Wednesday, June 22, 2011

The Darkness

I've been watching a lot of Dexter recently. He talks about the Darkness he has living inside him, that darkness he has to feed else it take over his life.

I can't relate. Not entirely.

Lately I've been struggling. Isn't that how all my posts go? Struggle should be a tag for my posts. Oh wait, it already is.

Last summer I was depressed. It felt like the world was one big dark hole and I was being sucked into it against my will and there was nothing I could do to stop the world around me from falling apart.

If we hadn't gotten Z. I don't know what would have happened. Z. made me get up in the morning. I had to do things because she needed me to.

I feel that dark vacuum sneaking up on me again and I'm panicking a bit. I think I'm aware enough to stop it - to reach out and socialize and keep myself from falling apart - but what if I'm deluding myself? What if there's nothing I can do to keep it from grabbing me again?

I can't stomach another summer like that.

S. and I can't survive another summer like that.

So I'm writing about it. It seems like a slightly futile effort but it's all I have right now.

I'm currently fighting the pull of the black hole, and today I'm winning.

Yesterday I lost. But today I'm winning.

Perhaps that all I can do, go one day at a time and hope that I win more often than I lose.


Erin Wilson said...

Thinking of you. I struggled for a long time until I finally made a doctor's appt and got on meds. I'm not saying you should do that (unsolicited advice is pretty sucky lol). I just mention it to say that I might understand where you're at. Sometimes it helps to know you're not alone.


Daphne said...

This is going to sound completely funny, but that sounds like me when my doctor switches my birth control and I go through the first three months in a deep dark hole. OR for me winter-time is a deep dark depressing COLD hole. Maybe it's a summer thing? Anyways, thinking about you and sending virtual huggies!


Pru said...

Thank you both! It does help to know I'm not alone. It was partially a hormonal imbalance and partly an echo from a few years ago pushing in on me. I find it so odd that the winter is my emotional up time - not many people find it that way!