Today I walked a labyrinth. I have never walked a labyrinth before, and I had no idea that a labyrinth was something that could be used for prayer and meditation.
I will never forget that now.
Unless I get Alzheimer's or something dreadful.
This was all very timely. I have been pondering on my spiritual life, and my relationship with God. It is something that is becoming more important to me, and I feel like I'm becoming more aware of my need for God in the last two years - especially in the last five months. Even since the beginning of May. In the last week, I was having a conversation with two of my close friends about our future-husband-wish-lists and I realized that for the first time, 'has a deliberate, considered, deep, sincere relationship with God' was on the list for real instead of being on there in a 'oh, yes, I'm a Christian and I suppose I need to marry one too' sort of way.
Today I walked the labyrinth and I had so many things that I could walk it thinking of. I got to the opening and decided to not take any of that in, and let Christ instead lead me where he wanted me to focus. I removed my socks and started. I was so afraid, I was tense and not breathing. I tentatively walked the first quarter of the labyrinth unsure of what was happening. Then I got to a candle that had little glass stones around it, the round ones that you can put in fishtanks. They were all blue and so was the candle. It reminded me of the Holy Virgin. I stopped and looked, and picked up a blue stone. Then, just before I was about to continue, I saw a green sparkle. I put down the blue stone and picked up the only green one. Green, the colour of new life and hope.
These are the thoughts that came to me during my walk.
My mother's chosen name is Hope. My middle name means Grace. These names are not coincidence.
There is trust in you. You do trust Me, when you let go of the fear long enough to see that I am there.
You are loved. I love you more than you will ever realize, and you don't need to run away from that.
When I got to the middle of the labyrinth I sat there and closed my eyes. I held the green stone between my fingers and thought without words. I suddenly had an image in my mind.
I was clothed in white, looking upwards, hands down at my sides. I had just let go of this thick, heavy black stuff that was clawing at me. I had let go of it, and I was now able to fly upwards into the yellow glow of light that was above me.
I saw that and I cried. Deep crying. One of the people in the centre handed me a box of tissues. I appreciated the gesture and accepted the tissues but it made me realize that I need to learn to cry without any way of wiping the tears away. I need to validate my tears, whether they come from a place of pain or a place of joy, and let them fall from my face. I need to let my nose run and be messy because that is the honesty of tears.
After a while the tears subsided and I stood and left the centre. It reminded me of being born. I walked out with my head up. Everyone I met had their heads downcast, as mine had been on the way in.
When I got back to the Virgin's candle I stopped and thanked her and Christ. My head was ringing with the words, "Remind me of this". Over and over and over. After a while I put the green stone back. It felt important to leave it there for the next person to find.
I left my tissues too.
I left the labyrinth lighter than I have been for a while. This strange feeling...I think it is called Peace.
My name is Hope. My name is Grace. My name is Peace. My name is Beloved.
My name is Rebecca.