May 27th 2006:
No one likes crying, but tears water our souls. - Xinran, author (1958 - )
These words seem so important to me that I feel like I need to write them down everywhere I go, like prayer stones on a Tibetan mountain side. I just finished reading "Sky Burial", which was one of those books my mother thrust at me and I reluctantly agreed to read, rolling my eyes until I got sucked in and found myself watering my soul.
It reads like a fairy tale. It shouldn't be real, but it did really happen. It's heartbreaking. Like Sofia Mendes says, "Love is a debt. When the bill comes, you pay in grief." That quote is from"Children of God" by Mary Doria Russell...another author my mother introduced me to. While I don't know if I fully believe that, there is a fragment of truth to it.
May 29th 2006:
I haven't had a good chunk of brain aware time to write here, but I have been writing - snatching moments of time to put down a few scattered thoughts on whatever tree pulp product is nearest. Thoughts like - why my fellow ASM (assistant stage manager) is almost always late. How the thought of losing my father is enough to make me physically ill.
I recently read on my mother's blog that they think it might be hepatitis. It might only be hepatitis. I laughed. It felt like the kind of laugh you laugh before swallowing a bottle of aspirin, a harsh grouse laugh. No mirth at all. Then I went to rehearsal feeling sick and bitter and relieved and angry. Such a wild mix, no wonder I wanted to throw up. There are too many feelings all rumbling together in my stomach.
That, and I'm tired and Vietnamese is not a food I will ever eat again. Last night I went to Calgary to see a movie and eat with about 18 friends. We ate the afore mentioned Vietnamese which hit my stomach badly (though the bubble tea was cool). The movie, X3, was good. I ended up sitting next to a stranger named Michael who used to do musical theatre in high school and was very interested in my current occupation as ASM of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. He memorized the score for Jesus Christ Superstar, and listens to Andrew Lloyd Webber while he studies. He noticed the wasp land on Wolverine's leather jacket; he gave me a piece of gum which was nice until my jaw locked up on one side. It is still tight today. Chewing is an option I try not to exercise when my jaw does this - no chewing (well, limited chewing), lots of massage and pressure point stuff. The muscles will eventually release and I'll forget it ever happened.
Forgetting. Right now in order to simply function, I don't know if I need to forget everything or scream everything out to the world.
At least I'm struggling with a legitimate fear.
May 30th 2006:
These are the thoughts of the past few days.
Today was the first day in a while where I woke up rested. I woke up happy, and then I remembered that today I will find out the first step of my dad's health - probably a 'this ultrasound was inconclusive, we must run more tests' but still, the first step. That made me solemn in a hurry, which sucked because I was full-of-spring-happy before. At least I don't feel like bawling right now, which is how I felt for vast chunks of yesterday.
Please remember me and my family in your prayers. I for one feel the need for God pretty badly right now.