I am here...

Life feels like a big question. I’d like to know where the answers are but I suspect they lie at the end of the journey. I’m not ready to be at the end, so I guess I’ll find them like every other mortal – by living my life and making my mistakes – but that seems so hard right now.

I find myself writing "Rebecca was here [insert date here] and she was [insert emotional state here]" on walls, on floors, on pieces of set around the town. I don't know why, but it helps somehow.

S. shaved his head last night. I like it a lot…he’s even more distracting than he was before. I love it when you rub someone’s head and it feels like it’s covered in velvet. Plus it looks really good. Mmmm…

I’m listening to music on an iPod, which is a new experience. I’ve been instructed in the use of the little thing, which is a wonder to me. Five buttons and a little dial and that’s all you need to listen to hundreds and hundreds of songs. Weird. It’s S.’s iPod so it’s all his music. It is both educational and interesting to listen to and see where our tastes meld and where they take sharp departures.

I should be working right now – but I thought I should also put something on here to let myself know that I’m still alive and capable of creating something independent of school work, even if it’s small.

That feels like an answer. An answer I needed.

Rebecca was here January 22nd 2007, and she was comforted.

That's enough for now.

Brighter days

I'm not feeling quite so overwhelmed now. I still don't have time to write more than a paragraph, but at least my soul doesn't feel like it wants to escape my body anymore...and I don't feel as stressed out...

Ashes

I feel like I am holding a monster at bay with a crucifix that I have only just realized is made of popsicle sticks.

Eventually the monster will realize I have no real power backing me up...

Marketing...

...is a monster that devours your soul.

It certainly devours your time, anyway.

Random Thoughts for the New Year

My youngest brother broke up with his girlfriend last night.

This time I think it might stick.

This is a first for our family, which continues youngest brother’s fine tradition of being the first one of us to do anything. It’s a little embarrassing as the oldest to have him constantly beat me to the finish with things, but then again there are some things I’m perfectly happy to watch someone else do them first so I can learn from their mistakes, or, even better, simply avoid doing completely.

I saw them together a few times over the holidays and they seemed okay but I knew from talking to him that things were pretty rocky. I’m not surprised they broke up, although I’m a little surprised that he did the breaking.

xxxx

My holidays have been pretty eventful, I suppose. I didn’t do a lot. I stayed at home for the most part, used the computer, burned myself some CD’s…did a bit of shopping and spent some time with family members…went to two family gatherings…went for a very long walk by myself…talked to S. on the phone…wrote…memorized lines…realized that I haven’t done any of my Faith and Art homework (sorry, Steve)…and I learned a lot about myself. Things I can honestly say I didn’t learn willingly. I’m egocentric and arrogant. I’m wilful and territorial. I also have a healthy dose of aggression.

I also came to the conclusion that two adult women who are related should never share a house for more than a week, and that if anyone uses the phrase ‘co-dependant’ around me again I may very well unleash some of my aggression on them. But both my mother and I are still alive so I would say the holidays were a success.

I think I can safely say that I have never been such a pain in the ass as I’ve been these holidays. I’ve been argumentative and in such weird moods. Even I don’t know why. I think it is a good thing that I’m going back to my own little village tomorrow – as much as my mother might miss me, she’ll be glad to have a break from me for a while.

xxxx

I bought a laptop in December. It was supposed to be here by now but Purolator lost it somewhere, so now Dell is looking for it. If they can’t find it (and I’m not sure how they will if the Purolator people can’t) then they are going to build me another one. I’m very impressed with Dell – not very impressed with Purolator. At least I’m still getting the computer, even if it will arrive two weeks later than it was supposed to.

xxxx

My cat has vanished again. When it gets cold he goes to his second family for better treatment, which I understand but it does mean that I don’t see him for months on end. He hasn’t shown his whiskery face the entire time I’ve been home. Instead, Mack (an orange stray) has been sunning himself on the deck. Emma, my dog, has been here and happy to see me. S. sincerely prefers cats to dogs – he thinks that dogs are useless – but Emma was here when Felix abandoned me for creature comforts.

I’ve been considering getting a kitten, and now I won’t feel like I’m betraying Felix quite so badly.

Interesting, for a non-morning person...

"You are Sunrise"

You enjoy living a slow, fulfilling life. You enjoy living every moment, no matter how ordinary.You are a person of reflection and meditation. You start and end every day by looking inward. Caring and giving, you enjoy making people happy. You're often cooking for friends or buying them gifts.All in all, you know how to love life for what it is - not for how it should be.

http://blogthings.com/whattimeofdayareyouquiz/ is where I got this particular quiz. Thanks, troll.