like magic. It’s the most amazing thing, that moment of clarity. I wonder if that is what it is like when people first learn to read. I learned to read when I was 4 or 5 and I don’t remember it – as far as my memory is concerned I’ve been able to read forever. I sometimes feel like I got gypped because I don’t have that memory of the first time the black marks made coherent sense but I don’t complain because at least reading has always been easy, like breathing, for me and I’d rather not have to struggle with the words I love so much.
Well. I almost didn’t realize I was done. 83 goes a lot faster than I thought it would.
I just hope Troll doesn’t misread this title as 183 Random Things – I don’t think I have the time or patience for a list like that…
1. I just realized that if S. and I ever broke up I couldn’t get rid of all the things that remind me of him without getting rid of half of my possessions, a lot of my journals and writing, and several pieces of art that I have created in the last year.
2. I have woken up with a song in my head pretty consistently for the last two weeks. The songs vary from “Got Me Where You Want” by Our Lady Peace to “Stand” by R.E.M. – other bands include Sarah McLaughlan and Three Days Grace. It’s been weird – I don’t remember this happening so often before.
3. I dreamt that I was performing dinner music with my friend R. and two patrons wouldn’t let us leave the room, to the point of the man punching me in the face several times with blood and all. I dream like this all the time so it doesn’t disturb me anymore. I’m not sure it ever did. Violence in my dreams fascinates me on some visceral level.
4. I only have to hear a song once or twice to learn the melody, and only a few times after that (if I’m listening carefully) to learn all the lyrics.
5. Since I was 2, I’ve had Top 40 songs in my repertoire. I believe my parents gave me a Madonna record for my 2nd birthday, which I memorized and danced to in my own toddler way.
6. Although I’ve had the newest Harry Potter book since the Thursday after it came out (and it is Tuesday July 31st as I type this), I haven’t gotten any further than Chapter 3. I’m not sure what’s wrong with me.
7. I have spent a lot of time with S. this weekend though. He helped me move and among all the stress of that we bickered more than we ever have – and yet I still wanted to have him around.
8. And we still haven’t had a big fight yet, after 13½ months.
9. Although I don’t know what a big, serious fight would be anyway. It could be that our fighting styles simply look like an extended argument (which we have had) instead of the rip-roaring, swearing, throwing-things fights I’ve seen and am waiting to have myself.
10. I hope I never have a fight like that.
11. I am a packrat. I’m staring at the peacock feather that a co-worker gave me when I worked at A&W four years ago.
12. I worked at A&W for 18 months, 16 of which I was a supervisor, in order to jump-start my schooling here. I paid for a year of tuition and living expenses out of pocket without any financial stress. It was wonderful.
13. I want to be in the summer show next year but I won’t be able to afford it even if I do get cast.
14. My brother’s wedding conflicts with the show anyway – and for some reason that seems like a more legitimate reason to turn down the show than the fact that I would be starving and homeless.
15. I dreamt that my brother and his fiancé had a baby girl with perfect light brown skin and dark hair and they named her after me, so now I really have to go to their wedding. (I’d be there anyway – don’t feel any pressure to name your future daughters after me, D&D!)
16. Once I discovered that it was ‘cool’ for Christians to like U2 my interest in them flagged. I still have a hard time admitting that I like their music well enough to own an album or two (which I do).
17. I have a naïve faith that everything will work out somehow, even if I have to work hard or struggle through to the happy ending. This applies to everything in my life – school, money, relationships…
18. Whenever I listen to country music I realize that I like it more than I’ll admit to. The songs seem to have more happy messages than the depressing emotional/meaningless sex songs that tend to fill the rock and pop stations.
19. I don’t understand my youngest brother’s relationship and I don’t like the dysfunction I see within it but I stay silent. And I don’t quite know why.
20. I have started more stories than I have finished but the good ones still live in my head, clamouring for completion.
21. I think that a monarchy is the only system of government that has even a chance of working. There needs to be one person who is ultimately in charge, someone who can take responsibility for the good and bad decisions.
22. I’ve harboured a secret dream of being the dictatress of Canada since I was about 15 – part of my youthful idealism clashing with harsh reality.
23. I get distracted very easily. For instance, my plan for the afternoon was to file receipts and organize things in my still not completely unpacked room, and instead I just took out things for supper, walked to the office to get a Student Loan application form to find out that they are locked early again, unloaded and reloaded the dishwasher, swept the entire house, and somewhere in there I took many pictures of a small tree that is pushing it’s way to freedom and life through the asphalt of a friend’s driveway. It makes me ridiculously happy to see that small sapling winning out over man’s rock hard world.
24. I love trees. Inordinately so. A part of me was an Ent in a former life.
25. I’ve recently been introduced to Taoism by Pooh and Piglet. I think they’re on to something that needs to be incorporated back into our all too Western philosophies and religions.
26. I like listening to soundtracks, even the ones without lyrics. Sometimes I prefer them that way, actually. The Narnia soundtrack is very evocative of the film, I find. So is the one for The Pirates of the Caribbean.
27. Sometimes when I listen to music without lyrics I see colours and shapes and essences of things that just fit the music. It’s very pretty.
28. I think that some numbers are better than others. I also have months of the year and days of the week that I prefer. May 5th is my least favourite date. It is so round and oppressive and heavy. February 28th is also round but not so heavy – it has some light in it although it is kind of serious. Like Pooh. September 17th – ahh. Such a nice date. Sharp in a kind of dangerous coyote way, it fascinates me and makes me happy all at once. There is no logic to how this works. It isn’t a system, although people have tried to analyze it. It is simply how the numbers and words hit my mind.
29. I write with my left hand but I cut watermelon (and indeed, everything) with my right hand. I wear my watch on my right arm. I think of myself as ambidextrous with a slight preference for my left side.
30. When I was a young girl, I wanted to have either auburn or black hair, and either green or violet eyes. I couldn’t decide which one was better, or which combination would be more striking.
31. Now I’m content with my light brown hair with blonde streaks, and my grey-blue eyes that occasionally look green.
32. I wear contacts now for the first time in my life. I like being able to see on stage but I don’t like it enough to replace my glasses, much to S.’s relief. He likes my glasses.
33. I have put a lot of thought into what illegal career I would pursue if I had to pick one. I think being an assassin is cool, but I’d be able to handle being a thief – I’d love to be good enough to steal from large famous art galleries and museums, as well as pick the petty pocket here and there.
34. I like action movies. I’ve never admitted this – I always felt a bit foolish because it goes against my whole ‘intellectual’ reputation. Plus I’m a girl. And S. doesn’t like them. So I feel a bit silly and defiant, but now I’m admitting it. I like action movies. It’s great if they have a plot but they don’t even need to have a great one for me to enjoy it. There you go.
35. 83 random facts about myself is proving to be easier than I thought it would be. I wonder if anyone else will take it on and do this too? Perhaps I will have started a trend – huge long lists of personal facts on an international electronic forum.
Probably not.
36. I like hats but I’m not so sure that the hats I like look good on me. I know I pull of the cute ball-cap look, but I like feminine hats and every one I’ve ever tried on I haven’t liked on me. I don’t think it’s fair.
37. But since every other piece of clothing I like looks good on me, I guess I shouldn’t complain. I love – no, I delight in – the fact that the fashion industry caters to people who are my size. It means I never have to worry about finding something that will fit me. It’s glorious.
38. I also feel a bit guilty about that sometimes because I know there are women who can’t find stores that even carry their sizes. I wonder if those women hate me for my svelte physique. I hope they don’t. I got good DNA, that’s all.
39. I just bought a filing cabinet and I am discovering how much I like filing things. It’s so organized! Ahh…
40. I get cold even in the summer, so that people mock me for wearing hoodies and sweaters at 8 or 9 in the evening on a blistering hot July day. What can I say? Svelteness has it’s down side.
41. I have often felt like a horrible Christian because I don’t see things the same way as the leaders of the churches I have grown up in. The biggest area in which I don’t see eye to eye is homosexuality. I don’t think it’s what God planned but like so many other things, human sexuality got bent and broken. Lots of things aren’t how they were planned out in the beginning. I know, this one is actually laid out in the Bible (at least in the Old Testament), but I still don’t understand why God would allow someone to be drawn to their own sex from childhood and then deny them romantic relationship. So I feel like I’m missing some integral Christian something because I see two men giving each other flowers and sweet nothings on Valentines Day in New York City and I think, “That’s sweet”, while some of my classmates see that and are repulsed. I don’t understand! I don’t think I ever will. I’m not sure I want to.
42. When I took the playwriting course last summer, I had to list five things that worried me. One of those things was that I am too liberal. The above random fact reminds me of that – it is the exact phrase that runs in my head when I ponder how my personal beliefs run against what I hear from the pulpit.
43. I went to a family gathering a year ago and one of my young teenage cousins asked me if I loved S. I said I didn’t know. About a week later I was getting ready to go to work and I was thinking about that moment for some reason and I realized my answer had changed to yes. I stopped dead, staring out the window over the sink at the white metal fire hall outside. I spent half of the ten minute drive to work crying and half of it laughing, and the whole day I was quiet for fear that something would send me over the edge into either emotion.
44. I get upset about how the world is and I don’t know what to do about it. It makes me feel quite helpless because I can’t see how to make people care about those around them and that seems to be the root cause of all the problems I see. Think about it – if the majority of people really cared about those around them, perhaps there wouldn’t be as much poverty or abuse. Maybe we would reach out to those around us and help them out when they needed a hand instead of living our lives according to rules and systems that don’t contain any mercy.
45. I think that we are headed towards some kind of meltdown – either political, social or environmental – and my naïve sense of well-being keeps me from panicking. I’ll either live or die and really there isn’t much I can do about it now anyway.
46. I really like dark chocolate.
47. I would like to eat more healthily, and I know that if I had a vanity reason to do so it would happen faster but because I don’t gain weight I have to work on eating properly.
48. I am very vain. I always have been.
49. I used to believe that if I wasn’t the smartest I was worth nothing. I am letting go of that but it still irritates me if someone is better with words than I am. I didn’t know this until last year when I took a Shakespeare class and one of my classmates had a BA in English and thus, by simple dint of education, knew more than I did. I laugh about it now but the little bruise is still there on my ego and can be poked. Painfully.
50. Speaking of bruises, I have several mystery ones right now. I got a big deep purple one on my butt from something – I couldn’t remember what I did but I remember swearing about it when it happened, how odd, eh? There’s a green-yellow one on my shin and that could have been anything. My shins are like delicate butterflies. The least jarring and they’re damaged.
51. I once chipped my shin bone by tripping up a set of stairs. I stumbled, struck my shin, and the next thing I remember I was sitting at the top of the stairs (I was two steps from the top) rocking back and forth, holding my injured leg with tears streaming silently down my face. My mom, who was in the next room, didn’t even know I was hurt until she saw my damp face when I finally got up and limped into the room.
52. Whenever I’ve gotten hurt (like chipping bones, not stubbing toes) I don’t remember the actual pain-inducing event. I cracked a bone in my foot and I’m not sure how – I was leaning over a fence, I lost my balance, then I was sitting on the side of the fence I started on curled up, rocking back and forth holding my injured foot with tears silently streaming down my face. Again no one knew I was hurt until I limped into a populated area. A trend? Perhaps.
53. I miss having pets. I still have a dog, and I miss seeing her every day and tending for her every need. I think I need a pet to get me out of my own self.
54. I have really good teeth and I’ve never had braces.
55. I had all four canine teeth pulled at once. That was to keep the next in line adult teeth from growing in crooked, so that I wouldn’t need braces. See? Tricky, tricky.
56. Every time I see the White Sox emblem I don’t see the word ‘sox’. I see the word ‘sex’. So does my dad. One day my dad and I took a White Sox hat and with a Sharpie® changed it to what we see. I wear the hat around town and people’s brains fill in the blacked out bit. My friends have all noticed it, but it still took the quickest of them at least an hour to realize what my hat said, and that was with a bit of prodding on my part.
57. I’ve never had one, but I’ve always secretly wanted a black eye. And a broken jaw. Just to know what they feel like. And for some reason when I was a child I thought black eyes were cool.
58. I also thought it would be a good skill to learn to stand still for three hours at a time. I read a book about a boy who was a prince but didn’t know it, but his father had trained him in the ways of royalty and being able to stand still was a royal trait I guess. I had a crush on this prince boy and wanted to be just like him. I never succeeded. Which is good, because I rather like being a girl.
59. Women complain about getting their periods, but I see it as a feminine mystery. We have the power to create life in our bellies! It’s a miraculous, mysterious thing, and the monthly cycle is a part of that power. Yes, it can be inconvenient and downright painful, but it’s still kind of cool.
60. I have a bit of a flirtation with goddess worship. I don’t worship any goddesses, but I like the idea of God being both masculine and feminine. A wholly masculine God doesn’t captivate or understand me the way I need to be captivated and understood. I think God gets that. I certainly hope he does – otherwise I may be inadvertently damning myself to Hell.
61. I believe that those who die can watch and look over us and even send us messages – the intercession and protection of Saints is very real to me.
62. When I get very scared at night and all the scary movies I’ve seen crowd into my shadows, I ask the Virgin Mary for a mother’s calming touch as I pray to God for spiritual protection. People I respect don’t agree with this. I respectfully disagree with them. The mother of God deserves our respect, and to those who say we shouldn’t worship anyone other than God I say that respect is different than worship. Look it up in the dictionary.
63. I got my ears pierced when I was 2. I sat on the step of the place that pierced ears and I wouldn’t leave until I got what I wanted. It strikes me as funny, and sad, that my parent’s didn’t just pick me up and carry me, kicking and screaming, to the car instead of ‘acquiescing to my request’. Good thing I wasn’t an only child. I would be such a bitch.
64. I did continue reading the Harry Potter book – and today (August 3rd – this is taking some time, people, sorry) I discovered that my copy is missing 33 pages, from page 257 to page 288. The misery that has caused me was assuaged by S., who consoled me (I was almost in tears) and Troll, who leant me his copy during the show so I could read the missing pages and continue with my copy now. S. also found the copy that exists online in case I couldn’t find a copy to borrow, which touched me deeply because S. could care less about Harry Potter and whether he lives or dies. I found it very sweet that he would go to so much effort to console me.
65. In all the realm of illegal substances, the only one that has ever really fascinated me is LSD. Since learning about flashbacks my curiosity has waned. The Parental Units can breathe now.
66. For the last two days (August 4th and 5th – if you have a problem with how long this is taking, try doing it yourself. It takes a lot of thought to not repeat myself. Anyway…) some gland in the right side of my throat has been swollen to the point of being able to touch that dangly thing in the back of my throat. It hurts a lot and this morning I didn’t think I could swallow anything thicker than pudding. Since the long weekend means that all the doctor’s offices are closed I ended up going to the Emergency Ward (sorry Dad) where I was told I likely have strep throat. I am now sucking on a very medicated tasting lozenge and talking as little as possible in order to not lose my voice.
67. I’ve worn glasses since I was 2. Before I got them I was a very obedient child in public but once I could see I immediately began going and looking at things like toys, leaving my parents to freak out when they discovered I was missing.
68. I steal blankets, pillows and bed space when I sleep with other people. I imagine I steal them when I’m sleeping alone too, only there isn’t anyone to witness this event.
69. Apparently I also respond violently to those around me in my sleep, with elbows to the face and kicks to the limbs.
70. My dad and my brothers and I share a sense of humour that my poor mother doesn’t get. Example: The phrase, “I’ve got to go take a pee” – don’t take pee, leave it. It’s not nearly as messy.
71. When I’m driving alone in my car listening to the radio, I sing along and pretend I’m in a band performing at a concert.
72. My laptop (which was a present from my parents – thank you parents) has one of those little mouse pads in it, with ‘palm check’ which is a curiosity to me, but I don’t know what it means and I don’t care enough to find out.
73. I talk to myself a lot. Almost every time I’m alone I hold conversations with myself, sometimes telling stories, sometimes going over past experiences or possible future confrontations. I’m always afraid someone will walk in and hear me, but if it’s happened no-one has told me yet.
74. I would like to have a particular scent that is mine. You read about women who always smell like a certain perfume – I’d like that, but I can’t find a perfume or scent that I like that doesn’t give me a headache or hasn’t been claimed by others I know. Plus it’s a lot of bother to always make sure I wear a certain scent. I suppose just smelling like a clean me is going to have to do.
75. Occasionally I hear words according to their spellings. The first time this happened was when my uncle asked me how my dad was enjoying the ‘log hall’ – at least, that’s how I heard it. He actually said ‘log haul’ (Dad was hauling logs at the time). It gets very confusing because people repeat themselves but it doesn’t help – I’ve heard ‘burleigh’ (which apparently isn’t even a word) instead of ‘burly’ and ‘b-day’ instead of ‘bidet’. It doesn’t happen often but when it does people look at me like I’ve lost my mind while I look at them like they’re speaking Chinese.
76. I like to read the dictionary. Okay, I don’t know if this one counts because if you read this blog often enough you already know that. So I’ll tag onto it that as a child I decided to read through the entire children’s fiction section of the Grande Prairie Library in alphabetical order (which is how they’re filed in case you don’t ever go into the fiction section of a library). I didn’t end up succeeding – I didn’t like some of the authors – but it did introduce me to people like Avi, who I really enjoyed, and Lloyd Alexander, who I can’t help but think I would have run into anyway but perhaps not so soon. It also led me to a series called “The Swallows and The Amazons” about some English children who learned how to sail, and knew Morse code and Semaphore, and had the coolest adventures ever. Because of them, I learned Morse code and about half the Semaphore alphabet before running out of steam (you can only get so far with a code like that without anyone else to talk to, but I was so fluent in Morse that I could read and write with Morse as quickly as I could with the Roman alphabet).
77. When I got older I decided to try the adult section. Once again I didn’t actually read them all, but this time I was wiser and knew that would happen so I just looked at them all and read the ones that caught my interest. I believe that is how I met Terry Pratchett (well, re-met actually, since I had met him in the children’s section and then forgotten about him – Truckers, Diggers, and Wings are such wonderful books that it shames me a little to admit that I’d forgotten them but thank goodness I was reintroduced so the shame can be abated in the light of the fact that since that reintroduction I’ve read almost everything else that he’s ever written).
78. I love that my lava lamp is called a ‘peace light’ on the box. I also love how the wax makes fantastic shapes before resolving into the typical up and down balls. It reminds me of dancing aliens or how cave architecture – what are they called? Stalactites? – would look if it could move in the wind.
79. I have always wanted to see if I could be self-reliant. At one point in my life I wanted to own a farm and have sheep, chickens, either cattle or goats, horses to plough and travel with, and enough land to keep me and my critters alive. Eventually I realized that I couldn’t do all the work on my own but I still think it would be a worthwhile endeavour. It would be a lot of work, but surely it would be very satisfying, to know that all your work was keeping you alive in a very direct way?
80. I also considered the following careers – family doctor, surgeon, exotic dancer/stripper, security guard, police officer, librarian (this could still end up as my day job), thief, computer hacker, spy, secretary, lawyer, biologist, writer (this one is still on the table), mechanic, truck driver, something in the oil field, high class hooker (like Xavier Hollander – don’t worry, Mom and Dad, this was more a flight of fancy than an actual consideration) or escort, stewardess (back when they were still called stewardesses), pilot, Mary Kay consultant (I tried this one for a very brief time and decided the MK women were too crazy for me. Their almost fanatical belief in their product – which is very good makeup but not enough for me to get into a religious fervour over – scared me. Greatly.), archaeologist, philosopher, anthropologist, university professor (probably in English or Philosophy), linguistics, or someone who studies things like symbology, which I was into long before it was all cool from the Da Vinci Code. (Please read that last bit in a snooty tone.) Oh, I also went through my required little girl phase of wanting to become a vet, but I added several other facets to that phase, including sheep shearer and jockey (I did read all of the Black Stallion books). I also wanted to be a magical entity or a minor god (I suppose I should have wanted to be a minor goddess but meh.) and failing that, a princess. Or dictatress or ruler of the world/universe/country/or at least a small island somewhere where I could make all the rules.
81. I sometimes think that pictures of people actually have little cameras in the eyes through which the original people are watching me. I know that isn’t true – but sometimes I turn pictures over when I’m changing, just in case.
82. I like stuffed animals. I have a lot of them, most of which are sitting in a box in storage at my parent’s place. However, some of them made their way here. Piglet, Mr. Rabbit, Mad Cow (who looks crazy and is a little scary but since he’s so small it’s okay – Piglet could take him if Piglet wasn’t so timid), Gregory the dragon, Lamb (who is a boy), Lulu (who is a girl lamb but has one ear missing from some adventure we went on when I was a toddler), Rocco the Raccoon (his tag says Ringo but I keep calling him Rocco so I guess that’s his name now), Mr. White Bear who tells me stories and Yellow Bear, who S. keeps insisting is a boy but since I’ve known her since I was 9 months old I think I know better, are all sitting in various places around my room. Rocco, Mr. Bear and Yellow Bear live on my bed, the reasons being that Yellow Bear has supreme seniority over all the other stuffies and Mr. Bear and Rocco were gifts from S. I also have Ernie and Bert living in questionable harmony, a gift from my father. S. thinks they’re gay but I’m not so sure.
83. I took two years of violin lessons, during which I went through three levels of Suzuki training. My violin teacher didn’t understand how I learn music until my very last lesson, when he told me to turn my back and repeat what he was playing on the piano on my violin. I did, almost perfectly. I learn by ear, see, not by reading the music. I sensed a great disappointment in him then. I think he wished he had known that earlier because we could have gotten a lot further if he hadn’t been trying to teach me based only on reading the music. I can read music – I see the black spot and I know which note to play – but I can’t read rhythm without a lot of stopping and counting, and it’s like listening to a severe dyslexic trying to read (it’s just painful) because it still doesn’t come out right. I still don’t know what it is supposed to sound like. But once I hear someone else play the notes, it’s as if they put the emphasis in the right spot and then it all clicks together like magic. It’s the most amazing thing, that moment of clarity. I wonder if that is what it is like when people first learn to read. I learned to read when I was 4 or 5 and I don’t remember it – as far as my memory is concerned I’ve been able to read forever. I sometimes feel like I got gypped because I don’t have that memory of the first time the black marks made coherent sense but I don’t complain because at least reading has always been easy, like breathing, for me and I’d rather not have to struggle with the words I love so much.
Well. I almost didn’t realize I was done. 83 goes a lot faster than I thought it would.
I just hope Troll doesn’t misread this title as 183 Random Things – I don’t think I have the time or patience for a list like that…
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
8 Random Things
1. I like writing lists. As a child I would write long lists of information copied verbatim from books that I owned. Eventually I realized I didn't need multiple copies of the same info. It did help me learn and retain stuff though (I think...)
2. I chew on the inside of my cheek when I'm thinking. My mom always assumes that I'm thinking something interesting but it can be my mind wandering or making a grocery list - or thinking of deep and profound things to say. Odds are good either way.
3. For example, I often zone out, chewing my cheek and thinking about what my life would be like if I could do magic or if I had different supernatural abilities. One of my reoccurring faves is shape shifting...
4. I like being nude. If I could I would walk around the house completely naked. Clothes just feel so confining.
5. At the same time, I really like clothes. I have far too many of them. I either feel comfortable or really damn sexy in almost everything I own - some magic items are both comfy and hot. ;)
6. I really like my body - except the stretch marks on my thighs, which I got from growing (thanks to my connective tissue disorder).
7. That said, I'm beginning to like wearing shorts anyway.
8. I have vivid dreams. I always have. I usually write them down and read them years later. Most of the time I remember them. Sometimes I don't.
2. I chew on the inside of my cheek when I'm thinking. My mom always assumes that I'm thinking something interesting but it can be my mind wandering or making a grocery list - or thinking of deep and profound things to say. Odds are good either way.
3. For example, I often zone out, chewing my cheek and thinking about what my life would be like if I could do magic or if I had different supernatural abilities. One of my reoccurring faves is shape shifting...
4. I like being nude. If I could I would walk around the house completely naked. Clothes just feel so confining.
5. At the same time, I really like clothes. I have far too many of them. I either feel comfortable or really damn sexy in almost everything I own - some magic items are both comfy and hot. ;)
6. I really like my body - except the stretch marks on my thighs, which I got from growing (thanks to my connective tissue disorder).
7. That said, I'm beginning to like wearing shorts anyway.
8. I have vivid dreams. I always have. I usually write them down and read them years later. Most of the time I remember them. Sometimes I don't.
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