"How can a person go from liking a person to not wanting to have anything to do with them in less than three hours?" I asked one of my friends the other day. He shrugged. I wonder what his response would be to my new question - how can I explain going from not liking M. to being able to say that I love her in less than three hours?
I don't know that something like that can be explained in any other way than to say "It's a God thing." That's all it is - I certainly didn't find some hidden store of love that I chose to shower upon M. It was like God reached down and gave me a bunch of extra love and that spilled over onto her and it's sticking like toffee to carpet, only in a much better way than that.
And all because I didn't let up on her about her dishes, and then one of my housemates told her that she was only in the house on a probationary measure, and so she snapped and her walls came down. It amazes me how being able to see someone in their vulnerability and weakness makes them so much more human, lovable, understandable...I am able to see her as a person now, and I can extend grace and mercy towards her in a way that I strove for before but failed at miserably.
I learned a lot last night - about M., about me, about living together with my boyfriend's ex and what that means for both M. and myself...and about the attitudes my housemates and I have been carrying in our auras, for lack of a better way to describe it. We really have been unmerciful and judgemental, and M. has been picking up on that so clearly, so much more clearly than I realized.
It is so hard. It is so bizarre - all I can do is shake my head and laugh. God has such a strange sense of humour sometimes. I am her ex's new girlfriend, and somehow I've ended up one of her closest friends right now. I am the one in our house with the most reasons to hate her, and I am the one in our house who has suddenly found myself in a place (God given, granted) to love her the most. And I have the most reason to close myself off to her, and I have had my eyes opened to see the negative attitudes of the rest of my housemates. And I don't know what to do about that.
I don't want to take up M.'s cause against my friends, and at the same time I see that they really aren't giving her much of a chance - and that is their prerogative.
So what do I do? I have prayed to be able to love M., and now I have been given that ability and I want to share it with the rest of my housemates but I can't, and it isn't my place to anyway. It's something that God can show them - if they want to be shown.
And I want them to want that so badly, and there isn't a single thing I can do about it.
Unless I march around them for a week, blowing on a ram's horn...that worked for Joshua.
It could be worth a try, at least.