My New Year's Resolution

Spoiler Alert

I just read a book called "The Pact". I found it to be a very upsetting book and I'm not sure why. I mean, there is a lot to be upset about. The girl, Emily, is molested when she's nine, that taints her experience of her sexuality when she's older because she never told anyone and she never dealt with it...and she is pushed into a life she didn't choose, pushed like many children are pushed by their parents’ blind unspoken assumptions – and this life includes a romantic relationship with a boy, Chris, who loves her to death (literally) but whom she sees more as a brother. But because she can’t be honest with him or anyone else, she enters into a sexual relationship with him and she gets pregnant. Her whole life is built on these lies so she doesn’t tell anyone this big thing either and decides the only way to solve these problems is to kill herself, and because Chris is young and stupid and in love, he helps her, which is where the title comes from – the appearance of a suicide pact.

None of that was necessary. The whole story could have been avoided if she had told the truth. I know that if that was the case, the book wouldn’t have been written. I know that drama is made of these sorts of situations. But a part of my soul still cries out that she could have told the truth and avoided so much pain for so many people. She could have told someone what happened when she was nine, and gotten therapy. Or she could have been honest with Chris and told him she didn’t love him that way. Or she could have told him she really wasn’t comfortable with having sex. Or, she could have been honest and told people, especially him, that she was pregnant. And then she could have been honest and said she didn’t want to marry him. Dammit! But because she let her fear rule her, she lied and lied and lied and then, to escape the lies, she killed herself and put two families through a lot of shit that quite honestly was more difficult to deal with than the truth would have been.

Maybe it upsets me so much because I know that I’ve lied to people I love because I’m afraid that I’ll lose them or scare them away or that they’ll be angry with me. Perhaps I find it so upsetting because I don’t know where I learned that. I spent the vast majority of my life believing that I was an honest person and that my family was an honest family with no unspoken secrets and no unspoken lies, but if that is all true then why did I decide that if I soften the truth, my life isn’t as scary? Somewhere I learned to lie to keep myself safe, and I don’t really know why.

I hate that about myself.

I hate that I soften the truth as a natural way of dealing with people. I can count on one hand the people I don’t think I’ve ever lied to in any way…r., T., and J. I think that’s it. Three people in the whole world that I have never softened the truth for. Three people that I believe will see through my façade, three people that will be honest with me, even brutally so, three people that I trust will stay anyway, so I’ve never even bothered trying to lie to them.

But everyone else in my life? I’ve altered the truth to everyone else at least once. And I hate it.

Thank God I can see that I want to change, and that I am getting better – even if it seems to be taking place on a geological timeline. It is so hard to learn to trust people, especially the ones that I think I should trust already. Especially the ones I think I should trust already.

It is so much easier to focus on the fact that I ‘should’ be trusting this person or I ‘shouldn’t’ have a problem being honest with that person than to focus on the simple truth, which is that I don’t trust, and deal with that.

T. laughed once when I went to him in tears about living with M. He said he thought it was kind of funny that a girl with trust issues and a boy who hates being betrayed would end up dating each other. At the time I just laughed, albeit shakily. I didn’t see the extent of my trust issues then. I have the sinking feeling that I am only touching on the tip of them now.

But I guess there is a silver lining. My life isn’t built out of lies. I am trying to be honest with the people I love (don’t ask about the ones I don’t. One thing at a time, people, one thing at a time). I have cleared the air the last three times I hedged around the truth, even though it was very, very difficult to do, and I found out it isn’t such a horrible thing – it’s actually quite a relief. It’s been almost a year since I consciously decided to stop making excuses to shield myself from my own bad choices, which for me was a huge way that I was dishonest with people. And I don’t have a suicide pact with S.

I guess if I was going to make a huge discovery about a ‘bad habit’, now is the time to do it, huh? Just in time for New Years, the time we make pacts with ourselves.

So here I go.

This year, I vow to tell the truth, however scary that might be.

And, hey...at least I know I can live by this promise.

10 Things I Love About S

Okay, so that is a little misleading. This isn't actually all about S., the person. It is a list of 10 things that I love that begin with the letter S. Antony at www.tothequiet.blogspot.com started this one - well, I guess he didn't start it exactly, but since he's the one who gave me a letter I'll give him the credit.

(I think the letter S is a most appropriate one for me.)

1. S. Of course. Although it scares me sometimes.

2. Snuggling. There is something so comforting and relaxing about being all cuddled up to someone (and by someone I mean S.), all warm and cozy. I love being held, and I count myself lucky that S. likes to snuggle while we watch t.v. or talk or listen to music, or just hang out.

3. My senses. Being able to see colours and shapes, like the ones that filled the art show that the first year students put on before school ended for the year or the ones that God fills the sky with every morning and evening. Smelling food or the first wild rose of the year, so sweet and delicate, and the smell of S. when I hug him. The taste of autumn air, filled with fallen leaves, and the taste of homemade iced tea, which brings me instantly to my grandparent's house. Hearing the spaces in between the notes of music, or a finely tuned choir singing in polyphonic majesty, or birds chattering while my friends walk down a sidewalk with trees whispering above. The feel of snow melting in my hands, of chocolate on my tongue, of lips on my neck... the senses are pretty fantastic.

4. Snow. Call me crazy, but I really enjoy snow. It was cold in my little village for quite a while before it snowed, and I complained with the best of them about the weather - but as soon as the ground was white, the temperature ceased to bother me. If there is snow, then I like the feeling of my nostrils freezing shut as I breathe, my eyelashes turning white with Canadian Mascara as my breath condenses to them, my glasses fogging up until I can't see a thing but frost. Snow crunching and squeaking underfoot, snow covering every mar in the landscape, snow that reveals the midnight dances of mice and small birds - I think it is beautiful.

5. Stories. I hold story in such high regard. My whole life is a story, and I mean that in a good way, not a 'I'm living a lie' sort of way. I really resent that the word story was ever used to describe lying, because stories are such a key way for us to communicate truth to each other. I have learned more important things from stories than from any other thing (except actual life experience, I suppose...but it is probably a much closer race than I even realize). The stories of Madeleine L'Engle, C.S. Lewis, Terry Pratchett, Orson Scott Card...there are too many people to list here. God's story. My story. Stories are so important. Perhaps that is why I want to devote my life to telling them in one way or another.

6. Which leads me to the stage. I do love the stage, although it scares me sometimes too. There is life there, like the life I find in stories, because it is where the stories come to life. An empty stage is potential incarnate.

7. Spirituality. I am glad there is more to this world than what I can experience with my senses, as much as I love them. The mystery that cannot be explained by anything, but that the spirit understands. The fear, the peace, the love, the wonder and trembling awe.

8. Secrets and surprises. I have, to my surprise, become a keeper of secrets for a handful of people that I would never have expected to become a secret holder for. It makes me wonder. I don't think I mind, but it can be tiring sometimes. Other times it makes me so happy because some secrets are wonderful - and those are the ones I love. And really good surprises, like the one I managed to pull off for S. (I wrote about it in an earlier post)...those are wonderful too.

9. Second chances. I don't know that I love them, but I am extremely grateful for them.

10. Singing. I didn't know how much I love to sing until this year, when I really started to use my voice properly and with confidence. Voice lessons have been a wonderful thing for me, and performing music in front of hundreds of people has helped my confidence immensely. I am so glad that I was given the gift of a beautiful voice. I love the feeling of my voice soaring out free and clear and bigger than I ever thought it could be. Music is beautiful. I'm glad God invented it.

And that brings me to 10. I didn't even touch on a sense of humour, or sunshine, stars, sweetness, salt and spices, savouring experiences, or sexuality. When I started, I wasn't sure I'd be able to find 10 things that began with s. It turned out to be surprisingly easy.

And now for another s-word I love - sleep. Too bad I have no one to snuggle with tonight...

Surprise Me

“So, what did you get me for Christmas?”

This question has hit my ears many, many times this December. In the middle of a conversation, while cuddling, in the midst of kisses, while we are making supper – any time S. thinks my guard is down, he asks me what I got him. Every time, I say, “I’m not telling you!”. I’ve got years of experience in resisting curiosity. I have my mother to thank for that – if you can surprise her, you can surprise anyone.

S. and I have different mentalities when it comes to gifts. S. doesn’t care about being surprised as long as he knows he likes what he’s getting, and that he isn’t going to get multiple copies of the same thing. It’s a practical, pragmatic approach to gifts that is almost completely foreign to me.

I like being surprised. Of course I like getting things that I like, but if someone has gotten me something that I didn’t expressly tell them to get me but they thought I would like it, that matters more to me than what the gift is. The fact that they put thought into what to get me is what matters to me – and if they know me well enough to risk like that and get me something I like too, then, well…then you’re golden.

S. is golden. He didn’t even ask for a list. He just went out and risked, and his risk paid off. He got me a gloriously soft and fluffy and big bathrobe and a Sam Roberts CD, both things that I mentioned in passing, brief comments that he made mental notes of. I am very pleased and touched that he remembers things like that. I mean, I knew he listened to me when I talked, but it is always nice to see that proven.

Although S. liked surprising me, he didn’t want me to surprise him. But I stuck to my guns – no matter how many times he asked, no matter how distracted I was when he asked, I refused to tell him what I got him. I did a lot of scheming and I wasn’t about to crack.

However, I do need to spill the beans here or the rest of the story doesn’t make sense. Let me take you back to the end of August, 2006. S. and I were going to go and watch a movie for his birthday. He was eagerly anticipating going to see Lady in the Water. We phoned the local movie theatre. It wasn’t playing but we weren’t surprised. It’s a small theatre. We phoned theatres in Calgary. Every single one of them had the same thing to say. Lady in the Water wasn’t playing there anymore. It was very disappointing and irritating.

Within days I had a brilliant thought. What if I got him Lady in the Water for Christmas? That might not seem so brilliant until you know that every New Years the technical people in this theatre town set up a projector and a huge white cyc (which is a screen, basically) and watch movies. It’s like being at a movie theatre. What if I got the projector set up earlier so we could watch it on a big screen? It would be like I brought the movie, and the theatre, to S. Brilliance indeed.

So I did my research. I discovered that Lady in the Water was about to be released on December 19th. I talked to the tech people and got the projector set up. I phoned S.’s family and told them what I was getting him, and swore them to secrecy. Then, when the release date arrived, my friend R. and I made up an excuse to go to town by ourselves, and I bought the movie. I secreted it away in my underwear drawer and kept on misleading S. into thinking that not only had I had his gift for weeks, but that it was hidden somewhere he’d never find it. And I told him I wanted to watch a movie on the projector – so what did he want to watch?

He went and borrowed some movies that he thought would look good on a big screen – King Kong, Monster House and X-III. “I wish Lady in the Water was out,” he said with a sigh. “That would look good on a big screen.”

“Yes, it would,” I said with my best actor face.

After supper, R., L., S. and I went to the Studio Stage where the projector was set up. I had the movie in my backpack, hidden under a blanket and cans of pop. R. and L. were in on the plan – but apparently the technical people were not, for when we arrived we found the cyc, but not the projector.

“I thought B.G.G. had set this all up,” I said.

“Maybe he just meant the screen was up,” S. said. “It doesn’t matter, we can just watch a movie in Lola’s.” Lola’s is the student lounge. It has a nice television at least – but I was somewhat disappointed. Whatever. Plan B, phase 2.

I went to the washroom and extracted the film from the case, hiding the case in my backpack again and holding the disc carefully by my side. I walked back to the lounge, where R. and L. were serenading S. on the piano while he organized the couch and wiped down the tv screen. R. looked up when I entered. S. had his back to me, so I frantically mouthed, “Distract him! Distract him!” and showed her the disc.

R. is one smart cookie. “Hey, S., are the lights still on in the set shop?”

“I think so,” he said.

“Where are the switches?” R. knows exactly where the switches are.

S. looked at her with a puzzled expression as he explained their location.

“Okay.” R. and L. walked down the hallway to turn off the lights – and S. turned towards the movies. Great.

Then L’s voice came down the hall. “S., we can’t find them!”

S. shook his head. “Frick!” he said and he got up and walked down to help the clueless women. I quickly opened the DVD player and inserted the disc. Where the hell’s the remote? I thought. Do I just push play and hope for the best? I could hear them coming back. I pushed play and stood up.

The screen turned black just as S. entered the room. “What are we watching?” he asked. “A movie,” I replied.

“You can’t just pick a movie for all of us,” he said, going over to the stack of full DVD cases. Dammit!

“Well, I just did,” I said, as he began to open the cases to see what we were watching. I grabbed the only one he hadn’t opened yet.

“X-III? Okay, fine…” he said. He went over and picked up the remote from its hiding place on the shelf. The sound of water came over the speakers, and the image from the trailers, of Paul Giamatti looking down into the pool, came onto the screen. “This is what I want to watch,” S. said.

As the words left his mouth, the image arranged itself to be the DVD menu. S.’s brow furrowed and his mouth opened. “What…?”

“Merry Christmas,” I said with a very smug grin.

He blinked and gave his head a little shake. He looked at me and back at the screen.

I laughed. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him look so confused or surprised in the two years I’ve known him. “Come sit down,” I said. “Let’s watch the movie.”

He smiled and shook his head. “Thank you, sweetie,” he said, and he gave me a kiss. “You got me. It’s hard to get me.”

I giggled and kissed him back.

I’m glad I kept the secret. I think my way of doing presents is much more fun.

And I think maybe now he’d agree.

Break time!

Well, school is over for the year and I am enjoying a well deserved break. I have finished my show, finished my homework (except that damn character biography for Juliet that really doesn't interest me but that I should probably complete to build my own character...rrrr), have found a way to get out of student housing (yeay!) and I've almost finished my Christmas shopping. I am spending a great deal of time doing whatever I feel like doing, which amounts to hanging out with friends, making out with S., eating Russel Stover French Mint chocolates, and spending time alone. It has been marvelous, and it's only been two days.

Of course, next term I'll be busy again. I get back just in time to begin the intense workshops referred to as Intercession (perhaps because we need the saints to intercede on our behalf in order to survive them), and to begin another rehearsal process. One of my roommates is in the midst of producing her final project and I got cast in it. I was thrilled. I've wanted to be involved from the moment I heard she was doing it. And then I'll have classes and a trip to London. It will be a busy year, like every year here in this valley town.

And the most exciting news of all - this summer, I'll be in my first Opera House show! I was cast in "The Good Doctor". I found out about both this role and the other one on the same day. It was a very good day for me...it isn't often in an actor's life that they get two roles in one day.

The only note of sobriety was that some of the competition for those two roles are my friends. It is very hard to be happy for oneself and sad for ones friends about the same event. There are aspects of this career that suck, and fighting for work with people you love is one of those sucky things.

I'll be using some of my alone time to write so hopefully this blog will have more new material than it has for a while. I had every intention of writing something profound and meaningful (or at least brilliant) but I've used all of my creative steam finishing some homework and journalling assignments so the brilliant post will have to happen later in the week.

But never fear - it will arrive. Sooner or later.

After I've had another little chocolate break.

Etymology

S. must think I'm a very strange person sometimes. I can get so passionate about things that he has no interest in.

Case in point - yesterday we were talking about Christmas, and he asked me what sort of things I liked. I started where I always start - books. He took a deep breath, so I got specific. I somehow ended up waxing eloquent on the amazing qualities of etymological dictionaries. I would love to have an etymological dictionary - one of those hefty tomes that seemingly has every word, where it came from, and every meaning it has ever had. In close second comes the huge set of Oxford English Dictionaries...a set of dictionaries! They need more than one book to give you the whole alphabet, with meanings, a small etymology, and a pronounciation guide! Did you know that some dictionaries don't even have phonetical pronounciation guides anymore? It's pathetic. But I would hope the etymological dictionary doesn't make that mistake. Oh no. It is lovely and thick, and practically perfect in every way. And very, very expensive. I probably went on for 10 or 15 minutes about dictionaries, with S. just watching me in wonder. Finally he broke in with, "You would like a dictionary?"

"Oh, yes! They're amazing!"

"Why?"

"Because...all the words!" I was almost drooling at this point.

"But you can't read a dictionary."

"Oh, yes you can. You don't read it from cover to cover, but you'll be looking up a word and you see a word you haven't seen before so you read the definition, and then the word under that catches your eye, and then you realize that you were looking for something specific, so you look that up and then the word across the page from that calls out to you and before you know it you've randomly read 20 definitions and you're late for your next class."

S. raised his eyebrows.

"Okay, you don't. I do. I love randomly reading the dictionary, if it's a good dictionary." At this point I realized how crazy I must sound. I suddenly felt shy about it. "Just in case you were thinking I was normal or something," I said, looking at him through my hair.

He smiled. "I love you."

Just out of the blue, just like that. No dictionary required.

Three simple words - I don't think hearing them will ever get old.

Unreasonably happy...

Because he told me he loved me.

Tech Week with Benefits

Nothing quite makes the tech week experience complete like getting your period, getting an almost migraine, and getting the flu. Combine that with half of the female cast and crew also getting their periods and the emotional tension of tech week being upped significantly by that and then the fact that I’ve spread the flu around as an early Christmas present, and you have the recipe for a smash success on your hands.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, tech week for “The Way of the Wolf” is in full swing, which for this particular show means that we have one more two-hour rehearsal, another run of the show with a preview audience and a notes session and then we open. It’s actually not that bad except for the added bonuses mentioned above. This show is a lot of firsts for me – my first student show without production elements (yeay!), my first show with idiotically fast costume changes (gah), my first time singing solo in a show (which I like), the first time doing rehearsal with the flu (which I didn’t like), my first experience doing fight work (cool), and my first time of getting my period at intermission during a rehearsal run (not so cool). Also, I’ve never played a raccoon or a nighthawk before. It does seem like every show I’m in my character has either a near-death or full-death experience, so the fact that the raccoon dies isn’t that new to me…but getting shot and falling off the mezzanine is a new, cool thing I’ve never done before.

I’m probably so chipper about the whole thing because I’m actually pretty much over the flu, and getting my period doesn’t really phase me that much – and the almost migraine is a thing of the past. I’ve opened shows before, and I’m not worried about this one. We’re ready. Whether everyone else in the cast feels that way is open to question, but I know that we are and if there are some opening week hiccups, I’ve had those too. They come, they go and the show goes on.

Having the flu was actually not that bad of an experience this time. I never did throw up, and being achy and feverish wasn’t so bad with S. there to make me tea and watch movies with me, and shower me with concern and tenderness. My mother will be happy – every time I get sick she wants to come and baby me until I’m better, so the fact that somebody else did will be music to her ears. All the TLC may have actually gotten S. sick, in which case I intend to reciprocate the attention and make him tea and tend to his every need – where my schedule allows. I got sick on a weekend, so that made things a little easier. I suppose I could always get my mom to come down and take care of him.

There is an old superstition that bad things come in threes. I just realized that I got all of my opening night bad luck out of my system already. If that isn’t a good omen, I don’t know what is.

Benefits, indeed.

Learning

It has happened.

My boyfriend and his ex have been paired up in class to perform a scene together.

I'm glad I thought about this possibility before I agreed to date him - but even with that, it has presented challenges that I don't know what to do with.

The scene? It's from "The Taming of the Shrew", with S. playing Petruchio and M. playing Kate. Petruchio is wooing Kate to be his wife, and Kate is resisting his every move. It's a pretty physical scene - at one point S. sits M. down on a chair and straddles her.

The strange thing is, watching them perform doesn't bother me. Knowing that they are rehearsing doesn't bother me. No. What bothers me is seeing the slight hesitation in M.'s body, the tension she obviously feels when they touch. It bothers me that as soon as they finish the scene, M. looks to me to see if I'm okay, if I still like her, if I'm having a hard time watching her be physical with my boyfriend. She is so insecure in this work that it is rubbing off on me and I hate that.

I just wish she could relax and be professional about it. S. is being professional. That tension doesn't read in his body. As soon as the pairings were announced, we talked about it and we both recognize that we have to be professional about it. There isn't any other option in our minds. But M. is having such a hard time doing that, and it both irritates me and makes me mistrust her around S. A part of me wonders if she is having such a hard time letting work be work because she still wants to be with him.

And because she talks to me about everything, I know that she still has feelings for him. She told me when we started dating that she didn't, but since then I've learned that was a lie. She is still going through the whole grieving, ending a relationship process and dammit, as much as I want to trust her, it is very hard.

It's a very good thing that I trust S. or this would all be so much worse. I know that nothing will happen - I'm not feeling jealousy - but there is this horrible unease that I don't know what to do with. And the thing is, I know the unease is valid. It's grounded in her insecurity and the fact that she hasn't found closure yet - and at the same time, I know that S. has. So what am I supposed to do with this? I trust him, I don't completely trust her. I know nothing will happen, and I'm uneasy. I am trying my best to be professional about this, and she keeps looking to me for reassurance - and it pisses me off and I don't know how to respond.

I guess it's just another glorious learning experience. I'm getting tired of learning. It takes a lot of work and sometimes I just don't want to have to deal with another new thing, figuring out how to be healthy and whole in a new situation. And I am not content to be stagnant, so my own will pushes me to take these learning experiences and use them.

Dammit anyways.

Hair, hair, look at that hair

All I can say is that it is a good thing I'm not Sampson.

Before I go further, I need to say that my hair is very long. It reaches half-way down my back in waves of a reddish-brown. In fact, it is too long. I can no longer really do anything with it. If I put it up it gives me headaches, and if I leave it down it gets everywhere - in my mouth, my eyes, tangled in my glasses or my buttons on my shirts. However, it has always been long and that is how I am used to interacting with it.

Well, as of next Thursday, it will be short. It is getting cut for a show - being in theatre means I can no longer control my hair. This is something that I have mentally prepared myself for ever since I decided to follow this crazy passion of mine. However, it will be short! The longest parts will be at the top of my shoulders, and the shortest bits will be by the tops of my ears, I think. I haven't had short hair for a very long time. In fact, I don't know what to do with short hair. I am going to have to spend a day learning how to do my hair all over again.

I'm a little uncertain as to what I think about this. I am tired of how long it is. I think the new cut will look cute, and I think I'll like it. But so much hair is going! It will be an adjustment, and every so often I freak out a little inside about it.

But, as my mother says, hair grows. It will grow back if I absolutely hate it. It will grow back if I absolutely love it - either way, this is not a permanent state.

Just a very new one.

I just have to remind myself that I won't lose all my strength when my hair lands on the floor.

Jericho

"How can a person go from liking a person to not wanting to have anything to do with them in less than three hours?" I asked one of my friends the other day. He shrugged. I wonder what his response would be to my new question - how can I explain going from not liking M. to being able to say that I love her in less than three hours?

I don't know that something like that can be explained in any other way than to say "It's a God thing." That's all it is - I certainly didn't find some hidden store of love that I chose to shower upon M. It was like God reached down and gave me a bunch of extra love and that spilled over onto her and it's sticking like toffee to carpet, only in a much better way than that.

And all because I didn't let up on her about her dishes, and then one of my housemates told her that she was only in the house on a probationary measure, and so she snapped and her walls came down. It amazes me how being able to see someone in their vulnerability and weakness makes them so much more human, lovable, understandable...I am able to see her as a person now, and I can extend grace and mercy towards her in a way that I strove for before but failed at miserably.

I learned a lot last night - about M., about me, about living together with my boyfriend's ex and what that means for both M. and myself...and about the attitudes my housemates and I have been carrying in our auras, for lack of a better way to describe it. We really have been unmerciful and judgemental, and M. has been picking up on that so clearly, so much more clearly than I realized.

It is so hard. It is so bizarre - all I can do is shake my head and laugh. God has such a strange sense of humour sometimes. I am her ex's new girlfriend, and somehow I've ended up one of her closest friends right now. I am the one in our house with the most reasons to hate her, and I am the one in our house who has suddenly found myself in a place (God given, granted) to love her the most. And I have the most reason to close myself off to her, and I have had my eyes opened to see the negative attitudes of the rest of my housemates. And I don't know what to do about that.

I don't want to take up M.'s cause against my friends, and at the same time I see that they really aren't giving her much of a chance - and that is their prerogative.

So what do I do? I have prayed to be able to love M., and now I have been given that ability and I want to share it with the rest of my housemates but I can't, and it isn't my place to anyway. It's something that God can show them - if they want to be shown.

And I want them to want that so badly, and there isn't a single thing I can do about it.

Unless I march around them for a week, blowing on a ram's horn...that worked for Joshua.

It could be worth a try, at least.

Sunshine on a Cloudy Day

A few days ago I was pulling my own little rain storm around by a leash. A very short leash too, I might add. I was irritable, grumpy and bouncing from emotion to emotion, and I didn't like it at all. All because I was a little bit sick, mildly hormonal, and very, very lonely.

All of the people I usually vent to about the little things in life are now on a schedule that perfectly opposes mine. I've written about this before, but it is still affecting me a lot. So much so that when my mom gave me the very matter-of-fact "Emergency rooms are not for colds" talk (one that I have given myself) I burst into tears and was a blubbering mess for half an hour. It was so good to talk to her. I was able to get out all of my minor frustrations and some of my big ones as well, and to just cry into the phone. It was exactly what I needed.

It means that today I am bubbly instead of blubbery. It is a nice change. I enjoy being happy. That isn't really a profound statement, but it is so true. Being happy is much nicer than being irritable and upset. It means I can take the little things in stride again. I'm back to what feels more like my normal self again. I like this a lot.

Plus I just got some good news. I wasn't sure I'd be able to go to the opening night of this show that has stolen my friends away - but now I can! That, and I just got my evaluation for my performance as an Assistant Stage Manager and it was a good one. And I'm not feeling as sick anymore, and the hormones are back on an even keel - and the weekend just ended, so I've actually gotten some friend time in. By Saturday I'll be feeling the loss again, but today - nothing but sunshine.

It's a good feeling.

Make New Friends, Keep the Old...

...one is silver, the other gold.

I've always liked silver better than gold, but I am finding that a difficult thing to maintain now that most of my friends are involved in a rehearsal process without me. The people that I have hung out with for the last two years are all busy when I'm not, and when they are done I have to go to a rehearsal of my own. I've been joking about not seeing them until their show is up, but it's turning out to be true and that isn't funny anymore.

And to make matters worse, it's only been two days. How am I supposed to tolerate this for another three weeks? It sucks. I'm okay with not being in the Christmas show. I'm not upset that I am not going to be on Main Stage - but it is hard to not be in on the process that all of my friends are in on. They will get their own set of rehearsal jokes, their own memories that I will not be a part of, and I won't see them much until November.

I've been owly for the last two days, and though I've blamed it on being sick, at least a part of it has been this feeling of disconnection I have from my class and my friends. I guess I'm going to have to get over it, or else spend the next month being a gold medal grump.

Wouldn't that be a good way to make new friends?

Tea Talk

A good friend came over last night. I had just fallen asleep on the couch and was a bit disoriented but since he brought both tea and good conversation I forgave him.

We ended up talking about relationships and the spirituality of sexuality. I told him things were not as cut and dried as I had once naively thought they were, and he agreed. He said it was scary when you thought about it, because the spiritual aspect lifted sexual behaviour beyond self-gratification and brought a bunch of responsibility to it...and that the lines that people lay out for you in Sunday School aren't neccesarily the way things work in real life.

"You are in a moment, and you know not to go any further, and then the next time everything feels right, and you push against the boundaries and they are still there, but they are a lot further out than you expected them to be. Suddenly you're swimming in water that is far deeper than you thought it was but you aren't drowning and it is all still right and you are still okay."

I kind of butchered what he said, but I think I got the spirit of it. It stuck out in my mind because it put into words exactly what I have experienced. It was good to hear that I am not alone in this strangeness...and I always appreciate it when others can put into words something that I cannot.

We also talked about God, and how life is a gift. That everything in life is a gift, and some parts of life aren't meant to be explored all at once, but that the gift itself is still good even if the moment isn't right. That hope is always there and is so hard to kill. That as long as you are alive there is equal potential for good or evil. That the body is a strange thing. That the spirit is unexplainable. That acceptance of pain can be good or so wrong. That it is a miracle that pain can not only be healed but that great beauty can come out of it. That sometimes it is supposed to hurt, and that when we stop fighting we can find a way to heal.

We didn't talk about it, but good friends are gifts too.

I thank God I have so many of them.

Adulthood

I have really good friends. I have been reminded of that this week, and I am very grateful for them.

One of my best friends, R., and I have spent a lot of time talking this weekend. I needed that more than I knew. I’ve been dealing with some big things – my sexuality, boundaries, living with the old girlfriend, my changing relationship with my parents – and it is so good to have someone to talk to who can relate and listen and share my life. R. is very good at helping me to articulate things I am feeling but have no words for, and at listening and giving me perspective on things that seem overwhelming.

I thought that I had licked this whole parent relationship thing. I really did. I thought I had figured out what it was supposed to be now. I’ve started figuring it out, that much is true, but it is still in process. It’s not easy. The problem isn’t my parents. It’s me and my response to them, my perception of them and of how they think of me, even though that perception may be skewed. I don’t know why, but it is so easy to fall back into habitual behaviours, the way I was when I was 16, and so hard to be my adult self around them. I am still trying to find out what it looks like to be the adult child.

It’s hard because I am still learning which voices in my head are my own and which ones are theirs. The hardest thing is that sometimes when I do figure out which messages are coming from whom, I can’t trust my own voice because it is in direct contradiction to the voices of my parents. And maybe my voice is naïve, but I just can’t follow their voices anymore. Even if I’m wrong, I have to figure that out myself and I can’t until I listen and am honest with myself.

Sometimes I feel like I’m stuck in a big sticky web, with my parents and mentors as this big spider trying to keep me there despite my fighting hard to get out, to breathe, to become my own person and get the web off of my skin. I know that it will be a good thing to get free – and I know that yes, that will mean that I can get hurt and yes, that will mean that I might make mistakes in a big-person’s arena, but dammit, I am a big person now. If I can’t make adult mistakes than I will never become an adult. It sounds terrible to put it that way, but it feels true. I cannot become an adult if I’m being protected from adulthood. I need to be able to make adult choices, to have adult freedom, and yes, that means I’ll have the potential to make adult mistakes that will leave adult consequences.

My parents love me very much, and I know they just don’t want me to get hurt. I can respect that and at the same time I don’t want protection anymore. I am an adult and their time to protect me is over. If I haven’t gotten the tools to survive in an adult world by now, it is too late for them to give them to me.

I love my parents very much as well, and I respect them very much. They have been through a lot, and have been faced with situations and decisions that I have never had to deal with – and hopefully never will. That makes this hard too. I don’t have a map for this. Relationships would be so much easier if they came with maps, but they don’t and all I can do is trust God and go forward in the way that feels best.

I just want to tell them – You have to let go of me and my choices and my life and let me live, breathe, make mistakes, get hurt, find love, create joy and learn my own path. I will be okay. You are my parents, yes.

But I am not a child anymore.

Social Mixer

As I sit and type I feel like I am on the ocean – the wind blowing the leaves of the trees outside, the sound like the tide lapping, my stomach quivering as if it is going to leap into the sea with or without me.

I am not really sick. I don’t have any good reason to feel like this – no flu, I’m definitely not pregnant. No, instead my reason is that I am inexperienced in the ways of drinking and thus mixed three different kinds of wine last night.

Yes, friends, I am currently experiencing my first hangover. It’s quite mild, just a little bit of an upset stomach, but I’ve been told it still counts as a hangover. I’m not sure what I think about it. I didn’t get drunk, so I feel like I’m being punished for something I didn’t even do. I only felt a little off balance last night – which is apparently known as tipsy – and I was coherent enough to stop when I noticed I could get out of hand. I wasn’t coherent enough to follow my friends’ advice and drink tons of water before going to bed, though, so I woke up feeling like if only I could empty my stomach my life would be wonderful again. No headache, thank God, but definite waves of nausea.

A sign of my naivety is that I didn’t even know what was wrong with me. I mentioned that I felt a bit sick and L. calmly informed me that I was a little bit hung-over. Well, she actually laughed at me. She thinks it's quite funny. I was shocked. A little bit of dizziness last night and now I want to puke.

I haven’t thrown up. I’m kind of proud of that fact. Of course, I didn’t drink very much either. I avoided the tequila, for instance. I don’t understand why anyone would want to drink something that vile. And I knew enough not to mix different kinds of liquor anyway – but why didn’t anyone tell me that you can’t mix different wines? I was in a very experimental mood and tried a dry red, a sweet white and a raspberry merlot that went down like candy – and all within an hour and a half.

Huh. When I think of it that way, I'm really quite lucky. I should feel much worse.

And no doubt it helps that I left before they got out the spiced rum…

Dad

My relationship with my father hasn’t always been a good one. It hasn’t been terrible. For most of my life it just wasn’t much of anything. Growing up, my memories of him are mostly of where and when he wasn’t. He worked away from home or on shifts that made him sleep the day away. It seemed to me that money and bosses were more important that I was, and for a long time I accepted that as the way things were supposed to be. When I realized that was a lie, I got angry. I spent several years being quietly very angry at my dad. Angry that he wasn’t there. Angry that I wasn’t a priority to him. Angry that he thought he knew me when he didn’t.

Several years ago my dad injured his knee and was unable to work. He spent a year and a half, pretty much, staying at home and completely changing the schedules and lives of the rest of the family. It was quite disruptive at first. At first I didn’t like it one bit. I had my life organized, thank you, and this was upsetting all of my carefully built walls and orders. But, like many things that I find upsetting, it was the beginning of something necessary. Something good.

I was forced to decide whether or not I wanted a relationship with this man who had helped to give me life. I had to decide whether I wanted him to know who I was now, the woman I was becoming. At first I wasn’t sure. I didn’t trust that he would stick around – he hadn’t before – and I didn’t want to invest in something that was going to end in me being abandoned yet again. I was angry and resentful and had more than my fair share of grudges.

I’m so thankful that I chose to begin a relationship with my father. I have discovered so much. I knew that he didn’t know me – but I didn’t know how much I didn’t know him. I had been told all my life how much wisdom my father had – but I had doubted or simply taken it for granted. I didn’t know how much I need his voice in my life.

When my dad taught me how to drive, he sat in the passenger seat and cleaned his fingernails. He was so certain that I knew enough of what I was doing to keep us both alive and on the road. His calm was infectious and gave me the confidence I needed to remain calm and relaxed myself. He’s still like that about the things I face in life. When I first realized that I loved S., I freaked out. I called to talk to my mom but she wasn’t home, so I ended up talking to my dad. His voice was the one I needed in that moment. I needed to hear that I wasn’t crazy, that there was no such thing as a time schedule when it came to love, that love was scary and that it wasn’t all supposed to be rainbows and pastel clouds…that me crying about being in love was okay. He told me that emotions can be overwhelming and can come out in bizarre ways – that crying for happiness wasn’t stupid. He told me that my instincts for physical lines were good, and put into words the things I am trying to achieve in the physical aspects of my relationship.

He is so calm, so trustful that my own instincts and abilities will kick in when I need them to. He is so sure that I will hear God’s voice and obey it. That he doesn’t need to be God’s voice for me. That I will figure out this crazy thing called life and love on my own. And at the same time, he doesn’t take a backseat to my life and keep his wisdom to himself. He still wants to be involved, to know where I’m at and what I’m dealing with. He wants to share his life with me.

My dad has been so open with where he screwed up as a father. He has heard my pain and anger and accepted that it is his fault – and cried with me. I have seen my father cry with regret at the things that he didn’t do. I have seen my father cry with the pain of loss, the pain of being hurt. He has shown me that it is okay to cry. It takes strength to cry.

My dad left a safe job and followed a calling. He didn’t give up when every logical voice told him his dream was unattainable, that he was causing his family hardship. He didn’t give up even when he began to believe those voices. He stuck it out – and is now working at a job he loves. He has been such an inspiration to me. When I could have followed the safe path, chosen a career that would have promised a steady income and constant work, his example helped me to take the scary leap of faith and jump headlong onto a path that I love, a vocation instead of a job, a journey that will be hard and won’t make me rich but that feeds my soul like nothing else I know. His example and his support have made it possible for me to do this – and have kept me from quitting when it all seems impossible.

I love my dad so much. He has shown me how not to live – money isn’t everything and family is so much more important. He has shown me that anyone can change – it is scary and it does hurt but the rewards are great. He has shown me how to love. He has shown me how to run. How to fight and how to laugh and how to cry. How to see God and that it is okay to rage against Him. His journey has been so integral to my own, so influential and eye opening and humbling and joyous. I don’t know how I would be able to live without him there, quietly and proudly supporting me, his daughter whom he loves.

I love you, Dad.

Don’t you dare go away from me yet.

Long Time, No See

It seems like an eternity since I last posted anything here. I've been busy - the usual excuse - and now that I have a moment of time I'm not sure what to write. There was something I wrote almost a month ago that I think I'll post here now - something that I intended to put here and then chickened out on and never did. I believe I wrote it August 15th.


Discovering that you have fallen in love is probably not supposed to be a horrifying realization. Most people, upon realizing that they love someone, probably don't stare blankly ahead and say 'Holy shit'. Most people probably don't wonder what the hell is wrong with them when they realize they're in love.

I'm just guessing though. Perhaps I am a completely normal person, experiencing completely normal responses to a completely normal phenomenon. Perhaps the vast majority of people out there are scared shitless by the mere suggestion of something more than 'like'. Maybe most people fall in love because of absolutely ridiculous things, too.

In case you missed it, I have now experienced the marvelous sensation called Falling In Love. Like any other kind of falling, there seems to be a feeling of weightlessness. A lack of air. A startled feeling in my chest where my heart should be beating. Unlike other kinds of falling there is also happiness. A certain delight. A settledness.

I am scared too. What else is new, really? When I read my journals and blog posts I am astounded that my nickname isn't Chickenshit. I love someone who doesn't have to love me back. He's not like my family. He can cut and run at any time. He isn't neccesarily there for good.

People aren't supposed to fall in love after only 2 months, are they? I've never fallen in love before but this seems so quick. Granted I've known him for 2 years. But still - this was so unexpected.

Especially because of what pushed me over the edge. He was drunk at a party and he turned to me and said, "This is why that song (Animal I Have Become by Three Days Grace) describes me so well. It doesn't matter where I am, what social situation I'm in or who I'm around, I'm the same person inside. This is who I am." He looked so hopeless. I saw through masks that I hadn't realized were even there and saw hurts that I hadn't known exsisted. Why on earth would I fall then? Why did that get me when all the sweet things he's done, all the respectful, romantic, charming stuff didn't? I don't understand, but I suddenly loved him. In that moment. Even as I fell, I was thinking I can't change him. Loving the shit out of someone doesn't work. I know this and I fell in love with him anyway. In spite of that. Because of that.

It doesn't hurt that he treats me with respect. That he asks where my lines are and doesn't cross them. That he wants me and wants to spend time with me, that he likes talking to me and listening to me. That he looks like an angel when he sleeps...when all the masks are down and he looks like he is at peace. That he holds doors for me and cooks for me. All of that certainly doesn't hurt.

Not like this could when - if - I hit the bottom.

Holy shit.

I've fallen in love.


I still love him, I still don't understand why. It still causes me pain and makes me very happy. It is sobering to realize that I love someone and I always will, even if I don't end up making my life with him. I didn't expect this to happen - this relationship went from a fun thing to have to something I care deeply about in a heartbeat. I went from a 'me' to an 'us' and I don't know how.

I'm not as freaked out as I was when I wrote this. I'm not as worried that I'm moving too quickly - I've learned that things happen in their own time and that there is no normal. I'm not as scared, even though I'm realizing that I've opened myself up to a whole new level of getting hurt. What fun.

It has been interesting to see what is true about love and what isn't. Being in love does cause joy and distress at the same time...those young lovers who wail and moan and complain about love while they are obviously not going to leave it behind are being honest in a very dramatic way. Love isn't blind, though. I can still see all the things that irritate me about S. quite well, and they still irritate me too. I just have more patience. Love is patient, kind and long-suffering. Love is a mine-field. Love is very complex, wonderful, and confusing.

Those of you who read this and pray, keep me - and S. - in your prayers. Guidance seems like the thing that we both need in this new landscape, this new world I've fallen into without a map.

An Unofficial Poll

About five weeks ago I began asking people in my town, “What is your definition of making out?” I started asking because I figured this was something I needed to know, and I’ve continued asking because I’ve been getting such great answers and besides, I’m extremely curious. I’ve decided to post these answers for your enjoyment – and I’m extending an invitation to join in and post your definitions too.

Here are the answers I’ve received so far.

• 
  Anything more than normal kissing – French kissing is making out.
  
• Kissing from the neck up. Heavy petting, although it may be simultaneously occurring, is a completely different (and wonderful) thing.
  
• Anything the girl is comfortable doing that isn’t sex.
  
• Kissing – people should keep their hands to themselves until they’re engaged.
  
• Hands under clothing.
  
• Kissing with hands over clothing, and grindage of bodies. Underwear doesn’t count as clothing.
  
• If time has gone by without you noticing, you’ve been making out.
  
• Horizontal kissing.
  
• Involved kissing.
  
• Intimate physical contact with intention.
  
• Full out making love.
  
• Really intense kissing.
  
• Anything that you wouldn’t be comfortable doing in public.
  
• Kissing, primarily. Heavy petting belongs to a different commitment level.
  

I’ve asked 16 people so far, and although I cannot remember every single response, these are the ones that stand out. As you can see, there is a common idea but there are some extremes too.

As for my definition? [a delicious smirk and a giggle…] Well, I think I’m going to have to conduct a little more research before I know that for sure.

Sudsy Mouthwash

Yesterday I wrote a brilliant post, all about my weekend at my grandparent's 50th wedding anniversary, seeing cousins I hadn't seen for 10 years, and how I felt about not being cast in the Christmas show. I agonized, laboured and gave birth to a beautiful assortment of letters and punctuation marks. And, as I clicked "Publish", I saw the little, tiny notice that said, "I am not working properly today and so your post, your lovely little word-baby, will get lost in cyber-space and eaten by ravening dotcoms. Kiss it goodbye now, because you'll never see it again." And it was right. No amount of groaning, hitting the desk, searching through my internet history, or swearing brought back my perfect post. And trust me, I did a lot of swearing. I don't think I've sworn that much, ever. I almost cried, I was so upset.

So now I get to try to recreate a post. It is impossible to rewrite something like that, something that was just that wonderful, but here goes.

My grandparents have been married for 50 years. At the festivities, I saw two cousins I haven't seen for 10 years. I realized that their world view and mine are radically different, but we both create art from our world views which fascinates me. I found out, upon my return, that I am not in the Christmas show. I am both disappointed (of course I want to be cast) and relieved (in that now I know at least). I might audition for the smaller Christmas production but there are a lot of girls auditioning so my chances are diminished. And, in conclusion, acting is hard.

See? So much was lost because of technology. The original was a work of art - this was just work.

On a much nicer note, I am housesitting for one of my teachers this week. Her house is adorable. It used to be a one car garage but is now an absolutely fantastic house for one person (or two, if they're cozy). I covet it - I would love to live there. She has a cat, Portia, and I'm glad she's a house cat because I've missed having a cat in the house. Plus there's a garden I can eat out of, a gas stove to cook with, books to read, pretty curtains, movies, and some space to myself. It will be a nice week.

It'll give my mouth a chance to get the soap taste out, anyway.

Open Hearts

Yesterday I found out that my boyfriend's ex might be our new housemate in September.

My initial reaction to this was not one of joy, understandably. I don't particularly like this girl. I don't think she made a very good first impression on me when I first met her on her scout week. Even without the complication of her history with S. I wouldn't be thrilled to live with her. She is young and headstrong, dominant and loud - none of which are traits I would choose in a housemate.

However, I have no choice in the matter. That is one of the joys of living in student housing, a joy that I think I was well prepared for by living in rented houses all of my life. Everyone else in my house, all of whom feel vast reluctance to live with M. as well, have the impression that they can simply put their foot down and not allow her to live in 'our' house. None of them are life-long renters, and the notion of simply submitting to this is not even in their minds.

Surprisingly, I am the most receptive to the idea, which makes me laugh a little. I have the most reason not to want to live with her, after all. I think knowing that I have no say in the matter means that instead of a mindset of fighting M.'s inclusion to our house, I immediately go to a place of 'how can I deal with this?'. Well, not immediately...my first thought was something more along the lines of "God, make another solution present itself. Make her live with first years - they don't know any better."

Because part of the problem is that none of her class mates from last year want to live with her either. She has not made a reputation for being easy to get along with, and on top of all of her grating personality traits, she's a messy person. There's just not a lot of incentive to live with this girl.

After brooding on this for an hour and then writing furiously for a while during the show, I was able to ask God for grace, love, courage and trust that this would all work out somehow. Either that another house would be found for M. to live in, or that her living with us would be a good thing. Somehow.

And somehow, when I fronted the concept to my housemates that night, I was the least venomous towards M., and the most accepting of the idea of her living with us. I guess God had already started giving me that grace and love that I'd asked for.

Since it is really likely that M. will live with us, I hope that God can open everyone's hearts in our house towards her. She is going into the busiest year of her life here, and the last thing she needs is to live in a house full of hostility and judgement. And, quite frankly, I don't need to live in a house of tension either. I like that our house is a sanctuary, a place where we can all come and be safe. Right now I trust my housemates and they trust me - and regardless of who comes in, they are going to upset that for a while, at least. I really desire for us to be able to bring M. into our sanctuary instead of having her destroy it.

In a way, it might be good that M. comes into our house. I can see that some other people could have been too quickly and easily integrated into our circle of trust without having to prove that they belonged there. At least M. will not be accepted into our confidences without good, good reason.

It's a gift that I can see how good it could be for M. to live in our house, if we can get rid of our walls towards her. She has enough walls of her own, which will need to come down if she is going to succeed here, and they won't come down if she isn't somewhere that she feels is safe. It could be really good for us too - I can see that it will make me learn all kinds of things that I would be able to ignore otherwise.

Pray for us, please. Where ever M. lives, it will not be easy for her or her housemates. If she lives with us, I anticipate a stretching, growing, painful experience - and yet I have hope that good will come out of it. But pray for us anyway...we will need all the love God can embellish us with, and very open hearts.

The World is Too Large

I just finished reading "My Name is Asher Lev". It has taken me a long time to read this book. I've gotten distracted with other books, with other occupations, with people, with things...but this book has won out and now that I'm finished it, I can see why it is a must-read on so many people's lists.

If you haven't read it, please do.

The artist's struggle - the internal debate between honesty and safety - just read the book.

Out of curiosity, what books are on people's must-read lists? My list is so long...it really depends on who asks me. I have a list of children's books, a list of fantastic fiction, a list of books that really impacted my beliefs, a list of not fiction...lists of specific authors...it is very difficult to narrow it down to 10 books, but in a fit of spontaneity I'm going to try right now.

These are in no particular order because that would just be too much hair-pulling strain.

1. The Five Children and It by E. Nesbit
2. The Narnia Chronicles by C. S. Lewis (please don't make me narrow it down to one)
3. Walking on Water by Madeleine L'Engle (while you're at it, read all of her other books too)
4. Children of the Mind by Orson Scott Card (but you have to start at the beginning of the series to understand this one)
5. The Sparrow by Mary Doria Russell (and then you can read the sequel!)
6. Tom's Midnight Garden by Philippa Pearce
7. The Lord of the Rings trilogy by J. R. R. Tolkien (if I can only have one, then The Return of the King - but ha! You have to read the others for this one to make any sense!)
8. Where the Red Fern Grows by Wilson Rawls
9. The BFG by Roald Dahl
10. Oh, I can't decide! [insert wail of despair.] I ended up remembering so many wonderful books from my childhood (like "The Cricket in Times Square" by George Selden) that books that I am reading now and quite enjoying (like Chaim Potok's "My Name is Asher Lev", or "Thief of Time" by Terry Pratchett, or "The Hitchhiker's Guide..." by Douglas Adams) got quite swept away in the flood. A top 10 list of books is actually a ridiculous idea. There are far too many good books out there. Far too many! Even a top 10 list of authors would fill me with regrets for the ones I had to leave out.

However, this list will do for now. I realize I've cheated by really listing more than 10 books, but any effort to change that will result in me throwing a mighty tantrum. Trust me, you do not want me to throw a mighty tantrum, so just leave my list alone.

Unless you want to add to it by telling me your favorite books...because however huge the world of books may be, I really don't think it can ever really be too large.

A Really Quiet, Persistent Voice

I really like how Microsoft Word puts that little red line underneath words that are spelled wrong. It's like having a very quick dictionary right at my fingertips - when I'm writing an email, or on here, I can easily check my spelling without waiting for the spellcheck option to load online. If it wasn't for that wonderful red line, I would have misspelled 'persistent' and that would have been embarrassing.

All summer in this lovely little town we have chapel services every Friday. I really needed today's chapel. We met together, sang some songs, and then went on a Sabbath walk, which was an amble to simply be. To really see the world around and to just be without having to do something or get anywhere. That is how I like to walk, but even I don't take the time to simply be alone, to see the world. This day was really no exception, as I was battling in my head. Unrest is not fun.

I have been in turmoil because my boyfriend and I don't see eye to eye when it comes to sex. He respects that I have chosen not to have premarital sex - he is very respectful of me and my physical boundaries. It's our viewpoints on sex that don't line up.

To me, sex is sacred. It is an extremely meaningful act of love and intimacy that cannot be treated lightly. To him, it is simply a physical act. Sure, it's intimate, but he doesn't see it as meaningful. That bothers me a lot. To the point where, on my walk, I was asking God if I should break up because that is something that I can see as being a problem if we ever got serious.

This is the kind of thing that I think is irresponsible to simply let go of but that is what God told me to do. "Let go of it. It isn't your problem to deal with right now."

That was not what I was expecting to hear, and I was speechless. It was surreal. And I was given peace about the whole thing. Peace that being with S. is still somehow a good thing. Peace that this bridge doesn't need to be crossed right now and when it does, I will know how to and it will be led by God.

I will never understand God if I live to be 1,000 years old. I seriously doubt that I will understand God even after I die and am in His presence. Instead of being upsetting, that thought makes me smile. He is so much bigger than I can cope with, and His ways are so confusing and yet I can still trust Him, and give Him my worship and love in a way that I have never been able to do before. My relationship with Him is a gift from Him and somehow I am calm in it.

The Sabbath walk made me realize that I need to take my turmoil to God and go for these quiet walks more often. Even when my mind is going a thousand miles a minute, His voice can still be heard. It's a good thing He's so damn persistent because otherwise the quietness would be overwhelmed and I'd never hear Him - and I probably wouldn't be a Christian right now.

I have gone through many periods of time where I thought I was a bad Christian because I don't read my Bible very often and I don't pray much unless I'm asking God for something. You know what? I am glad that I haven't ever managed to do those things. I am glad that I haven't ever managed to keep up with daily devotions. I would have been doing them out of a feeling of obligation and may have never realized that I actually need to find some time every day to simply be with God. I actually need to spend time with God every day, just the two of us.

Huh.

Well, my mom can rest easy now. She sometimes expresses a fear that not having raised us with the mindset of doing daily devotions, memorizing lots of scripture, and going to Bible College has somehow impaired us spiritually. Maybe it would have been a good thing, but I question whether it would have been an honest thing, looking at where my parents were at. I think that this way worked out well. God is bigger than whatever misguided efforts my parents did or didn't make, and He has found His own way to tell me what my spirit needs.

Now my mom can focus on her guilt for not teaching me how to spell.

Innocent Presumption

Last week a girl stayed at our house. As part of the application process for the school, applicants are required to spend a week here, taking classes and getting to know people. It's a good idea. This place is so unique, and a person really needs to get a taste of what they are getting themselves into before they commit to being here for 8 months.

This girl was the oldest scout we've had so far and I really got along well with her. My parents were here too, and while I was doing other things my mom talked to the scout and got to know her a bit. We all ended up going out for dinner which was nice. Because my mom was here, blogs came up and mine was mentioned in passing.

When the scout was leaving, she asked me for my blog address. Actually, what she said was, "Oh, you'll have to give me your blog address!". I laughed. It wasn't a laugh of happiness, it was the kind of laugh that happens when someone does something that displays their ignorance, that shows how little they know about you. It was a 'wow, are you ever presumptuous - I haven't even given my brother my blog address yet' sort of a laugh. I thought it was funny that this stranger would assume that I would give this almost-secret to her. I suppose that to some people a blog is just a way to share some thoughts with the world, but to me it is a vulnerable space. I said something non-commital and then went to my room and thought furiously for a few minutes.

Did I want to share this part of my life with a stranger? Granted, a stranger that I like and that I wouldn't mind getting to know better, but a stranger? Did I have the guts to say, actually I don't want to share this with you, sorry? Or did it matter that much to me?

I eventually decided to give her the address with the by-now-customary "I alone can give this address to people so don't share it" tag line. It might seem a little strange to be so tight-fisted with this site address when it could randomly come up when someone hits the 'next blog' button on another site. I know that some would argue that I spread this site around by posting comments on other blogs (I would argue that I could choose to anonymously post comments, so that is a choice). For some reason, to give this page of thoughts to someone I know is a different thing than to have someone I don't know reading it. And H. scout is someone who could possibly be involved in my life here next year.

I am realizing that regardless of who reads this blog, I have to be honest. I am realizing that I cannot censor myself so that I won't hurt someone who reads my words. That is not what I want this to be. And I am realizing that neither is this a place where I want to vent - that is what my hardcopy journal is for, because while I will not censor myself, I do not desire to harm people either, especially if it serves no purpose but to get it out of my system. I have less harmful ways of doing that. But overall, this is my blog. These are my thoughts, and sometimes they will hurt those who read them. Sometimes they hurt me, writing them. But I know there is a huge difference between hurting and harming, and I never want to harm with my words - ever.

These are all things that I would not have realized as quickly if H. scout had not been so innocently presumptuous, so I really ought to thank her.

Perhaps I already have.

Nothing Really Profound

After the last few posts on here I think I'm giving myself a complex. I do this sometimes, where I write or draw something really beautiful - something that comes from that place beyond self, where time has no meaning and things are simple and ordered and chaotic and perfect - and then I stop, amazed by my own creation and the truth that shines through it. I know that my next attempt won't be that inspired so I don't try again. It's not a good thing. I did that with an art class I took 18 months ago, which frustrates me because I was getting consistently good...so I am not going to do it here.

I don't really have anything profound to say today. Just that I am supposed to be writing a scene for my playwriting homework, I spent the day in a pissy mood for some reason, I worked all day and what I want to do is spend time with my boyfriend but I am determined to finish here first.

Today is two weeks since I started going out with S., as I shall refer to him here. It came out of the blue but has been really - nice, fun, comfortable, exciting, scary. I think it's funny really. After walking the labyrinth, I realized that if I was single and childless for the rest of my life I would be okay with that. For the first time, I could honestly say "God is enough". And then two days later S. asked me out. I spent two days deciding whether or not to do this whole dating thing. I talked to God a lot. I laughed, I fretted, I cried, I had moments of angst and fog and clarity and sobriety and giddiness. I obviously decided to go ahead and give it a try, but there were moments where I wasn't sure that I was ready to 'give up' the new feeling I had just found of actually being content alone.

It blows my mind a little how much of my thoughts are taken up with S. I didn't anticipate that. I also didn't anticipate how much I am afraid of getting carried away and doing something physical that I'll regret, which is not a very valid fear (so far) because we've never been in any situation that would lend itself to getting carried away. I didn't expect to discover that I detatch from postive, happy emotions because I can't cope with them. I knew that I seperate myself from things like pain and sadness and fear - but happiness? Apparently it overwhelms me as much as pain does.

I am connecting dots that were invisable to me several months ago. I don't express emotion physically in real life, which has meant that I don't use my body fully on stage either. I am just starting to notice physical impulses when it comes to expressing emotions, and I am still supressing them half the time - but now I am aware of them, which is a huge step forward for me. I have done some crazy things to cope with 20 years of emotions that I didn't know what to do with. I haven't had a lot of examples of what to do with feelings, unless you count watching someone throw things in anger or run away from pain, or invade other people's space with joy and happiness, or rationalize feelings away all together.

My whole life is going to be one discovery after another. I am beginning to realize that this is never going to end - I will always be finding out new things and learning new things about myself, about God, about those around me.

That might not be really profound, but it is really, really cool.

Broken

I originally wrote this June 5th. I was going to post it then, but the times after that there were other things that needed to be said instead, so I am writing this here now.

I was talking to my mom about faith, grace, God and our difficult journey, our difficult fight to deal with our baggage. I am consistantly overwhelmed with how gentle God is with me. How can He keep forgiving me my trespasses when I am arrogant and selfish and unmerciful and mean and sinful and corrupt and tainted, and deliberately so? Why is there no limit to His love and forgivness, and why do I feel the need to find the end of His patience? It frustrates me that God will never stop loving me and forgiving me. It humbles me and breaks me. I am not worth this. Give this love to someone who won't throw it in your face as if it were so much garbage. Please stop breaking my heart with your endless love. And yet I cling to it with all my soul because I'll die without it. I adore Him and hate myself for my pathetic snivelling weakness. I hate that I will betray Him again. I hate that He will never give me what I deserve, only what He deserves. How can I be so broken, needy, adoring and full of hate? How can I hate the One who loves me so unabashedly, the One I long to love completely?

How can my brokenness be all that He wants? When all I can say is "Help thou my unbelief", how come that is enough? When all I can do is beg for faith, that is all He wants from me. When all I have in me is a tearful cry to be open to Him, He requires no more of me. That is somehow enough even though to me it feels inadequate. How can I have the balls, the nerve to come before the Creator with nothing more than a plea for His grace, His mercy, His faith and His love because I have none of my own and I come to the Lord and Master of the Universe with only the hunger for love and the longing to be filled. Muddy, in rags, filthy and bedraggled I come before Him with grasping empty hands and He says "Come closer, my child". And He gives me more than I can comprehend. He gives me things I can't even appreciate and I throw them away untasted. He calls me His child and He holds me, dirty as I am, and keeps giving until I cannot hold anymore and His gifts spill around me and I'm surrounded. And I don't understand why, or how, He can love me at all. I've never loved Him with the love He deserves. I didn't love Him at all before this year. Such a faulty, pathetic excuse for love, adoration, worship - that's all I bring. The bent and twisted remains of the least of His handiwork, destroyed almost past recognition. And He accepts it with joy as if it were the most precious thing I could ever give Him. Because sadly it is. But that is somehow enough for Him. And it blows my mind and overwhelms my soul until I weep because there is nothing else I can do.

Through writing this the anger and frustration at God's eternal unconditional love subsided. I am now simply grateful and okay with that.

I am still broken by it but I think it is a good kind of broken.

Something My Parents Got Right

I am so thankful for my mother.

I was almost 13 when I got my period for the first time. I was over at a neighbour's house with my brothers and my dad. However, it was okay because I knew right away what was going on. I didn't think I was dying or deathly ill. I knew that I had just made the transformation from girl to woman, and I knew because my mother had told me all about it long before.

I didn't realize that some girls still, in this day and age, weren't warned. I didn't realize that some girls are left in fear, thinking that they are bleeding to death and too ashamed to tell anyone that they are bleeding 'down there' because privates are such a taboo thing to talk about.

That seems medieval in my mind. It's wrong. It turns something that should be beautiful and celebrated, a rite of passage, into a time of fear and shame.

My father bought me a yellow rose when I first got my period, to mark that I was now a woman. It was a time of shy celebration. It was recognized and respected.

It grieves me to know that not every girl has such a beautiful memory of that overwhelming transformation.

My parents were equally upfront when it came to explaining sex to me. I have never had a question that either of them couldn't answer. My mother handled most of the explaining, but there were questions that my father answered, with hardly any hesitation. I am beginning to realize how difficult that must have been for them both, and especially my dad, but it taught me that I can ask any question and get an honest answer. It taught me that my body is not something to be ashamed of, that sex is sacred and joyful. I think it gave me a much healthier view of sexuality. I think that makes it easier for me to set boundaries now, because I'm coming from a place of knowledge and not a place of fear.

I've heard stories of Christian kids who never thought they would stumble in their sexuality and who ended up pregnant. I've heard stories of kids who never thought it would happen to them and then weren't prepared to deal with the rush of everything that interacting with the opposite sex can be. I'm so thankful that my parents were so honest with me. They told me that you think it will never happen, and then you get carried away. They told me that everyone is capable of anything. They encouraged me to make my own decisions, to think through my own choices and accept the consequences and responsibility.

And I wouldn't have known how extraordinary my parents are unless I had talked to my friend, who wasn't told anything about her body or sex by her parents and had to figure things out on her own.

I thank God for the parents He gave me. They aren't perfect - but they did get some stuff very right.

Thank you, Mom and Dad. I feel like I can walk into this new thing called dating with both eyes open because of you.

Thank you.

Labyrinth

Today I walked a labyrinth. I have never walked a labyrinth before, and I had no idea that a labyrinth was something that could be used for prayer and meditation.

I will never forget that now.

Unless I get Alzheimer's or something dreadful.

This was all very timely. I have been pondering on my spiritual life, and my relationship with God. It is something that is becoming more important to me, and I feel like I'm becoming more aware of my need for God in the last two years - especially in the last five months. Even since the beginning of May. In the last week, I was having a conversation with two of my close friends about our future-husband-wish-lists and I realized that for the first time, 'has a deliberate, considered, deep, sincere relationship with God' was on the list for real instead of being on there in a 'oh, yes, I'm a Christian and I suppose I need to marry one too' sort of way.

Today I walked the labyrinth and I had so many things that I could walk it thinking of. I got to the opening and decided to not take any of that in, and let Christ instead lead me where he wanted me to focus. I removed my socks and started. I was so afraid, I was tense and not breathing. I tentatively walked the first quarter of the labyrinth unsure of what was happening. Then I got to a candle that had little glass stones around it, the round ones that you can put in fishtanks. They were all blue and so was the candle. It reminded me of the Holy Virgin. I stopped and looked, and picked up a blue stone. Then, just before I was about to continue, I saw a green sparkle. I put down the blue stone and picked up the only green one. Green, the colour of new life and hope.

These are the thoughts that came to me during my walk.

My mother's chosen name is Hope. My middle name means Grace. These names are not coincidence.
There is trust in you. You do trust Me, when you let go of the fear long enough to see that I am there.
You are loved. I love you more than you will ever realize, and you don't need to run away from that.

When I got to the middle of the labyrinth I sat there and closed my eyes. I held the green stone between my fingers and thought without words. I suddenly had an image in my mind.

I was clothed in white, looking upwards, hands down at my sides. I had just let go of this thick, heavy black stuff that was clawing at me. I had let go of it, and I was now able to fly upwards into the yellow glow of light that was above me.

I saw that and I cried. Deep crying. One of the people in the centre handed me a box of tissues. I appreciated the gesture and accepted the tissues but it made me realize that I need to learn to cry without any way of wiping the tears away. I need to validate my tears, whether they come from a place of pain or a place of joy, and let them fall from my face. I need to let my nose run and be messy because that is the honesty of tears.

After a while the tears subsided and I stood and left the centre. It reminded me of being born. I walked out with my head up. Everyone I met had their heads downcast, as mine had been on the way in.

When I got back to the Virgin's candle I stopped and thanked her and Christ. My head was ringing with the words, "Remind me of this". Over and over and over. After a while I put the green stone back. It felt important to leave it there for the next person to find.

I left my tissues too.

I left the labyrinth lighter than I have been for a while. This strange feeling...I think it is called Peace.

My name is Hope. My name is Grace. My name is Peace. My name is Beloved.

My name is Rebecca.

Stealing Time

May 27th 2006:
No one likes crying, but tears water our souls. - Xinran, author (1958 - )

These words seem so important to me that I feel like I need to write them down everywhere I go, like prayer stones on a Tibetan mountain side. I just finished reading "Sky Burial", which was one of those books my mother thrust at me and I reluctantly agreed to read, rolling my eyes until I got sucked in and found myself watering my soul.

It reads like a fairy tale. It shouldn't be real, but it did really happen. It's heartbreaking. Like Sofia Mendes says, "Love is a debt. When the bill comes, you pay in grief." That quote is from"Children of God" by Mary Doria Russell...another author my mother introduced me to. While I don't know if I fully believe that, there is a fragment of truth to it.

May 29th 2006:
I haven't had a good chunk of brain aware time to write here, but I have been writing - snatching moments of time to put down a few scattered thoughts on whatever tree pulp product is nearest. Thoughts like - why my fellow ASM (assistant stage manager) is almost always late. How the thought of losing my father is enough to make me physically ill.

I recently read on my mother's blog that they think it might be hepatitis. It might only be hepatitis. I laughed. It felt like the kind of laugh you laugh before swallowing a bottle of aspirin, a harsh grouse laugh. No mirth at all. Then I went to rehearsal feeling sick and bitter and relieved and angry. Such a wild mix, no wonder I wanted to throw up. There are too many feelings all rumbling together in my stomach.

That, and I'm tired and Vietnamese is not a food I will ever eat again. Last night I went to Calgary to see a movie and eat with about 18 friends. We ate the afore mentioned Vietnamese which hit my stomach badly (though the bubble tea was cool). The movie, X3, was good. I ended up sitting next to a stranger named Michael who used to do musical theatre in high school and was very interested in my current occupation as ASM of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. He memorized the score for Jesus Christ Superstar, and listens to Andrew Lloyd Webber while he studies. He noticed the wasp land on Wolverine's leather jacket; he gave me a piece of gum which was nice until my jaw locked up on one side. It is still tight today. Chewing is an option I try not to exercise when my jaw does this - no chewing (well, limited chewing), lots of massage and pressure point stuff. The muscles will eventually release and I'll forget it ever happened.

Forgetting. Right now in order to simply function, I don't know if I need to forget everything or scream everything out to the world.

At least I'm struggling with a legitimate fear.

May 30th 2006:
These are the thoughts of the past few days.

Today was the first day in a while where I woke up rested. I woke up happy, and then I remembered that today I will find out the first step of my dad's health - probably a 'this ultrasound was inconclusive, we must run more tests' but still, the first step. That made me solemn in a hurry, which sucked because I was full-of-spring-happy before. At least I don't feel like bawling right now, which is how I felt for vast chunks of yesterday.

Please remember me and my family in your prayers. I for one feel the need for God pretty badly right now.

This is something new for me...

...by which I mean pasting technical jargon into this writing space and hoping it works. Many thanks to troll.

Your Inner European is French!

Smart and sophisticated. You have the best of everything - at least, *you* think so.

Who's" Your Inner European?

La la la la la, la la la...

Tonight as I write upstairs in the office I have a tune from "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat" in my head. The lyrics are, as you may have guessed, "La la la la la, la la la..." ad infinitem. At least, it seems that way since they are stuck in my cranium with little hope of escaping or replacing themselves with something different.

I suppose that is my fault, for choosing to be involved in a musical where there are no spoken words at all. Every morning, every evening, and sometimes in my dreams, the music is present and ready to spill out in an inadvertant hum.

I have learned that I absorb music at a much faster rate than some of the people I live and work with. I had been told that, but now I have something to compare against. After hearing a piece of music three times it is almost perfectly in my head, and if I set out to learn it, I only have to hear it twice and it (almost always) will be settled in to stay. The lyrics are what takes the most effort to learn. If someone sings the wrong words, I can understand that. I do not understand how people who have heard a piece of music can sing the wrong notes.

Today I set off the alarm while entering the office. I walked in and the alarm didn't make that little beeping sound it makes when you trigger it, the sound it makes to let you know you have to disarm it, and so I kept on going. Suddenly there was noise, and I got rattled, and then couldn't turn it off, and in a panic I left the office to stand outside until the local fixer-of-all-things-broken arrived to turn it off. He thought it was very funny. I'm still a little jumpy. Someone just laughed outside and I flinched.

It is late, and I am suddenly tired. I have a full day of rehearsal tomorrow, but I feel better knowing that I have given a sign of life here.

If any of you pray, please pray for my dad. He is going for an ultrasound for potential pancreatic masses. There are people I work with who have recently lost people to pancreatic cancer, and this scares me more than I have admitted to anyone. I do not want to lose my dad. Not yet.

As soft and sudden as a red rose

I just realized that it will be 8 months before I am back at my parent's house. That is 8 months of school and summer...and though it seems long right now, I just got the overwhelming understanding that it will be gone in the blink of an eye.

Time goes so fast. I'm sure tomorrow I'll look in the mirror and I'll be wrinkled, 80, and hopefully happily married with healthy children and grandchildren.

That's okay. As quickly as I was overwhelmed with all that will happen in the next year, I was filled with peace about my life. It will be well with me, I somehow trust that.

My eyes, the window to my soul

I started writing about watching a movie last night with my youngest brother, and realized that I haven't made any mention whatsoever of his newest escapade. He is now introducing his girlfriend as his fiance. They came to see my last show and he just casually dropped the word 'fiance' in conversation. I had a very controlled fit so as not to hurt anyone's feelings. I was so glad for my friend L., who, when she found out, yelled "Fiance?" before regaining control and congratulating them.

By the fourth time of introducing them as a couple I managed to get the word fiance out without it sounding garbled, which I think is important. I don't know - I think they are far too young (18 and 15) and at the same time, a little part of me keeps saying that it is their choice, not mine, and all I can do is be supportive.

I don't like her family. I like her, for which I am thankful. I realized one day that it was entirely possible for the boys to choose mates whom I would despise. Thank God, that hasn't happened. I like the girls they have chosen. I just don't like Youngest's future in-laws. They are so chaotic, so rude, so oblivious, so stupid - so different. They are soooo different from us, I don't know how he can stand to live there. Her mother doesn't seem to realize how rude she is, and she seems to derive some sort of sadistic pleasure from tormenting her daughter. The older sister gets on my nerves. Their world view is miles away from my own. I don't feel like I have any common ground, both with future-sister and especially with her family. They aren't into the books I'm into, they don't watch the movies I watch...or if they do, it is in an infantile way and from an immature perspective. How am I supposed to bridge that gap? I really don't want to have anything to do with them, which I thought wouldn't be a problem to achieve, except that somehow every time I come home I end up spending some of my precious time with them.

Yesterday, when I was planning on watching a movie, Youngest Brother came over with his fiance. Okay, that's fine. I like them. But they brought her sister, without telling me in advance. I don't handle surprises very well. My thoughts read on my face and I can't hide my initial reaction quickly (which is great if it's a good surprise but not so wonderful when my reaction is "What the hell did you do that for?"). Oh well. Either she didn't notice or she graciously ignored it...which, despite the picture I have painted, probably isn't out of her grasp.

I suppose that I could be much more gracious towards them. I somehow end up feeling like the upper class person in a gathering of hoodlums. I hope I don't communicate condescension when what I'm feeling is confusion.

On top of all of this, I realized today that my brother has changed and I don't know him like I used to. That filled me with grief. I feel like I'm losing my brother and I don't know what comes next or how to stop it from unfolding in front of my eyes. He's becoming more like them, more like his fiance's family, and less like the brother I had a year ago.

That certainly doesn't endear them to me. He's started playing mind games and he doesn't see it, even when I point it out to him. He's thinking in an-eye-for-an-eye terms when what would work a lot better would be removing the body attatched to the eye altogether.

Pray for him, please. And for me.

Thank you.

Time to Breathe

I am sitting at my parents computer, wondering what to write. I arrived last night after a long day of sorting out last minute details and driving, lots of driving. I managed to get home in one piece, although I forgot pajamas and my toothbrush. I had a dentist appointment today, to get my beautiful, strong teeth cleaned and they gave me a toothbrush, and since I was in town I went shopping and bought pajamas among other things. Life would be simpler in a way if I just bought what I needed whenever I went somewhere. All I would have to bring with me would be money. It would be too expensive for me though, and that would get complicated quickly.

I learned that I am like my dad today. I already knew that we had things in common - our unnaturally long fingers and toes, our lips, our sense of humour - but now I know that we both get flustered in situations where we have to think quickly around strangers. At the dentist, I suddenly had to decide whether or not to pay right then or wait. Instead of taking a few moments to figure out what worked best, I frantically took the lady's suggestion to send the bill to my mother and I left. In retrospect, I think I am a little bit like the man who has a terrible banking experience in a Stephen Leacock monologue. I get so crazed that I just do whatever seems proper at the time, only to kick myself afterwards for being so phenomenally ridiculous. Although the dentist situation actually does work out pretty well for me. My mom might have a bit of a heart attack when she gets her mail in the next week or so.

I bought a really cute sundress today. I realized when I was in Toronto last February that I like sundresses, so am now bringing them into my life. Tomorrow I think I will start to sort through all of my possesions that my parents are storing for me. There is no way that I'll be able to bring them back to my cell of a room at school, but there are a few little things I need. And I have some cloth that I'm going to make into either skirts or dresses while I'm here.

This week is supposed to be a sabatical. In theory, I'm only doing what I want to do. That isn't the reality. I'm going to visit my grandparents. I always feel a little bit weird going over to their place by myself. In advance, I don't know what I'll talk about. While I'm there, the time flies by and before I know it I have to leave. Lo and behold, I end up having a great time.

The second person responsible for this blog's existence knows about it now. I told him before I left for my break. It kind of blurted out. So much for being afraid and 'mincing words' about it. I guess that is a good thing, but it does take some getting used to. At least I didn't proceded to send him a panic email like I did when I told my mom - 'don't tell anyone else, I want to tell the boys in my own sweet time, you can tell Dad but no-one else' - it makes me smile now but at the time I was petrified.

I'm a little aprehensive still about having people I know in real life read my thoughts here, but the fear is no longer so strong that it rules my life. This is going to be a week of letting go of the tensions that fear brings - breathing deeply and relaxing my muscles and letting my mind drift where it will. I have earned it.

One side effect is that I really don't have anything else to write at the moment, but I'm sure I'll write again before I leave for a crazy hectic 3.5 weeks of rehearsal. Once it begins, I might not even have the energy to brush my teeth.

Provided I remember to bring my toothbrush back to school with me.