Wednesday, June 22, 2011

The Darkness

I've been watching a lot of Dexter recently. He talks about the Darkness he has living inside him, that darkness he has to feed else it take over his life.

I can't relate. Not entirely.

Lately I've been struggling. Isn't that how all my posts go? Struggle should be a tag for my posts. Oh wait, it already is.

Last summer I was depressed. It felt like the world was one big dark hole and I was being sucked into it against my will and there was nothing I could do to stop the world around me from falling apart.

If we hadn't gotten Z. I don't know what would have happened. Z. made me get up in the morning. I had to do things because she needed me to.

I feel that dark vacuum sneaking up on me again and I'm panicking a bit. I think I'm aware enough to stop it - to reach out and socialize and keep myself from falling apart - but what if I'm deluding myself? What if there's nothing I can do to keep it from grabbing me again?

I can't stomach another summer like that.

S. and I can't survive another summer like that.

So I'm writing about it. It seems like a slightly futile effort but it's all I have right now.

I'm currently fighting the pull of the black hole, and today I'm winning.

Yesterday I lost. But today I'm winning.

Perhaps that all I can do, go one day at a time and hope that I win more often than I lose.

Friday, June 03, 2011


Not much to say.

I've been in a strange head space since Wednesday. Not a bad one. Just a different one, and unexpected.

Z. is growling at a pit bull outside. The fur along her spine is all standing on end. It looks hilarious but I probably shouldn't be encouraging this.

We had hail today. My flowers survived. Huzzah for the balcony.

They cut down the trees in the neighbours' back yard. I am unhappy about this. The trunks lie bucked up in the alley, useless to everyone unless they let them dry out to be used for firewood. Another neighbour has a wood burning stove. Perhaps the loss won't be a complete one.

And other than that I have not much to say.

Wednesday, June 01, 2011

Smiling at Strangers

I've been in rehearsals because - tada! - I'm in a show coming up! Which is great. Which also means I've been taking the bus to the rehearsal hall because S. is working at Heritage Park again and he is using the car. Why am I not also at a typical job? That's another blog post.

This blog post is about smiling. Or strangers. Or random encounters with strangers. I'm not sure yet.

I was waiting for the bus and a man walked down the sidewalk with a huge smile on his face. That isn't necessarily strange, although it isn't often that you see someone smiling that broadly in public. Which is really sad when you think about it. But what made it odd was that he was actively seeking out eye contact with the people he met. And he was well dressed - not a homeless bum whom you could assume was hopped up on something, but a business man or some sort of professional. And most people looked away! And his smile didn't dim! I smiled back. I almost didn't. But then I did and it made me feel better.

So then I began to actively people watch. I don't think I was smiling but I was actively alert, watching, interested in the world around me. I usually car watch while I wait for the bus - you know, check out the various vehicles and wonder what it's like to drive that Jag or Beamer or Benz or beat up Oldsmobile. Now I switched my attention to the drivers. Most of whom were wearing sunglasses and either frowning or chatting on cell phones and frowning. People in the city are grumpy looking drivers. Or perhaps that's the 'I'm occupied' expression of humanity. I don't know. I continued once I got on the bus, looking down at the drivers around me.

I made eye contact with a woman who was driving a shiny grey-green car, don't remember what kind. She smiled at me, a real genuine smile! A smile that said, I see you people watching! I do that too! And I smiled back. Later I saw her join the cell phone chatting masses but for a moment she was a real person, with a real smile, someone I wouldn't trip if zombies were chasing me.

The next day I was waiting for the bus again. On my way down the street a somewhat disheveled gent asked me for a light. I don't smoke, so I don't carry a lighter. Which is what I said as I continued to walk. He kept going also. He ended up at the same bus stop. Asked me again for a light. Once again I said no. He asked someone else and then settled down at the bus stop and looked me up and down and asked if he could help me out. I never know what to do when random disheveled strangers start talking to me. I said I didn't need any help (as I said it I smiled to myself - you never know what kind of help you need until someone offers help flashed through my head) and then he asked me if I wanted to buy a bus transfer. I said I had a ticket, and as my mouth moved my heart sank as I realized I had left my book of tickets at home. And the bus was too close for me to run home, grab them, and get back in time. He offered them for a dollar. For fifty cents. I didn't have any money on me so I had to decline, even though I needed one. And then he got grumpy, asking me what kind of world was this where nobody had a light or carried any money.

I got a bit alarmed at this point. Not going to lie. I said, Sorry, I don't smoke and I don't carry cash, now will you please leave me alone.

He gave me a transfer anyway and then walked off and promptly vanished. I don't mean I saw him dematerialize, but I have no idea where he went so quickly.

I was very grateful for the transfer even though I felt like I was defrauding the system. And I mentally apologized multiple times for panicking and being rude.

I found the bus tickets in my backpack once I arrived at the rehearsal hall. I had them all along but didn't know it.

I hope he found his light.