Reflections on Death and the Gossip Mill

I think I actually have some buttons from my Uncle John’s death. I had no idea that his death had affected me in any way. I feel that I didn’t really know him, that it was the death of a stranger to me that nevertheless ripped my father apart. Most of my pain from that death arose from the pain I saw my father, my grandmother, my cousins experiencing. But I have buttons, buttons about respecting the privacy of the family to mourn. Buttons about giving people space. Respecting the process, the death, the loss and the grief for even just one fucking day before that gossip mill starts up again, just one fucking day, people, that’s all I ask.

This revelation was triggered by the death of one of the people in Barkerville. One of the Chinatown shop keepers, who also worked in the Chinese restaurant, died in a car accident. Her entire family work in BVille. It’s a small town. Something like this, a death, especially a sudden and unexpected death, gets around fast. It’s how a small town works and I know that. But I didn’t expect the rampant gossip that accompanied it: they were on their way to pick up their son; he was in the car; he wasn’t in the car; the husband has minor injuries; the son must feel so much guilt; the driver must be beside himself; the father and son are in Vancouver; they’re coming in tonight to pick up some things from the shop.

And the insincere comments of grief. Okay, I know some people were upset, some were really upset; but funnily enough they weren’t stopping to talk to anyone who wanted to talk about what had happened. They stuck to themselves and stayed out of sight for most of the day. But the ones who were whispering on the street – “She was so nice. I’m going to really miss her. I didn’t even know they were married.” This, verbatim, from a lady who has been working here for years. Years. I’ve been here two months and I didn’t know the deceased. I’d met her twice. She served me in the restaurant once, and sold me a fan from the shop. Yet I knew who her husband was. I wanted to ask, “Just how much are you going to miss this woman whom you obviously never got to know, who you just saw when you ate at the Duck when she took your order with a happy smile and a polite greeting, how much can you miss her? You knew nothing about her life. You don’t care, you just want to gossip about her death and her family, you stupid bitch.” But I didn’t. I walked away instead and avoided all the gaggles on the street for the rest of the day.

Maybe I’m too cynical.

But when I overheard a shop keep telling the story (a gossip version, so full of inaccuracies no less) to tourists – plain ordinary tourists who don’t care, who don’t give a shit about the family or who died, they’re just callous voyeurs in someone else’s pain – I got infuriated. Again, I wanted to shake them and scream in their fat ugly face, “How dare you? How dare you say, ‘It’s a big family here in Barkerville, when someone dies we all feel the pain’ when you aren’t even doing the bare minimum to respect the family, the actual family who are in actual pain, you don’t even respect their right to grieve privately without a bunch of curious eyes on them, eyes from people they don’t even know?” Again I held my tongue and kept walking, walking away from the idiots who I think would change their tune if it was their mother/daughter/sister/wife who had died. But maybe not.

This isn’t Michael Jackson, who the world felt they had a right to (whether they did or not); this is an everyday woman who I would bet most of the people in town didn’t know anything about, didn’t spend a moment’s thought on when she wasn’t serving them in the restaurant or the shop.

They didn’t even wait for the corpse to cool. Gossip flies in this town, to the point where the lady who runs the Wells General Store came into Barkerville to share the latest news as soon as she got it. She couldn’t even wait for people to get off work and come into the store, in case they heard it somewhere else first; no, she had to come into our working place, interrupt our work day to tell us all the newest gossip. Not professional. Not polite. Not respectful, but it makes her feel important and she doesn’t care about the people at whose expense she feels big. She just knows something we don’t know, and can’t wait to share it with us. I walked away before she could talk to me. I have another two months here. I don’t want to say something I’ll regret.

I don’t know the woman or her family. I am not in pain or upset or grieving but out of respect for those who are I feel it’s wrong to comment on her death and guess at what happened. It’s just rude to speculate on the guilt those who were involved must feel. But all day that’s what I heard and it made me furious, absolutely furious, to the point where S. had to tell me to stop ranting and just accept that small towns are vicious with their gossip.

The thing is, I’ve lived in small towns before. I grew up in a small town community and spent the last four years of my life in Rosebud which is almost as small as they get. The gossip mill was (and is) alive and well in Rosebud too. But it felt different. I thought about it for a while and I think it’s because in Rosebud the people you are gossiping about are usually your classmates, roommates, cast mates or friends. Or all of the above. Rarely in Rosebud is there someone who is only involved in one of your spheres of existence. There’s a more personal connection to everyone you’re likely to hear gossip about. I won’t deny that I’ve heard some downright nasty and cruel rumours in Rosebud. No town is immune to that kind of thing, unfortunately. But to gossip about death? Not something the town would do with such rabid ferocity. It wouldn’t have been treated like a piece of entertainment, a piece of news to liven up the day. Not like here in Barkerville. I’d like to think that in Rosebud we would instead get together and comfort each other and the bereaved; pray; go on with our lives without telling the patrons of the theatre about the death in all it’s details instead of speculating on things until four different stories of the event were circulating throughout town.

I think the difference there though is that in Rosebud people have a vested interest in each other. There the lives of the people around you touch you in some way and when you actually know the person who is suffering, you are less likely to just stand around and whisper about their loss; their loss is in a way your loss too. You at the very least feel echoes of their pain. Here in Wells and Barkerville people don’t live together. They work together. Whatever the shop keeps might say, there is a difference. Working together doesn’t make you family. If I had any doubts, the rumour mongering this weekend proved it to me. Family doesn’t gossip about the death of one of it’s own. Family doesn’t spill the news to strangers just for the thrill, or to feel important. Family bands together and weathers the emotional storm. Family holds each other up instead of ripping each other down for every last nugget of information.

When my uncle died there was a bit of both, I guess. He died in unusual circumstances which meant that strangers thought they had a right to know what had happened – in reality they couldn’t control their curiosity and for some reason that was our problem to solve in the midst of grief. It didn’t help that some of those strangers were from the press. One reporter phoned every person with our last name in the phonebook, asking the same questions which (I believe) we all declined to answer. They didn’t give up but they ended up getting their information from some satellite ‘family’ member who didn’t know what was going on…and it got printed in the paper, gossip presented as journalism.

On the other side of the coin were the people coming in quietly with support, food, hands to hold and shoulders to cry into, stories to make us remember my uncle and stories to make us laugh. Those people were the true friends, the family, the ones who maybe didn’t claim to share our pain but who respected it and let us know they were there for us. All without agenda. They didn’t come grieve with us so they could feel important or whisper about the circumstances of our grief with their curious neighbours. They came because they actually gave a damn about us, about our loss and about my uncle.

When people feel the need to share intimate details of loss with voyeurs to make themselves look and feel important, they aren’t family and never have been. The sad thing is that some of them can’t see the wrong in what they’ve done. People like that get no respect from me but bigger than that I think they’ve lost sight of something precious, something compassionate that makes us humans noble.

This whole event has done nothing to make me less jaded about human nature, that’s for sure.

Right now I feel that even if the rest of this place…it’s remote natural beauty…the easy job…the general friendliness of the people…even if it all begged for me to come back this one incident is enough to make me turn my back on this town forever and never come here to work again.

That might change as time goes on. We’ll see. But right now I think I’ll leave and not be sad to go.

Cold

I hate having to check my email in the store.

There's people around all the time and I can't be sure that no-one is reading over my shoulder.

That's one of the things I really miss about being home. That and having a house all to ourselves, with only our dirty dishes on the counter.

And the heat.

It's so cold here, even though it's a sunny day. I've been told July gets warmer. It had better be true.

But life is good. Even if I'm cold. And the job is good as well. So I'll stop complaining now.

Life

My life is going pretty well. I'm enjoying myself and don't have anything to complain about.

The lives of some of the people who are important to me aren't as free from care.

It's confusing. I don't know what to think or feel. I'm trying to just feel what's there and not think about it too much right now.

Other than that I don't have much to say except that I'm really, really glad S. is there for me.

Northern Life So Far

The week we left for Barkerville my car died. I drove it to Rosebud so that it would be looked after, cared for, started once in a while – so that it would still run when I got back from BC – and on the way there the water pump decided it was no more for this world and the engine overheated and I perhaps cooked my engine. I still don’t know. I left it in the hands of a friend and we’ll see in five months whether I have a car or am in the market.

I do appreciate the bitter irony of the car situation.

The actual trip to BC was made without incident. We drove through the mountains with snow and rain and sun each taking their turn. We didn’t see any animals much to my disappointment. I did see birds – a Great Blue Heron, a few hawks and some ducks of various breeds – but no animals that run on all fours. Unless you count squirrels, in which case I saw one.

The hotel we stayed in was small and much, much dirtier than the images on their website led me to believe. I walked in and said, “I have a reservation.” The woman at the desk said, “You have a reservation? Here?” She sounded so surprised. I knew right then that things were going to be a bit squibby. When she looked down at her papers and called me by name, it clinched it. Obviously the place is not a well-used hotel, as the three vehicles in the parking lot implied. (One of them was ours.) We watched some television and went to bed.

The rest of the trip was also without incident. We ate breakfast in a place that had no fruit on the menu which normally I wouldn’t have noticed but I really wanted French toast with fruit that morning (damn); we commented on the remote farmhouses and ranches and wondered who in their right mind wanted to live out there all year round? Or at all? We kept a sharp eye out for the turn Google Maps had told us about – but when we got to Prince George we realized that the road didn’t exist. (I have since learned that Google Maps was directing us to a road built in the 1860’s which is no longer in use if it even still exists.) In Prince George the highway was being used as a parking lot and we had to drive carefully to avoid hitting mirrors. I have no idea what was going on but apparently it was a big deal, as everyone in town was there. With their dog and their dog’s car.

We explored Quesnel briefly and then went to Wells. The road was long and curvy but we made it there in one piece and found the house we are staying in – the yellow house next to the even yellower community centre. It was indeed easy to spot, as we had been told it would be. We met our roommate, Tim, who is a nice guy and reminded both S. and I of someone we know. It took us almost the entire evening to figure out who – the art teacher from our Certificate year! I don’t think he sleeps much, as we’re always in bed before him and he’s always up before us. When we wake up at night he’s either not home or he’s up eating or drinking coffee. I don’t understand it but that’s just because I like to sleep 10 hours or more a night.

The snow here. Wow. The snow! When we got here it was piled up against buildings, laying in thick white blankets on the baseball diamond – six to ten feet near the house and probably four out in the open. I wish I’d taken pictures as now, after a week or so of sun and (mostly) rain it has shrunk considerably. (Near some buildings it was piled up to the eaves!) It was cold our first few days of work.

We got costumes after a few days, which actually made it warmer. A corset holds in a considerable amount of heat and the dresses hide all the civvies I care to wear underneath them. On the coldest day I was wearing two pairs of socks, long johns, jeans, two shirts, a corset (as well as the necessary modern underwear), a heavy petticoat, my green dress, a scarf, gloves, a wig (to keep my ears warm), a hat, rubber boots and a thick woollen cape.

It was warmer today so I wore my blue dress. I like it quite a bit. It has a lace collar and cuffs and a lacy bustle as well. Those women in the 1870’s sure liked their bustles. Not to sound vain, but I look good in period costumes. A part of me wants to wear those kinds of clothes all the time, except for how sore my back and shoulders get. They’re heavy and really, I couldn’t wear a corset all the time. I like being able to tie my shoes and lean back on chairs and snuggle up on a sofa with a book, all rendered impossible with a properly fitted corset.

However, I was not the only person who thought I looked fine, much to my dismay. Today I collected a follower of the male persuasion, much to the amusement of all my co-workers. I can’t remember his name but apparently he latches on to a different pretty girl each summer and I’m the unhappy target this year. The fact that I have a boyfriend isn’t likely to deter him – one year his object of affection was clearly and obviously married. My boss has had to talk to him before about bothering actors who are working, so if I can’t shake him on my own at least someone will deal with him for me. Actually, my boss gave me and S. permission to kiss – full on French – in front of this guy; this while we are portraying an era where men and women didn’t even touch in public.

Hopefully I won’t need to resort to that.

I’ll try to keep this blog up to date through-out the summer. It’s a bit hard – I have to bring my laptop to the local general store to access the internet and after work it’s the last thing I feel like doing. However, like I said, I’ll do my best.

I'm Not Dead

But I do have limited internet access.  I'll be back, I promise - I have blog posts written and waiting for me to get my computer to an internet port.  Soon, soon!

Awesomeness

Migraine medication would be awesome if it worked.

Frick.

I have a super-power - the invincible migraine! My last prescription migraine pill, Advil by the (over)dose, Aspirin (even though I'm not supposed to take it), Robaxacet, to relax my tense muscles...all it does is make me sleep really well and wake up to -

a migraine.

Oh well. It'll go away eventually.

I hope.

(Just for the record, I didn't take all those drugs at once. That's, like, two days worth of headache fighting.)

Observations

The other day a little girl was looking at books in the front of the store.  She turned to tell her mom something and her mom wasn't there.  She was looking around but she couldn't see her mom anywhere so I asked her what her mom looked like.

"She has Lulu lemon pants," she said.

That's it.  What kind of little girl doesn't tell you what her mom's hair colour is, or what colour she's wearing?  Brand names?  Really?  But that's what she said.

She ended up finding her mom right away after that, thank goodness.  Her mom wasn't a very nice woman.  She didn't pay any attention to her little girl calling out, "Mommy!  Mommy!" at the front of the store and it's not like she couldn't hear her.

I will grant the little girl was a whiny thing, who when they got to the till asked over and over and over, "Mommy can I have a book?  Mommy can I have a book?" without even enough time for her mother to answer.  Very annoying.  When I hear a child do that I immediately assume they are spoiled and used to getting what they want.  Otherwise why would they keep asking?  But instead of giving her the standard distracted "No" answer, her mother replied with, "No.  I know, I'm a terrible mother, not buying you anything.  Not giving you what you want," complete with a knowing look to whoever was helping her at the till.  (I hate that.  It creates violent urges in me.)

Then the little girl switched tactics.  Not getting a book?  Fine.  Bookmarks are smaller, more attainable perhaps.  Her mom denied her again with the same phrases...but then she asked if we had Twilight bookmarks.  The little girl got so excited - but then the mother just bought one for herself.  She was going out of her way to buy the things the little girl wanted for herself.  There was a malicious tone to everything she did, directed towards her child.  I didn't like her one bit.  She was a mean woman who took out her meanness on her little girl because her child was small and powerless.  Those are the kind of people I want to punch in the face until they bleed.  Copiously.

And then give her little girl to someone who gives a damn and will raise her to be a healthy, functional adult.  Because this woman certainly won't.

Family Visit

I had a good weekend. Three days off in a row is always nice, nicer still when I get to see people I love. My mom came down for a few days. We had good conversations and went shopping together - we even took in a theatre show.

It was so nice to see her again. I went from living at my parents to seeing them every four months to now, where I see them every...eight months? Every year? It can be a long time in between visits now that my schedule is no longer ruled by the school semester but by work and all too infrequent holidays. If we lived closer geographically it would be different but alas, this is how life goes sometimes.

I think of my mom, moving away from her family and going years without seeing them. I don't think I could go years. Of course my family will come see me sometimes too so the onus isn't all on me to do the travelling like it was on her. That helps a lot.

The next time I see my family might be this summer. I'm going to Barkerville BC to work for five months. It's a place my family likes to visit so they'll kill two birds with one stone and I'll get to see them again. Except for my youngest brother, who is now beginning to experience the constraint of a working schedule too.

But there's always Christmas. I hope.

It's Been A While...

...but not much is going on.

I had an audition with ATP...I still work at the bookstore...oh, the french guy who gave me his number and then asked me out on a date who I then turned down but then stupidly decided might be friend material is 'still hoping' as my co-worker put it, and worse, still showing up at work to chat aka flirt when I've done everything I can think of (other than freezing him out) to show him I'm not interested...I'm preparing to go to Barkerville BC for the summer...S. opened a show tonight in another city and I really hope it went well...I'm preparing for another audition next week...my mom is coming to visit me tomorrow!

My life in one long paragraph with lots of elipses. I love elipses.

Promotion

I have keys to the book store.

That might be a bad idea.

Hopefully there are still books in there tomorrow.

Company

I got this from my brother.

A married couple was in a car when the wife turned to her husband and asked, "Would you like to stop for a coffee?"

"No, thanks," he answered truthfully. So they didn't stop.

The wife, who had indeed wanted to stop, became annoyed because she felt her preference had not been considered. The husband, seeing his wife was angry, became frustrated. Why didn't she just say what she wanted?

Unfortunately, he failed to see that his wife was asking the question not to get an instant decision, but to begin a negotiation. And the wife didn't realize that when her husband said no, he was just expressing his preference, not making a ruling. When a man and woman interpret the same interchange in such conflicting ways, it's no wonder they can find themselves leveling angry charges of selfishness and obstinacy at each other.


When I read this, I laughed out loud because it was almost verbatim a conversation S. and I had about a year ago. We figured it out within the half-hour - but it's nice to know we aren't alone in our misunderstandings!

Random Thoughts from a Migraining Brain

I have specific rituals that help me deal with a migraine. I take drugs with coke, I perhaps eat corn chips with salsa, and I lay in bed in the dark, listening to CBC radio while I zone in and out of consciousness until I feel better and can function again. I have been in bed for something like 16 hours now, and I feel a little better but not enough to get up and do anything. I'm a little surprised I'm writing on a computer actually. It goes against all of my migraine patterns and it isn't helping me at all.

It's so hot in the apartment. I can't handle it. I turned down the heat to 15 and it's still hot in here. Damn heat malfunction. I want to stand out on the balcony in my pajamas but I'm not sure what the bylaws are on that sort of thing. I'll settle for opening my bedroom window and letting the cold air soothe my overheated brain.

Apparently St. John New Brunswick is the happiest place in Canada. The people have various reasons. One guy said it was because people were friendly. One 17 year old said there was nothing to do. He wanted to go to Calgary, but couldn't leave his girlfriend. "She's having my kid," he said. Is he scared? No. He's so happy about it, about giving that kid the life he never had. Weird, but he sounded happy anyway, even if he was bored with St. John.

One old guy said the key to a long, happy life was sex and lots of it. Maybe that's why the 17 year old was so happy sounding.

Yesterday they talked about a study on cheating, and how when they asked people to recount the 10 commandments and then gave them chances to cheat or steal, they didn't. Even if they couldn't remember any of the commandments. And that when you are one step away from actual money, you are more likely to steal. What would you take from work? A pencil, or 10 cents from the till? The pencil! And when they made people aware of the monetary value of objects in the office, theft went down. And that giving people huge bonuses makes them less efficient at their work because they spend time being stressed out at the thought of losing the bonus instead of spending time thinking about how to do their job. It was fascinating but I can't remember the name of the study author now.

My computer is literally falling apart - the tiny screws in the bottom are falling out. I wonder why. And why is it hot to the touch? Does that have anything to do with the fact that the battery is unrecognizable to the system? Should I take the battery out? I have no idea. What I don't know about computers could fill a warehouse. Although they are making a quantum computer that can hold way more information than the computers we have now. I do know that, thanks to Quirks and Quarks.

I feel high. Drugs kicking in but I'm still unable to function at a normal level.

I have no more random thoughts. I think I'm going to go back to sleep until my brain is normal again - well, that could take eternity. Until it's back to my normal, at least.

Another Pet Peeve

I hate it when people interrupt me while I'm helping one customer in order to ask for help themselves.

What am I supposed to do? I'm already busy. Legitimately helping someone, doing my job - I wish I could point out how rude they're being but I can't. Although today I came really close. Some guy, who had already interrupted me once - when I was mid sentence, I kid you not - then proceded to yell at me from across the store, asking "Is there anyone who will help me with this?" He was very impatient. And rude. And I was the only one he could see, and we were all busy with other people.

So I said, as he turned away, "Can you not see I'm busy with someone?" and felt bad instantly only because my customer was so nice and I hated to expose my frustration in front of her. Oh well. Guess what, I'm human too, customer. And idiots annoy me.

At least there were no Children of the Exorcism today.

I Love the Smell of Commerce in the Morning

Today a small child screamed like she was possessed by the devil. Like "Exorcism" screaming, all gravelly. It was impressive. Over and over - "My book! My book!" were the only discernable words. Her mother was trying to buy the book for her but she wouldn't let go long enough for it to be scanned at the till. So her mother took her out of the store, and then when it became apparent she wasn't going to stop, her mother took her away. Her screams eventually stopped - but only because she was out of earshot. After they left, we clerks were the only ones in the store, so we chatted about Devil Girl and her mother, and our childhoods and our parents.

Later a man barged into the 'staff only' area, made a beeline for our bathroom and started using it without shutting the door first. How did he even know there was a bathroom back there? It's not advertised and we don't tell customers about it, much less let them use it. We quickly realized he wasn't quite all there, so at least he wasn't a creep who wanted to expose himself to the Coles girls. But still. It was...surreal. And then he left the store without saying a word.

Just to round things out, the fire alarm in the mall went off twice. It's loud. We have an alarm in our ceiling and it flashes a blue light as it beeps. Beeps is too kind a word. As it shrieks on par with Devil Girl it blinks a calm blue light. If that's for deaf people they get the better end of the deal. Except if I were deaf, I wouldn't realize that meant fire. It's too calm and blue.

That's been my day. The things I would tell S. about if he were here. Sigh.

Thoughts I Repressed Today

"Telling me the title over and over will not help me find the book, so SHUT UP ALREADY."

"If this computer says we don't have it, the other computer won't give us a different answer!"

"Why are you here?"

"Why didn't you follow me - do you think the book will just hover over to you?"

"How am I supposed to find a book based on, 'it's got a silver cover'?"

"Are you buying this book or not? And if so, will you please come back to the till, you moron?"

"Did you not hear what I just asked you?"

(That last one I think almost every day with more and more irritation. Why? Because I am developing a new pet peeve. I'll ask a customer, "Can I help you?" and they'll say, "Yes, I'm fine," and walk away as fast as they can. Did they not hear what I asked? Do they think I'll pressure them into buying Twilight? God Almighty, it makes me want to punch them in the face. It's not like they don't speak English. The ones that don't speak English usually just smile and nod, or say, "Browsing!" like it's a magic word that will protect them from pushy sales clerks. But I don't get a commission from selling books. All it does is give me something to do.)

On a side note, today I actually chased a woman away from the store. All it took was a "Are you finding everything okay?" and she nodded and barely had time to say, "I'm fine thank you" before she was out the door and gone.

I don't understand.

Maybe on my last day I'll say what I'm thinking - but I say that about every job and I never do it. Too polite and professional I guess. Too used to repressing my real thoughts and showing a happy smiling face to a world that doesn't bother to look beneath the surface.

I'm not sure why my thoughts are so dark. I started out the day happily enough. I had way more happy customers than unhappy ones. I had a fairly uneventful benign day at work. And yet I'm just frustrated and fed up with not living the life I want. Not paying my bills with my writing. Not getting paid to tell stories in one form or another.

I enjoy working with books all day.

But I really don't want to do this forever, and every job I get that isn't what I want for my life wears on me quicker and quicker.

Maybe that was the one thought I should have repressed today - just for the sake of my short term happiness.

And maybe it's the one thought I should be most aware of.

Things I've Seen

I saw a small Asian boy smiling like Buddah would smile if he were a baby with no cares in the world, as he was pushed through the mall in his stroller. He only stopped smiling when he saw me watching him, even though I was smiling at him. I wonder why. Then he went back to his own little world and the look of pure contentment came back.

I want to look that content while I go my way through the world.

Today I was met by my boss without a smile, not even in her voice. I think now that she must have had a stressed morning but this morning I took it personally and the first hour or two of my day were terrible. I wanted to quit. I wanted to throw books at stupid people. I wanted to gouge the eyes out of wailing children. And then I realized that my boss has always greeted me with a smile and a friendly word and that there was nothing I could have done in the first thirty seconds of my day to make her upset, so it must be from a cause outside myself. I am very egocentric. I must be two years old. That must be why I look so young. ;) Although if I keep taking everything personally it will age me before my time.

I was told by an older man that I was wise beyond my years. He doesn't know me, so he doesn't know all my faults - that I have the ego of a toddler. We talked about the school system and the lack of balance therein. He teaches shop, and the troubled kids 'get better' in his class because instead of trying to build with letters and numbers and failing, they build with their hands and succeed. The school wants him to take his counselling degree but he doesn't want to because he cannot counsel out of the context of his class. Or he doesn't think so. He was so easy to talk to. He said not many people believed in the need for balance. That's why he thinks I'm so wise. Because I know that balance is a need, even if I can't acheive it myself. He asked how I got so wise and I said I'd just always been a thinker. He said him too. He'd always stood on the edge and watched others, and half-wanted to get involved but holding back because most of the stuff others were doing looked so damn stupid. I added the damn. It's the first time I've met someone who put in words what I've lived my whole life. It was exhilerating and sad. I don't know why it was sad. Perhaps because I know that there is a cost to being the watcher and I'm not sure I want to pay it, even if I don't know any other way to be.

He seemed happy. He said if I ever had time and saw him around the mall, we should go for coffee.

It made me wonder why the only guys who ask me out for coffee are either older than me by decades, or younger than me and socially awkward. Even though he didn't ask me out on a date. It didn't feel like that, anyway. More like he enjoyed our conversation as much as I did and would like to chat with me again sometime. That I wouldn't mind.

Now I'm down because I'm an observer. Like Britney says, there are two types of people in this world. The ones that entertain, and the ones who observe.

Who would have thought wisdom could come from pop stars. But if it can come from the mouths of babes, perhaps it can come from anywhere.

Good Fences

"Good fences make good neighbours."

Our upstairs neighbour is not a quiet man. He's either blowing his nose or he has a baby elephant up there. (Maybe that's what happened to the baby elephant at the zoo.) He gets up and stomps around at 5 in the morning on a regular basis. (I've even been woken up by a string of swear words, cause unknown. Not the best way to face the world in the early morn.) He spends his weekends listening to truly terrible music late into the night, as though unaware that there are other people who have to work on weekends (every weekend, thanks boss...) and need to get to sleep at a reasonable hour - not one in the morning. And he cheers for the Flames. Which is bad enough on its own. And he cheers loudly. With a lot of swear words.

The guy downstairs is either dying of lung cancer...or he's just got a really terrible cough.

I wonder if they secretly want to stomp on the floor to shut us up, but I really doubt it. We're pretty quiet people, S. and I.

Good fences?

I think good walls make good neighbours.

Advice on the Radio

I wake up in the morning to CBC Radio. A good way to get a clue about the outside world, a bad way to remember dreams - they fade in the blur of murders and the many varied tragedies that are deemed important for me to know about.

This morning, although I don't remember what happened on the news (except for a school shooting in Germany), I did lay in bed and listen to half an hour of Q. They were going to interview some Monty Python people but couldn't get ahold of them, so instead they aired an interview they had already done with David Sedaris.

Working in a book store (which I may not be for much longer but that's another story) I see books and authors all around me every day that I was previously unaware of. David Sedaris is one of those authors. He's in the humour section. Guys are the ones who pick up his books so I had relegated him to a pile in my mind labled, not interesting.

What a mistake that was. The interview was fascinating. He's a morbid guy. Morbid and funny and all he does is observe the world around him. And when he writes about his friends and family, which he does a lot, he always clears it by them first. Gets them to read it and tell him if there's anything they want him to change. Why? Because he values his relationships over his writing. What he's going to share with the world, he clears with the ones he loves first.

That level of respect impressed me greatly.

I don't think I've done a very good job of doing that. So now I'm going to start.

It doesn't cramp my creativity. I write what I want and no-one stops me. But if I'm going to share that writing with the world? There is a fall out from that, and it had better be one that I, and those who are important to me, can live with.

Thank you, David Sedaris. You will probably never read this (unless you have that Google thing that lets you know anytime someone writes your name online) but thank you anyway.

No Shame

I have no shame. When I’m at work and I know a man is interested in me and not the books, I walk the very thin, precarious line of flirtation to see if I can make him buy something.

I have a pretty good record so far. Hurrah for the retail world. Just doing my part to stimulate…the economy.

And yesterday I got a phone number out of the deal.

Too bad I’m a) not single and b) 15 years younger than him.

At least he was good looking. He was from Montreal and has a steady job as a flight attendant for West Jet. When I said I’d thought about trying to get hired on there he said he could get me a job.

That was why he gave me his number…or at least the pretence.

I’m not sure whether I can follow up because I don’t know for sure that he had no ulterior motives. He was flirting pretty heavy by the time he gave me his number. At least, most guys don’t say they’re good marriage material in regular conversation.

Oh well. It’s not like I can work for West Jet right now anyways. I’m going to BC for the summer to work as a street performer. Maybe when I come back. If I have no acting work.

We’ll see.

Laughing

In the previous post I wrote that God was laughing at me.

I think I might be laughing along with now. Sheepishly, but laughing.

As Hope mentioned in her comment - free will and choice, not either/or. It's true. It's annoying sometimes but it's true.

And maybe that's what sparks the laughter. Realizing that I'm basically throwning a tantrum. I'm 25 now - I thought tantrums were supposed to be in my distant past?

Apparently not. So I'll go from banging my heels and screeching to ROTFL instead.

Choices, Always Choices

I hate change. I like having security - a steady job, a steady (if small) paycheque, a steady path layed out in front of me...to the grave...

If I am honest with myself I know that the steady path also bores me. The thought of spending my life that way fills me with a greater fear - that I will die unfulfilled because I chose to. Because I chose the easy, safe path.

Fuck!

I hate having to make choices where there is no right answer. Why can't God actually give me direction instead of free will and the ability to choose what I will do?

He drives me nuts.

I'm not sure I'd have it any other way. Difficult human that I am, I would rebel against any path set in front of me unless I set it there myself.

Well, fuck.

Back to square one, and somewhere, God is laughing at me. I know it.

Unwanted Empathy

Today I understand, at least a little, what my mom must have felt all those years Dad was driving truck in the snow and sleet and icy cold.

At least I know my love is stranded in a hotel while the storm rages outside.

Even if he isn't in the city he was supposed to be in right now.

But I'll take stranded far from home over never coming home any day.

Friday the 13th

I've had such a day today.

It's been a good day. It's been a lot of fun. Wonderful. Kind of beyond descriptors.

I convinced a homeschooling mother to read Twilight so her 12 year old has a chance to read it too. She then offered me a job. She had me write my name and number in the back of the book she hadn't yet purchased so she could give me a call and set up a meeting. I'm intrigued; that's why I actually wrote down my info.

I watched my boss get flowers from her significant other. It was sweet, and cute, and so endearing. Especially since I didn't know she had anyone, and she seemed so blushingly shy and thrilled about it all.

I saw a little girl in a plaid pleated skirt, with really cute boots and a tam o'shanter on. I suddenly wanted a little girl that I could dress up in cute outfits. I've never felt a maternal urge before. It's strong. Later I saw a little girl with such red hair, and it happened again. Hmm.

I saw an old man flirt with my manager and he was so smooth and wonderful at it, younger men should take lessons. Although I think it maybe takes a lifetime to learn. He also had a French-Canadian accent, and was talking about a large house, with an ocean front, and a huge library - things that appeal to women who work in bookstores.

I heard a brogue today that made me want to melt.

I slept in and still made it to work on time. It makes me wonder what I do for 45 minutes every morning - I could be sleeping.

I got to see my love again after almost four days apart. He walked in the door and my heart leapt.

I made chocolate chip cookies and ate the dough.

I told S. of my inexplicable maternal urges and he didn't respond. He was busy figuring out tax stuff - I've figured out when to spring things on him from now on.

I had a smoothie from Jugo Juice. It was good.

Ahh. If I had any worries about Fridays mixing with 13's, they ought to be gone by now.

27 Years

Typing that title reminded me of 27 Dresses, a movie that my mom would probably enjoy watching with me, although she'd have a hard time getting anyone who currently lives in the house with her to watch it with her. I don't get to see my family enough and I miss them - something I realized sharply today as I read letters from my sponsored child. Her letters are written by her grandparents, her father, her uncle - whomever she happens to be with that day. She gets to see them all, all the time. I told her she was lucky to have her family so close to her. She's probably too young to understand but that's okay.

It's fitting that I miss my family today, I suppose. Today, 27 years ago, my parents got married in the living room of the local Justice of the Peace. Rumour has it they had a fit of the giggles; that my mother took my father as her awfully wedded husband; that they forgot they needed more than one witness and had to get the daughter of the JP to sign the papers for them. Not what most would call an auspicious start to a marriage.

But hey. They must have done something right. 27 years of marriage is not a common achievement anymore. Probably because it takes a hell of a lot of work. Work that my parents have not always done with the gusto and enthusiasm that they have for it today. There were times when I was small that I was so afraid they'd get divorced and I'd never see my dad again. Or worse, I'd have to choose one of them to live with, and how does any child make that decision? It weighed on my young mind.

I am so grateful to them that I never had to make that choice. That they did do the work, and they did stick it out, and that they are still together today. And happy. They are happy, and that is something too because not all couples who have made 27 years are happy about it. Not every long-lasting marriage is as healthy as my parent's. Not every long-lasting marriage has two partners in it.

That's what my parents are. They are partners, and it makes my eyes tear up - why? Pride? Love? Joy? Probably a bit of all of those. Relief too. It is such a relief to see that in two people. I take a lot of hope from seeing my parents in their lives and their relationship. Nothing, or nearly nothing, is insurmountable in love if you are committed to making it work.

I see them together, knowing each other. My dad looks for something and without asking what he's looking for my mom will tell him where to find it. And she's right, and she just knew what he was after, without being told. I see my dad, loving my mom, and the joy and playfulness that is there makes the world an alright place to be.

It makes me have hope for myself. As a person. As a lover. As someone in a relationship. Possibly as a parent someday.

It gives me hope for the world.

So today - raise a glass with me to my parents, to their 27 years of growing together. May your joys increase. Your love always fill you up past overflowing. And may you share at least another 27 years together. I love you very much.

Notes On My Days

Note 1, at work: I should not have to wrestle with my fruit before I eat it.

Note 2, at home: I have bruised my temple from pressing it so hard when I had a migraine. I had no comprehension of my own strength. And wow, my head must have hurt to not notice that I was pushing my skull in that hard.

Note 3, at work: I don't have time to listen to a lecture on evolution. I'm here to help you find books, not listen to you pontificate on books you already own. Unless I've read them, liked them, and we have a conversation about them. Then I'll spare the time.

Note 4, at work: Some really strange people come in here. Some really strange people read books.

Note 5: Are children getting more spoiled? Or am I turning into an old lady - "Back when I was a kid..."
That's pretty much all I have right now. But I wanted to share it anyway.

Ten Things I Love

Here's how it works: you get a letter from someone who has done this meme, and then you write. My letter is N. I got it from Hope. If you want a letter, let me know and I'll give you a random one.

1. Now. I am learning to love now, anyway. I have spent so much of my life in the past or the future. Yoga is helping me to appreciate that all I have, the only real thing in my life, is the now.

2. ‘Nog. I didn’t used to like egg-nog, but I have been introduced to it, with milk and a bit of Baileys, and it’s quite good. There are those who think I’m a wiener for not drinking it straight. I’m sorry. It reminds me too much of the first milk from a ewe, all thick and sweet like sugary glue. And if you’re wondering how I know what that looks like, I’ve had to milk a ewe when her lamb wouldn’t nurse. And yes, I tasted it. People use to drink sheep milk, and I wanted to know if it was sweet like the books said. It is. Like egg-nog. So now I dilute my ‘nog, and all is well with the world.

3. Nails (as in fingernails). When they’re pretty and not breaking, that is. I had my first ever manicure last year and it was so nice. I just use my hands so much that it isn’t easy to maintain a well-groomed hand. Every time I see someone with beautiful hands I wish mine were like that too. Kind of.

4. News. I like to listen to the news on CBC Radio when I wake up. Yes, it’s depressing sometimes, but it makes me feel like I’m aware of and connected to the world around me. I started this habit when I was in Rosebud, where if you don’t make an effort to be aware, the world just passes you by and suddenly there’s a new prime minister and you didn’t even know there was an election. Okay, it’s not that bad…but almost.

5. Nosegays. That’s an old word for flowers, and it encompasses two things I love, flowers and old words. Especially flowers picked out of the wild, which then bring that wildness into the house, and old words used naturally and with no thought of trying to appear intellectually superior to the surrounding throngs.

6. Northern Lights. The first time I saw red northern lights I was sitting up in bed at the house my parent’s very nearly bought, looking through my large window in awe at the sky above the Hawthorne trees. I think the first time I heard northern lights was at that house too. We lived there for the last few years that I lived with my family. It surprises me that it took that long for me to hear the lights I saw every winter until I moved to Southern Alberta.

7. Novels! How could this one come so far down the list…well, it’s not in any particular order. Novels. I love reading books, and I really love reading fiction. The latest on my reading list has included Ender in Exile, Bird by Bird and Twilight. Yes, I’m reading Twilight. And yes, it is very enjoyable. If I had my way, I’d actually get a comfy chair at work and sit and read novels all day long until I had read 80% of the books we have (the other 20% don’t interest me…reference books, books on sports, etc.).

8. Numbers. Certain numbers, anyway. I have this weird things about numbers and days of the week, and certain months as well. Some seem to me to be round and soft; other are sharp and adventurous. I prefer (generally speaking) the sharp and adventurous numbers, week days, and months. Unless they are perfect in their roundness, and not dorky at all. February 28th is perfectly round. September 17th is perfectly sharp. May 5th is a stupid mix, trying to be sharp when it really should just give up and be round, but it never will and so it makes me feel irritable and jittery. I have no problem living through the day of May 5th – I just don’t like how it looks on paper, or how it sounds, or how it feels in my mouth or ears. M should make up it’s mind instead of sitting on the fence. Gah. My favourites? 7. 7 and maybe 9. 4 is decent too. And Thursday wins for days of the week, hands down. I’m not sure on months, since so much depends on what day of the month it is. My least favourite numbers are 5, and 3. And Monday.

9. Necks. I notice necks on men, the way they slide into shoulders and arms and torsos. Necks, manly necks, are so amazingly hot. I cannot describe my attraction to necks. And a beautiful graceful neck on a woman will capture my attention and I’ll find myself staring. Perhaps I am a vampire at heart. Necks are beautiful.

10. Nuzzle. This could go along with necks, I guess; a seductive nuzzle on a neck is pretty nice (ha! Alliteration!). But there is something so tender about nuzzling too. Just watch a newborn lamb being nuzzled by it’s mother, and you see right there how immediate the bond is between the two of them. I know they’re animals but I think they feel love too. And to see love between anything outside myself fills me with a peace about my life and the world around me – that it will all be okay somehow, because other people (and beings) love.

Working Joe

I spent the first few weeks of January searching for a job. It was an eye-opening experience. It made me realize that at least half of the jobs I've had in my life were handed to me on silver platters, and that I've never not gotten a job I applied for.

It shocked me that I had to hand out over 20 resumes before I heard from anyone. Of course, then I heard from 5 of them. Which is apparently good odds, but still a little blow to my ego. Fortunately one of those jobs was the one on the top of my list, and that's the one I got. Yeay! Especially since I was beginning to think I was unemployable.

So now I spend my days shelving books, finding books for people, selling books to other people, ordering books for some other people, and then shelving some more books. Surrounded by books all day is very relaxing to me. The only down side so far is how dry my hands are getting from handling paper all day. I'd forgotten about that until my skin started to turn white. Ouch. But hand lotion was invented for book-sellers and now I use it excessively.

I'm happy.

It's a relief.

Now I just have to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life and I'm all set.

Moving On Into the New Year

I sit in my new apartment and look around. I live in Calgary now. It's a dramatic way to start the new year, moving from a town of less than 100 people to a big city but although I'm an actor that's not why I did it. It's surreal but I like it. The apartment, anyway. I haven't been here long enough to know if I like the city yet. The apartment is looking like home as we spread out our junk, finding hidey-holes for all of it somehow.

We. S. and I are living together now. It's something that four years ago I wouldn't have thought I'd do but I am really enjoying this now. I'm not sure what changed. Well, I did, I guess, but I'm not sure why. I just know I'm happy I made this decision and that is all I can go by.

It's going to be a vast learning experience though. I know that already. We are so different in some ways and too similar in others. I notice this keenly as we unpack. I am slow and relaxed, finding, in an almost zen fashion, where things want to live. He is all go-go-go, wanting to get it all unpacked before bedtime.
However, I am very particular with the kitchen and where things go - I've moved enough times to know the feng shui of kitchens and how dishes and food need to be oriented to the stove, fridge and sink - and so is he, but in a different way, and we have our first fight in our new place. It's short lived. We compromise. I put things that are important to him on lower shelves so he can reach them easily and the rest goes where I want it to.

My interlude is over and the unpacking must continue. I'm going to Banff tomorrow for the day so I'll get my rest and relaxation then - but now I'll go. Happy New Year, everyone!

10 Honest Things

I got this from Hope, although she didn't tag me - I just read it and decided I wanted to do it myself. I laughed my head off at her list. I don't know if mine will be funny but here goes.

1. I love clothes. All my life in my head I identified myself as a tom-boy who thought of make-up and clothes and shopping with disdain as if I was above it all. Now I know that I love being a girl, and shopping, and trying on fantastic boots and clothes (my mother will no doubt gasp in shock as my whole growing up I hated trying stuff on in the store)...I love wearing make-up and looking pretty. I would spend a lot of money on that stuff if I had money to spend...


2. Whenever I get sick, I want chips and salsa, and a Coke. Those are my comfort foods for some reason and they always make me feel better no matter what is wrong with me...headache, cold or flu. In fact, Coke is my soft-drink of choice in almost any situation, but I don't like Pepsi. At all.

3. I hate eating by myself - unless I have something to read. So, for the last year and a bit, "Bridget Jones' Diary" has been my almost-exclusive table reading material. I've read it straight through at least four times, and have skipped through it a few times besides that. I love that book. It never ceases to be amusing.

4. I enjoy almost every movie I watch. In fact, I can only think of a few off-hand that I didn't get sucked into. One was "End of Days" because I laughed when Arnold Schwarzenegger was having an emotional moment about his dead wife, and the other two were horrid Christian movies we watched at youth group. One was a Christian version of "The Fast and the Furious" and it made me want to gouge out the eyes of our youth group leaders. It was truly horrible, and we watched it instead of "Finding Nemo" because "Finding Nemo" was too controversial. WTF, people.

5. I think it's a good thing that I'm not rich because I think I'd be a materialistic person. Let me clarify: I am a materialistic person but I can't indulge because I'm too poor. My financial situation makes me aware of my weaknesses, so I can hopefully grow out of it.

6. I love seeing people in love. It makes me happy to see couples holding hands, dancing, smiling together. I'm not sure why but it warms my heart and makes me happy.

7. There is a sign at work that says, "Thank you, for staying with us. Please remember to return your keys." Every time I see it I want to fix that errant comma. It drives me mental. This is my standard response to typographical errors of all kinds. The 2008 Rosebud Theatre Season Program had so many mistakes in it that I wanted to crawl under my bed and hide while simultaneously lighting all of the copies on fire and reducing them to ashes before they were sold to the public.

8. I took the colour personality test (go to http://www.positivelymary.com/ to take it yourself). I'm a very strong Blue, with Green as my second colour. I secretly believe that I am actually Green by nature and Blue by nurture...or at least that I'm a stronger Green than the test revealed. I often find myself wanting to spew out facts when in conversation but I restrain myself. It's a little ironic because when I was growing up, my middle brother (who I suspect is Green) would share facts and 'useless details' and I'd harass him about it, only to discover years later that I am more like him than I'd ever admitted. Sorry, D1.

9. I like listening to music when I'm driving. More specifically, I like listening to Top 40 radio when I'm driving. Not only do I listen to it, I get all defensive about listening to it, because I wish I was one of those people who listened to cool Indie music and had more sophisticated tastes in music. Justin Timberlake has good driving music, okay?

10. I am a hopeless romantic but I don't read a lot of poetry because - gasp - it doesn't hold my interest. Or I don't like it. Or I don't get it. Instead I remember stuff like what Luke and Lorelei said the first time they kissed in Gilmore Girls, or what Susan Saranden said about marriage in "Shall We Dance?". That is my poetry. A part of me suspects that's sad. Another part of me doesn't care.

So there you have it. If you want to share 10 Honest Things about yourself, go for it. Leave a comment here and I'll go read them!

Mellow

I'm high on migraine medication. I resisted taking it for 12 hours. Why I do that I'm not sure but this morning when I woke up with one side of my head clamouring to secede I finally caved and now my head is a party and the rest of me is a few beat behind in the music. That's okay. I'd rather that then civil war.

I am going to wait to work on my novel until I come down though.

I had something important to write but in the time it took for this page to load it scampered away. In my current mellow state I'm cool with that. In fact it probably wasn't that important anyway.

The only thing I really am aware of right now is that I can't believe secede is spelled that way. Really? It looks wrong but spell check assures me that it isn't.

I wonder what it would be like to live my life in this head-space. I don't think it would work very well. I'd never get anything done because nothing seems that urgent to me right now. I'm very glad I don't have to work like this. I've been lucky in that I rarely have had to work in a post-migraine state - although I did do a show like this once and thought everything in the first act was extremely hilarious. Which was okay. I was supposed to be full of Christmas Spirit and though I was probably a little too relaxed it did help me sing better.

Well, with that profound thought, I'm going to go wait for this to wear off. If anyone walks by my house and hears Christmas music sung very loudly at least someone will know why.

Mennonite Wedding

Today I was awoken by the ringing phone. It was my dad, phoning to tell me that another of my girl cousins was getting married. To put this is in a bit of perspective, on my dad’s side I have – let me see, now – 33 cousins, 16 of whom are girls. (In counting I just realized to my shame I don’t know all of my cousins names. I know I haven’t seen some of them for over 10 years but that still seems a bit pathetic. Oh well. Back to the main story.) In the last year, three of my girl cousins have gotten married and it is a sport with my parents to phone me and make me guess who is getting hitched next. I haven’t guessed right once, until this morning, which is all the more impressive because I had only been awake for maybe two minutes.
My dad doesn’t much care for the future cousin-in-law’s family, and neither does his brother, but it’s my cousin’s opinion that matters and apparently she likes them enough to tie herself to them for eternity. She’s getting married in the new year and it looks like another wedding (4 for 4) that I’ve missed. I wish it wasn’t so.
“At least her mother can stop stressing about her girls not getting married now,” my dad said. We talked about the customs and commonly held beliefs of his family’s sub-culture. Holdeman Mennonites vary, or so I am told, wildly from one region to another, so perhaps my family’s pocket is not the norm. I know that I have a hard time understanding how any one can believe 25 and single means you’re reaching spinsterhood, but that is a common perception and I have at least one cousin who is getting to that tipping point.
It was so neat to hear my dad talk about the culture of his youth. I don’t think I’ve heard him talk about it much, and maybe that’s why I feel so disconnected from that side of my history. His perception is so fascinating, because he was a part of it and now he has distance from it, but he understands the culture and their way of life and how they think in a way that I never can because I’ve never lived it. He came close to being a member of the church. The night before he was to get baptized he went out drinking. When he came home he told his family he wasn’t going to church and went to sleep. He has said that it must have been a huge scandal for his parents, particularly his mother, to bear. But he’s glad he didn’t join. It’s made it easier for us as a family. He were never a part of the church so he never had to be excommunicated; our idiosyncrasies and odd behaviours are more acceptable because we don’t have that stigma.
I’m glad I wasn’t raised in that culture, even while I feel a hole from the disconnect – I’m glad I was raised with the understanding that my life could be more than a rush to a wedding and children, with some time spent teaching or nursing while I waited for the groom to appear. And I’m glad that I could spend time unsupervised or chaperoned with guys. I don’t understand how young people even get to know each other before they get engaged when they can’t even spend too much time talking to each other in a group setting without someone interfering in case things get out of hand. It doesn’t make sense.
And I’m glad I got to hear my dad talk this morning. It made some sense of one side of my history. I’ll have to talk to him more about it. It makes more sense coming from him than from my family who are immersed in it; one, because I wouldn’t know where to begin that conversation, and two, because he understands where I am too.
It was worth losing ten minutes of sleep, that’s for sure.

Moving On

I don't have much to say. I'm using my creative writing energies in my novel - I'm at 32,500 words heading towards 50,000 - and I know I haven't been here much.
I'm just enjoying life. The snow. Seeing friends. Knowing everyone I see on the street. I'm enjoying it while it lasts. Because it won't last forever, and while I'll miss it, I'm excited about the next step too!
Off to the world of my novel, now. I'll be back, I promise - November doesn't last forever either.

Scam Artists

In short: if they can't spell, they probably don't represent a legitimate business. Finally I know it is a good thing that I'm such a snob when it comes to a properly formatted/spelled letter!

Such a Novel Time

I recently learned that November is National Novel Writing Month (shortened by some to NaNoWriMo). Writers from all over the world (or nation, I guess - except I'm not sure which nation this is in) dedicate themselves to writing a 50,000 word novel in the month of November.
I signed up to do this and am 11,000 words or so into a story that has been riding in my head for eight years.
Good thing for my characters I learned about NaNoWriMo, wouldn't you say?
It isn't always easy to make myself sit down and write - sometimes I downright avoid it but so far (and it's only been a week) I've done it every day and after I'm done I always feel like I've accomplished something even if I think a lot of what I've written is crap. The good thing is as part of the quest to a finished first draft you aren't allowed to edit. Editing is for December. So even if I think my work isn't up to par I can't do anything about it right now. That's very freeing.
Well, back to work. I have a few hundred words to go today before I sleep.

Christmas Times A'comin'...

To write this post I realized I don't know how to spell a'comin'. Are there two apostraphes? I don't know. Fortunately it's a side point.
The main point is that the holiday season will be upon us, full fledged, in two short days. So short, in fact, that I spelled it shrt. I'm having a fun time with my letters today, folks.
I started my new job, working at a local inn. I spent most of the day up to my eyeballs in garland and twinkly lights and feather duvets. It was nicer than I expected because I get to work with my friends there, and hopefully I'll make a new friend in my boss. I know her husband pretty well and I've always wanted to get to know her better - perhaps now will be my chance to make good on that desire. She's such a fascinating person to me.
This year will be my first Christmas not with my family. I'm going to spend the holidays with S. and his family. I'm both excited and a little nervous because I don't know what their traditions are or how Christmas works at their house. I was a lot nervous to tell my mom, because I figured she'd have a hard time adjusting to not having that extra female in the house over Christmas dinner. Turns out I was nervous for nothing since my youngest brother told her before I had a chance to. Of course, my mom brought it up at my grad dinner instead, when she was sitting right beside S.'s mom. Oh well. No one ever accused my mom of having tact, and S. has a really easy-going family so no-one got ruffled feathers, except me (thanks, youngest brother...he must have inherited his tact from Mom).
I can understand why it isn't easy for parents to adjust to their kids being gone at Christmas. It's a change of traditions on all sides: it's not just me building new relationships with Christmas, it's them shifting a relationship they've had for 20+ years. That can't be easy but I guess it is a part of life.
I think it must be easier for kids to make those changes than for parents. After all, isn't a child's whole life geared towards leaving their parents and creating a new seperate life for themselves? From the time we leave the womb, learn to walk, get a job, go to school, fall in love? It's an exciting adventure for me. Of course, it's a return to adventure for my parents as well as they find a new phase in their life - a phase I'll probably someday have to go through myself.
All because one child left a womb a long time ago in a cold stable and had to go and change the world and all relationship as we humans knew it. I'm sure it wasn't as pretty as the tree I wrapped with ribbon or the lights I twisted around the banister - but the manger might have been as itchy as the garland needles that fell off into my shoes and worked their way into my clothes.
Oh well. It's all in the name of Christmas Spirit folks.

Now, is spirit capitalized or not?

Workshop Part II

I recant.

I love working with my voice.

I just need to get over myself and my insecurities first.

Workshop

I'm tired and stiff and have to get up insanely early tomorrow to go into Calgary for another day of workshop. I spent the day speaking Shakespeare and learning to stand properly so that my voice could get out with the least amount of myself in the way.

And I still wonder if I wouldn't rather be Shakespeare than merely an actor speaking his words.

One of the other women in the workshop mentioned how much she loves doing this kind of work. I don't know if I love it. I enjoy it. I really like learning to use my voice more efficiently, more effectively. Does that mean I'm not an actor, or am I just so frustrated with my voice that I can't love the work? What does it mean? I don't know.

I don't know if I want to know.

Done!

My last day at the Coal Mine. I'm done forever, unless some cruel twist of fate sends me back there, grovelling, for a job next summer.

I really hope that doesn't happen.

On my last day I:

• Took a group of 7th graders around the site, yelling and glaring at them once when they almost ran me over with a coal cart. They were really well behaved after that - too bad that was at the end of their tour.
• Took another group of 7th graders around the site, yelling at them when they interupted me one too many times - "I'm not done talking!". After that they were more attentive. Again, too bad it was at the end of their tour.
• Got applauded by one group of 7th graders at the end of the tour.
• Got applauded by one group of 7th graders at the beginning of the tour.
• Got upstaged by a dead baby rabbit and brushed it off by saying, "You've just experienced the circle of life".
• Forgot to remove the bunny before the second tour and got upstaged again. This time I told them all it was a stuffed animal some toddler had lost. Most of them believed me, especially after I spun a yarn of how we'd reunited a toddler with his expensive teddy bear he lost on site.
• After the tours I went and tossed the baby bunny into some long grass. Good thing I grew up on a farm.

A good way to end the summer, I think.

When You Come to a Fork in the Road...

I'm not sure what I want.

I spend a lot of time not knowing what I want and not knowing where I want my life to go. At least I spend a lot of time thinking about what I want and I don't have many concrete answers.

Does anyone have something that they know they are willing to sacrifice for? Am I searching for something that doesn't exist or am I just going through a phase incited by poverty of body, mind and soul?

There are a few things I know I will do anything to keep...but that doesn't tell me where to go from here or which of the paths in front of me I need to take now.

Is this real life? Is this what it's going to be forever - not knowing which path to take next?

If so, it's going to be one hell of a frustrating ride.

That makes it sound all bad when it definitely isn't. Life is a great thing. I'm just not as settled into it as I thought I would be by now. Maybe it's me - I don't think I've ever been settled into life. It feels like I dip into it from time to time and spend the majority of life skimming along the top watching those on the inside. I don't know how to get in and I don't know if that's what I want anyway, but I also don't know what to do with my skimming. What is the purpose of being this way?

That's what frustrates me and if I don't find an answer I may well just go crazy.

Discontent

I am discontent.

I don't like my job. That's what I wish was different about my life. It's amazing how one thing, only one thing, can have such an effect on me. Then again, maybe it's not. I do spend 10 hours a day either preparing for work, at work, or on my way home from work - and then I structure the rest of my life (e.g., when I must go to bed so that I can be alert for when I must wake up) around work. So not liking my job is not a good thing.

I liked it most of the summer. It's just been in the last week that I've lost my interest in it.

It isn't even the job I don't like anymore. I don't mind taking people around on tours and doing odd chores around the place. It's that I feel like my bosses (there are two women in charge and I'm not sure which of them is ultimate boss - problem number one) have unrealistic expectations of what I can get done in a day.

They leave me a list of chores to do - which is fine. I can do chore lists. But I work half of my days on my own. I have to take every person on a tour if they want it - which means I could take six tours a day, of two people each. That means I can't get all the chores done. Then I get asked why I couldn't get all the chores done because "we only had 12 people" that day.

S. is running into the same problem. Yesterday, he decided to try to get chores done so he told people they could guide themselves (a viable option, not him being rude), and he got a lecture on how 'we must take everyone on a tour, they must get what they paid for' and not only that, we have to be 'up' the whole time.

So now I have to be cheerful while I do the impossible.

I can't wait for this job to be over. Only 14 work days left...

Whenever I have a job or process that I just want to get through, I tell myself that I can do anything for 14 days/one month/six weeks. It usually helps, but this time I'm not sure it's true. If nothing else I know now that I'd better not spend my whole life working at jobs that don't feed my soul unless I want to be an embittered old lady one day, sucking the joy and life out of those around me like a horrible vampire.

I can't spend my life feeling like this.

Chameleon

The van pulls up, nondescript except for a lack of windows – a Hudderite van, we call them around here, because the Hudderites use them so much. A bunch of people pile out, not Hudderites, and before I know it the day that promised to be slow has a group of 23 people. They have a lot of children – two families of 7 each to start – and they aren’t European. That leaves only one option.

“Are you home schoolers?” I ask.

The leader, a short man with glasses and an earnest expression, answers in the affirmative.

“I was home schooled,” I say. Just friendly small talk with the tourists. I do it all the time.

All the adults make pleased murmuring noises and then the leader launches into what they’ve done so far on their trip. I’m not surprised. Home schoolers, I’ve noticed, are the champions of unloading too much information on strangers. I listen politely. They’ve gone to the Hoodoos, as well as a visit to a Creationism museum…uh oh. These people are those kind of home schoolers.

“Are you a Christian?” the leader asks abruptly.

“Yes,” I answer. I know where this is heading and I’m regretting ever letting him know I was home schooled but it’s too late now.

“What do you think of the Tyrell and all of that here?”

The silence in my ears is eternal while I consider the options. You see, I personally have no problem believing the world was both created by God and is billions of years old. I think the Tyrell is an interesting museum and I actually don’t care enough about this aspect of science to involve my theology in it. Unlike the vibes I’m getting from Earnest in front of me. I don’t want to argue. I don’t care enough.

“Well, I’m an artist so I kind of approach it from that perspective and the displays are very beautiful,” I finally answer. I feel guilty and lame for copping out but it was the right tack; Earnest doesn’t really care what I say as long as it doesn’t contradict his notion of what and who I am. He goes off about the errors of carbon dating and the living dinosaurs in the rain forest today. I’ve read just enough about his viewpoint to smile and nod and throw in the occasional intelligent yet ambiguous statement.

The chameleon hiding her true colours yet again.

After the tour one of the older men in the group questioned me about my home town and the theatre there (I’d let slip where I was from). I got the distinct sense he was judging me and my life path. I guess the answers I gave were acceptable (or really wrong) because after all that he invited me to their church in Lacombe “if you’re ever up that way”.

I’m not going to lie. I feel like I’m struggling with faith right now, with knowing if what I believe is true, is good enough, is even worth believing. On top of that I want God to be a father in the sky giving me what I want and it’s not happening, so I’m frustrated. All that to say I read his pamphlet before tucking off to the side. I can see it as I write – “Your Personal Invitation: Preaching the Old Book, the New Birth, the Precious Blood, and the Blessed Hope”. Truthfully, when I read “Precious Blood” I snorted and got jolted out of the maudlin and back into my normal, more mocking headspace. It was worth reading it just for that.

This whole experience did make me think about the big things: my life, religion, the world, my family. My mom chose to home school me and my brothers for a few reasons – the system wasn’t meeting my needs, and she didn’t like the effect the peer influence was having on me. At some point, I don’t think it was from the beginning, she became “one of those home schoolers” which is why I knew enough about Earnest’s beliefs to meld into his world view without shaking it apart, and why I really wanted to shake it apart in the first place. I feel I can mock it. I’ve been there even if I didn’t stay there for long.

And yet I didn’t challenge his worldview. Why? Am I like my cousin, who apparently takes on the colours, beliefs, and attitudes of whatever group of friends she’s hanging out with? Am I weak and cowardly? Or did I just do the professional thing?

I don’t know the answer. I know I want it to be the last option. I know I’m not certain it is.

I guess a chameleon doesn’t get to choose the colours it wears.

And I think I’m getting tired of being a chameleon.

Cars

There’s frost on the ground outside. A thin layer of it covers my car from hood to trunk.

Apparently that means my car wants to stay put, where it is, in cold hibernation.

I have the best auto luck in the world.

****

That won’t make sense to some of you, since you aren’t all in on the harrowing tale that was my return trip from my brother’s wedding. Let me fill you in.

Several months ago, I decided that due to the rising cost of gasoline I needed a smaller car. So I talked it over with my dad and he found one for me. A 95 Grand Am that needed a bit of work but nothing he couldn’t manage. I was very pleased, and we planned that I would bring the Crown Vic up for the wedding, leave it behind and take the Grand Am home again.

All went well. I got a deal on the car. The wedding was beautiful. I saw family I haven’t seen for a while. On Monday, S. and I headed back home in the new, smaller car.

The engine light kept coming on but Dad said, “It’s a Pontiac. That happens.”

Finally, just about an hour south of Edmonton, the light came on and the temperature gauge started to rise. So I pulled over and turned off the car, thinking it must be the oil (see how much I knew about cars? Not much. How things have changed.). I heard a hissing noise that S. thought might be the can of pop we’d just opened – but when I opened my car door and looked underneath, I saw all of my antifreeze spraying out the bottom of my engine.

After a hefty tow bill, I got to meet some of Scott’s family (this happened in the evening so we had to stay in Edmonton overnight. Our boss was so pleased.). The next morning, Canadian Tire told me that my heater core had gone and needed to be replaced. It could be done by the afternoon. We’d only miss one day of work. It would cost me $700.00. So I bit my lip and told them to fix the car.

That was at 8:30 Tuesday morning. At 4:00, S. and I were about to blow our brains out from sheer boredom in the Canadian Tire waiting room when we were told my car was ready! They were just bleeding the air out of the cooling system and taking it for a short run to make sure it was okay! Yeay!

We cheered when we saw the car drive around the front, a cheer that quickly turned into a stunned silence when it drove straight back into the shop. “That can’t be good,” S. said. And it wasn’t. They were having a hard time getting the air out – the car was vapour locked – no, the thermostat was defective and needed to be replaced – the car wouldn’t be ready today. So at 8:30pm Scott’s uncle came and got us and we spent another night away from home. Another day’s missed work.

The next morning at 11:00, Canadian Tire phoned me and told me several things. Firstly, the car was still not fixed. Secondly, they had driven it twice until it stalled from overheating and then couldn’t be restarted, so “it couldn’t be driven.”. Thirdly, they thought the heads were blown.

One of my dad’s friends brought the Crown Vic to me and towed the Grand Am back to my dad. Finally, Wednesday evening, we were on our way back home.

My dad took a look at the Grand Am. The whole problem? A hose that is supposed to be used to bleed air from the system was clogged. The engine was vapour locked. And since they overheated it twice, the heads are gone – now. They were fine when I brought them the car, but thanks to their inept 'mechanics' I now have a very pretty lawn ornament.

A very expensive lawn ornament, at that. I spent $2000.00 on a car that I drove for 6 hours, and I am back where I started with the Land Yacht – or Old Faithful as I have re-dubbed her.

Although she won’t start today, when it’s only maybe -2 C, so maybe I’ll have to rename her again.

Any suggestions?

Judgement

Am I becoming a judgemental bigot, or are people really just that easy to classify? I fear it’s the former, especially since my judgements are usually negative.

Take this encounter as an example. A family walks in – a woman, two older teenage boys and a young girl. They leave the door open as they enter, even though it’s a really buggy day. They are already bickering. I can’t stop the thought from flicking across my mind – “Born in a barn” – and they do nothing to contradict me.
The woman, who turns out to be their aunt, is quick to inform the boys that they are paying their own admission. As she pays for herself I notice her hair. At first glance it appears normal, long and pulled into a ponytail - but then I realize it’s actually cut quite short, just slicked back in the front, with two long strands just at her temples. These comprise the ponytail that ends between her shoulder blades like a truly terrible rat’s tail. My fellow guide and I share a horrified giggle as Rat Tail turns away.
Her nephews are dressed in trendy clothing that instead of making them cool makes them look like they’re trying too hard. One of them seems nice, like a sensitive boy in an ill fitting mould. He pays for his little sister. His brother is probably bullied in school, or a bully himself. After they decide not to take the tour and wander about for about 40 minutes, he’s the one they send running back to try to get on the train. Of course it’s too late. He complains about having to run here and back, loudly. Instead of feeling pity I only feel disgust.
This family is relegated in my mind to trailer trash, within 5 seconds of walking in the door.

There are many different categories. There are the families with impeccably groomed wives, the children treated like pets and not allowed to get dirty; the parents who pretend that they’re in charge to what, impress us? who then cave to their whiny children within minutes; the oil-rich, arrogant with a sense of entitlement, the assholes incarnate and the assholes in training; foreigners, half of whom are so happy to be here and the other half who resent parting with their Canadian cash.

I guess in tourism you see them all – happy and miserable, well-groomed and those who don’t know what soap is, rich and poor. Hopefully in seeing them all I can choose which ones I want to be like and keep myself from ending up as one of the ignorant majority.

Moments of Coal Mine Life

A lady got all upset with us today because she didn't understand that she couldn't go into the tipple without a guide, and accused us of not telling her everything she needed to know because she was a foreign visitor. She wouldn't even let me fix the problem. Fortunately there are other, nicer people who make me not want to quit this job and run away screaming, such as the moments related below.

****

A little girl, to me as she walked out of the tipple: You're a good girl.

****

A little girl, to S. on his tour: Can I walk you to the train?

S: Uh, okay.

Little girl: Friends hold hands. No one wants to be alone.

*****

See? Little girls make up for bitchy women, every time.

More Storms

I've had more tornado dreams, which again turned into dreams of running and hiding. It's bothering me, more than a little bit.

Today I met a pastor named Storm. He officiated the wedding of a friend of mine who got married today. I hope it's a better omen for her than the dreams have felt for me.

Dreams

I've dreamt of tornados three times in the last seven days.

I don't know what it means, but every time I'm torn between wanting to watch the storm and wanting to hide in a safe, dark place.

And every time the dream turns into a flight from someone who is trying to kill me or trap me, somewhere around my house.

I don't understand and I don't know what they mean.

But when I'm supposed to I guess I will.

Busy Work

Yesterday over 400 people came through work, looking for tours.

It's the long weekend.

I'm glad we're busy. It means I don't have to find things to do to look busy and the day goes by really quickly.

And the long weekend won't last forever anyway.

I Need To Write More

Not just here, but in general.

I woke up today with a migraine and a really sore neck. No special reason, just that time of the month. I love/hate that my migraines have only two triggers - stress and hormones. At least they're more predictable that way.

I rearranged my room a bit today too. That was fun, and now my room is clean for the first time in a long time. It relaxed me and now I have space to write on my desk. I'm like my mom that way - a flat surface is like a paper magnet. I seem to have little control over it - it just happens.

And I read today too, while eating cherries and drinking Coke. An odd mix, you may think, but when I have a migraine I am drawn to Coke like an addict, and it helps. It's probably psychosomatic, but it helps. I just discovered S M Stirling, and I'm enjoying my library card immensly.

My brother is getting married in 24 days. It isn't real yet, and won't be until I see it happen, but these things never are. How strange! My younger brother tying the knot. Well, now perhaps I'll get nieces and nephews to spoil rotten!

I suppose I should go back home and write something else - work on the play I'm writing, or the book(s) - and eat some more substantial fare. Cherries are great but they don't keep you going for long.