Christmas Times A'comin'...

To write this post I realized I don't know how to spell a'comin'. Are there two apostraphes? I don't know. Fortunately it's a side point.
The main point is that the holiday season will be upon us, full fledged, in two short days. So short, in fact, that I spelled it shrt. I'm having a fun time with my letters today, folks.
I started my new job, working at a local inn. I spent most of the day up to my eyeballs in garland and twinkly lights and feather duvets. It was nicer than I expected because I get to work with my friends there, and hopefully I'll make a new friend in my boss. I know her husband pretty well and I've always wanted to get to know her better - perhaps now will be my chance to make good on that desire. She's such a fascinating person to me.
This year will be my first Christmas not with my family. I'm going to spend the holidays with S. and his family. I'm both excited and a little nervous because I don't know what their traditions are or how Christmas works at their house. I was a lot nervous to tell my mom, because I figured she'd have a hard time adjusting to not having that extra female in the house over Christmas dinner. Turns out I was nervous for nothing since my youngest brother told her before I had a chance to. Of course, my mom brought it up at my grad dinner instead, when she was sitting right beside S.'s mom. Oh well. No one ever accused my mom of having tact, and S. has a really easy-going family so no-one got ruffled feathers, except me (thanks, youngest brother...he must have inherited his tact from Mom).
I can understand why it isn't easy for parents to adjust to their kids being gone at Christmas. It's a change of traditions on all sides: it's not just me building new relationships with Christmas, it's them shifting a relationship they've had for 20+ years. That can't be easy but I guess it is a part of life.
I think it must be easier for kids to make those changes than for parents. After all, isn't a child's whole life geared towards leaving their parents and creating a new seperate life for themselves? From the time we leave the womb, learn to walk, get a job, go to school, fall in love? It's an exciting adventure for me. Of course, it's a return to adventure for my parents as well as they find a new phase in their life - a phase I'll probably someday have to go through myself.
All because one child left a womb a long time ago in a cold stable and had to go and change the world and all relationship as we humans knew it. I'm sure it wasn't as pretty as the tree I wrapped with ribbon or the lights I twisted around the banister - but the manger might have been as itchy as the garland needles that fell off into my shoes and worked their way into my clothes.
Oh well. It's all in the name of Christmas Spirit folks.

Now, is spirit capitalized or not?

Workshop Part II

I recant.

I love working with my voice.

I just need to get over myself and my insecurities first.

Workshop

I'm tired and stiff and have to get up insanely early tomorrow to go into Calgary for another day of workshop. I spent the day speaking Shakespeare and learning to stand properly so that my voice could get out with the least amount of myself in the way.

And I still wonder if I wouldn't rather be Shakespeare than merely an actor speaking his words.

One of the other women in the workshop mentioned how much she loves doing this kind of work. I don't know if I love it. I enjoy it. I really like learning to use my voice more efficiently, more effectively. Does that mean I'm not an actor, or am I just so frustrated with my voice that I can't love the work? What does it mean? I don't know.

I don't know if I want to know.

Done!

My last day at the Coal Mine. I'm done forever, unless some cruel twist of fate sends me back there, grovelling, for a job next summer.

I really hope that doesn't happen.

On my last day I:

• Took a group of 7th graders around the site, yelling and glaring at them once when they almost ran me over with a coal cart. They were really well behaved after that - too bad that was at the end of their tour.
• Took another group of 7th graders around the site, yelling at them when they interupted me one too many times - "I'm not done talking!". After that they were more attentive. Again, too bad it was at the end of their tour.
• Got applauded by one group of 7th graders at the end of the tour.
• Got applauded by one group of 7th graders at the beginning of the tour.
• Got upstaged by a dead baby rabbit and brushed it off by saying, "You've just experienced the circle of life".
• Forgot to remove the bunny before the second tour and got upstaged again. This time I told them all it was a stuffed animal some toddler had lost. Most of them believed me, especially after I spun a yarn of how we'd reunited a toddler with his expensive teddy bear he lost on site.
• After the tours I went and tossed the baby bunny into some long grass. Good thing I grew up on a farm.

A good way to end the summer, I think.

When You Come to a Fork in the Road...

I'm not sure what I want.

I spend a lot of time not knowing what I want and not knowing where I want my life to go. At least I spend a lot of time thinking about what I want and I don't have many concrete answers.

Does anyone have something that they know they are willing to sacrifice for? Am I searching for something that doesn't exist or am I just going through a phase incited by poverty of body, mind and soul?

There are a few things I know I will do anything to keep...but that doesn't tell me where to go from here or which of the paths in front of me I need to take now.

Is this real life? Is this what it's going to be forever - not knowing which path to take next?

If so, it's going to be one hell of a frustrating ride.

That makes it sound all bad when it definitely isn't. Life is a great thing. I'm just not as settled into it as I thought I would be by now. Maybe it's me - I don't think I've ever been settled into life. It feels like I dip into it from time to time and spend the majority of life skimming along the top watching those on the inside. I don't know how to get in and I don't know if that's what I want anyway, but I also don't know what to do with my skimming. What is the purpose of being this way?

That's what frustrates me and if I don't find an answer I may well just go crazy.