Thursday, May 04, 2006

My eyes, the window to my soul

I started writing about watching a movie last night with my youngest brother, and realized that I haven't made any mention whatsoever of his newest escapade. He is now introducing his girlfriend as his fiance. They came to see my last show and he just casually dropped the word 'fiance' in conversation. I had a very controlled fit so as not to hurt anyone's feelings. I was so glad for my friend L., who, when she found out, yelled "Fiance?" before regaining control and congratulating them.

By the fourth time of introducing them as a couple I managed to get the word fiance out without it sounding garbled, which I think is important. I don't know - I think they are far too young (18 and 15) and at the same time, a little part of me keeps saying that it is their choice, not mine, and all I can do is be supportive.

I don't like her family. I like her, for which I am thankful. I realized one day that it was entirely possible for the boys to choose mates whom I would despise. Thank God, that hasn't happened. I like the girls they have chosen. I just don't like Youngest's future in-laws. They are so chaotic, so rude, so oblivious, so stupid - so different. They are soooo different from us, I don't know how he can stand to live there. Her mother doesn't seem to realize how rude she is, and she seems to derive some sort of sadistic pleasure from tormenting her daughter. The older sister gets on my nerves. Their world view is miles away from my own. I don't feel like I have any common ground, both with future-sister and especially with her family. They aren't into the books I'm into, they don't watch the movies I watch...or if they do, it is in an infantile way and from an immature perspective. How am I supposed to bridge that gap? I really don't want to have anything to do with them, which I thought wouldn't be a problem to achieve, except that somehow every time I come home I end up spending some of my precious time with them.

Yesterday, when I was planning on watching a movie, Youngest Brother came over with his fiance. Okay, that's fine. I like them. But they brought her sister, without telling me in advance. I don't handle surprises very well. My thoughts read on my face and I can't hide my initial reaction quickly (which is great if it's a good surprise but not so wonderful when my reaction is "What the hell did you do that for?"). Oh well. Either she didn't notice or she graciously ignored it...which, despite the picture I have painted, probably isn't out of her grasp.

I suppose that I could be much more gracious towards them. I somehow end up feeling like the upper class person in a gathering of hoodlums. I hope I don't communicate condescension when what I'm feeling is confusion.

On top of all of this, I realized today that my brother has changed and I don't know him like I used to. That filled me with grief. I feel like I'm losing my brother and I don't know what comes next or how to stop it from unfolding in front of my eyes. He's becoming more like them, more like his fiance's family, and less like the brother I had a year ago.

That certainly doesn't endear them to me. He's started playing mind games and he doesn't see it, even when I point it out to him. He's thinking in an-eye-for-an-eye terms when what would work a lot better would be removing the body attatched to the eye altogether.

Pray for him, please. And for me.

Thank you.


Jen said...

I am amazed that they are so young an engaged, I don't think it is so great to be that together so young. I don't think it's wrong for you not to agree with what they are doing. I don't even think people that young know what a 'relationship' is, so to consider marriage is insane. but i suppose that's my opinion. my sisters fiance has a totally different family than we do also, but they aren't bad in-laws just different. i can only imagine what it would be like to have thoes rude people in my life. i have this friend that has been engaged since grade 8, i hate her fiance and the idea of marriage that young, i've never told her because i couldn't bare to hurt her feelings, but i think in my mind that it will never last. that's my two cents. i hope you don't mine me commenting so much. i love reading your blogs.

bobbie said...

reading this from your perspective is so interesting. my only sister married an ass. he just is. the kind of guy who just can't seem to have a conversation without sticking his big fat feet in his mouth.

one night we were sitting at my house playing cards. he looks at my husband and says "hey, at least i got the pretty one" what the hell? can't you give my sister a compliment with our dissing me?

so very, very different. i can relate. he the kind of guy who things lord of the rings is satanic - makes me absolutely mental. i have basically lost my sister. she has become a robot. people who read my blog know me better than she does now.

i have just had to think that god has given me people like your mom to replace the broken relationship i have with her now. i feel closer to a person i've never met who lives 1000's of miles away than i do to her now. so very sad. (btw- she loves my husband and we all got along famously until she married this bozo...) oh well...