Searching for the Prufrockian Dream

Life is not the settled thing I thought it would be when I was 16. Is this just part of being an adult? Where are the answers I thought I'd get? I want to search until I find them...even though I have a sneaking suspicion they don't exist.

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Name: Pru
Location: Calgary, Alberta, Canada

I still have a passion for the stage, which thrills me because I thought it had been killed in theatre school. I definitly don't want to spend the rest of my life in retail, that's for sure...

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Cold

I hate having to check my email in the store.

There's people around all the time and I can't be sure that no-one is reading over my shoulder.

That's one of the things I really miss about being home. That and having a house all to ourselves, with only our dirty dishes on the counter.

And the heat.

It's so cold here, even though it's a sunny day. I've been told July gets warmer. It had better be true.

But life is good. Even if I'm cold. And the job is good as well. So I'll stop complaining now.

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Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Life

My life is going pretty well. I'm enjoying myself and don't have anything to complain about.

The lives of some of the people who are important to me aren't as free from care.

It's confusing. I don't know what to think or feel. I'm trying to just feel what's there and not think about it too much right now.

Other than that I don't have much to say except that I'm really, really glad S. is there for me.

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Sunday, May 24, 2009

Northern Life So Far

The week we left for Barkerville my car died. I drove it to Rosebud so that it would be looked after, cared for, started once in a while – so that it would still run when I got back from BC – and on the way there the water pump decided it was no more for this world and the engine overheated and I perhaps cooked my engine. I still don’t know. I left it in the hands of a friend and we’ll see in five months whether I have a car or am in the market.

I do appreciate the bitter irony of the car situation.

The actual trip to BC was made without incident. We drove through the mountains with snow and rain and sun each taking their turn. We didn’t see any animals much to my disappointment. I did see birds – a Great Blue Heron, a few hawks and some ducks of various breeds – but no animals that run on all fours. Unless you count squirrels, in which case I saw one.

The hotel we stayed in was small and much, much dirtier than the images on their website led me to believe. I walked in and said, “I have a reservation.” The woman at the desk said, “You have a reservation? Here?” She sounded so surprised. I knew right then that things were going to be a bit squibby. When she looked down at her papers and called me by name, it clinched it. Obviously the place is not a well-used hotel, as the three vehicles in the parking lot implied. (One of them was ours.) We watched some television and went to bed.

The rest of the trip was also without incident. We ate breakfast in a place that had no fruit on the menu which normally I wouldn’t have noticed but I really wanted French toast with fruit that morning (damn); we commented on the remote farmhouses and ranches and wondered who in their right mind wanted to live out there all year round? Or at all? We kept a sharp eye out for the turn Google Maps had told us about – but when we got to Prince George we realized that the road didn’t exist. (I have since learned that Google Maps was directing us to a road built in the 1860’s which is no longer in use if it even still exists.) In Prince George the highway was being used as a parking lot and we had to drive carefully to avoid hitting mirrors. I have no idea what was going on but apparently it was a big deal, as everyone in town was there. With their dog and their dog’s car.

We explored Quesnel briefly and then went to Wells. The road was long and curvy but we made it there in one piece and found the house we are staying in – the yellow house next to the even yellower community centre. It was indeed easy to spot, as we had been told it would be. We met our roommate, Tim, who is a nice guy and reminded both S. and I of someone we know. It took us almost the entire evening to figure out who – the art teacher from our Certificate year! I don’t think he sleeps much, as we’re always in bed before him and he’s always up before us. When we wake up at night he’s either not home or he’s up eating or drinking coffee. I don’t understand it but that’s just because I like to sleep 10 hours or more a night.

The snow here. Wow. The snow! When we got here it was piled up against buildings, laying in thick white blankets on the baseball diamond – six to ten feet near the house and probably four out in the open. I wish I’d taken pictures as now, after a week or so of sun and (mostly) rain it has shrunk considerably. (Near some buildings it was piled up to the eaves!) It was cold our first few days of work.

We got costumes after a few days, which actually made it warmer. A corset holds in a considerable amount of heat and the dresses hide all the civvies I care to wear underneath them. On the coldest day I was wearing two pairs of socks, long johns, jeans, two shirts, a corset (as well as the necessary modern underwear), a heavy petticoat, my green dress, a scarf, gloves, a wig (to keep my ears warm), a hat, rubber boots and a thick woollen cape.

It was warmer today so I wore my blue dress. I like it quite a bit. It has a lace collar and cuffs and a lacy bustle as well. Those women in the 1870’s sure liked their bustles. Not to sound vain, but I look good in period costumes. A part of me wants to wear those kinds of clothes all the time, except for how sore my back and shoulders get. They’re heavy and really, I couldn’t wear a corset all the time. I like being able to tie my shoes and lean back on chairs and snuggle up on a sofa with a book, all rendered impossible with a properly fitted corset.

However, I was not the only person who thought I looked fine, much to my dismay. Today I collected a follower of the male persuasion, much to the amusement of all my co-workers. I can’t remember his name but apparently he latches on to a different pretty girl each summer and I’m the unhappy target this year. The fact that I have a boyfriend isn’t likely to deter him – one year his object of affection was clearly and obviously married. My boss has had to talk to him before about bothering actors who are working, so if I can’t shake him on my own at least someone will deal with him for me. Actually, my boss gave me and S. permission to kiss – full on French – in front of this guy; this while we are portraying an era where men and women didn’t even touch in public.

Hopefully I won’t need to resort to that.

I’ll try to keep this blog up to date through-out the summer. It’s a bit hard – I have to bring my laptop to the local general store to access the internet and after work it’s the last thing I feel like doing. However, like I said, I’ll do my best.

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Tuesday, May 19, 2009

I'm Not Dead

But I do have limited internet access.  I'll be back, I promise - I have blog posts written and waiting for me to get my computer to an internet port.  Soon, soon!

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Monday, May 04, 2009

Awesomeness

Migraine medication would be awesome if it worked.

Frick.

I have a super-power - the invincible migraine! My last prescription migraine pill, Advil by the (over)dose, Aspirin (even though I'm not supposed to take it), Robaxacet, to relax my tense muscles...all it does is make me sleep really well and wake up to -

a migraine.

Oh well. It'll go away eventually.

I hope.

(Just for the record, I didn't take all those drugs at once. That's, like, two days worth of headache fighting.)

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Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Observations

The other day a little girl was looking at books in the front of the store.  She turned to tell her mom something and her mom wasn't there.  She was looking around but she couldn't see her mom anywhere so I asked her what her mom looked like.

"She has Lulu lemon pants," she said.

That's it.  What kind of little girl doesn't tell you what her mom's hair colour is, or what colour she's wearing?  Brand names?  Really?  But that's what she said.

She ended up finding her mom right away after that, thank goodness.  Her mom wasn't a very nice woman.  She didn't pay any attention to her little girl calling out, "Mommy!  Mommy!" at the front of the store and it's not like she couldn't hear her.

I will grant the little girl was a whiny thing, who when they got to the till asked over and over and over, "Mommy can I have a book?  Mommy can I have a book?" without even enough time for her mother to answer.  Very annoying.  When I hear a child do that I immediately assume they are spoiled and used to getting what they want.  Otherwise why would they keep asking?  But instead of giving her the standard distracted "No" answer, her mother replied with, "No.  I know, I'm a terrible mother, not buying you anything.  Not giving you what you want," complete with a knowing look to whoever was helping her at the till.  (I hate that.  It creates violent urges in me.)

Then the little girl switched tactics.  Not getting a book?  Fine.  Bookmarks are smaller, more attainable perhaps.  Her mom denied her again with the same phrases...but then she asked if we had Twilight bookmarks.  The little girl got so excited - but then the mother just bought one for herself.  She was going out of her way to buy the things the little girl wanted for herself.  There was a malicious tone to everything she did, directed towards her child.  I didn't like her one bit.  She was a mean woman who took out her meanness on her little girl because her child was small and powerless.  Those are the kind of people I want to punch in the face until they bleed.  Copiously.

And then give her little girl to someone who gives a damn and will raise her to be a healthy, functional adult.  Because this woman certainly won't.

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Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Family Visit

I had a good weekend. Three days off in a row is always nice, nicer still when I get to see people I love. My mom came down for a few days. We had good conversations and went shopping together - we even took in a theatre show.

It was so nice to see her again. I went from living at my parents to seeing them every four months to now, where I see them every...eight months? Every year? It can be a long time in between visits now that my schedule is no longer ruled by the school semester but by work and all too infrequent holidays. If we lived closer geographically it would be different but alas, this is how life goes sometimes.

I think of my mom, moving away from her family and going years without seeing them. I don't think I could go years. Of course my family will come see me sometimes too so the onus isn't all on me to do the travelling like it was on her. That helps a lot.

The next time I see my family might be this summer. I'm going to Barkerville BC to work for five months. It's a place my family likes to visit so they'll kill two birds with one stone and I'll get to see them again. Except for my youngest brother, who is now beginning to experience the constraint of a working schedule too.

But there's always Christmas. I hope.

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