As I am writing this, my eyelids are trying to fall down to protect the burning orbs that once were eyes. My shoulder muscles are pulling on my neck and jaw, trying to meld my entire upper torso into one shapeless, mindless lump. I have not been this tired since yesterday...which makes me laugh for some reason. Before this week, I didn't know that a person could be so tired even when getting 9 hours of sleep a night. Before this week, I had no idea that performing could be so draining.
For some reason, the powers that be at this wonderful art school schedule classes either right before or right after our student show. I understand that there are no other times in which to place these necessary classes - but it is so hard to go to a class when all I really want is an extra hour or two in bed, sleeping the sleep of the dead. Of course, now that I have some time I'm not sleeping, I'm writing here, but it is the weekend tomorrow, and once again I will skip church to sleep and do my own thing. Sundays are pretty much my only day of rest (Saturdays are school days and Mondays, the end of my personal weekend, I devote to homework). Plus I'm sick to death of people by Saturday evening and the idea of cutting short my sleep to voluntarily be among a crowd doesn't appeal to me at all. I joke with my friends that I am becoming a heathen but I wonder if I am indeed missing anything important in my spiritual life.
This summer I pretty much boycotted church. I disagreed with almost everything the local pastor had to say and didn't feel like I was getting anything except a cynical attitude and muscle tension out of the Sunday excursion, so I stayed home and played computer games. Or cleaned the house. Or read, or slept. I didn't feel like going to church but I felt like I was missing something important, and I didn't know where to get it. When I came back to school, I found that the church here answered the need I had but now I'm back to staying at home sleeping.
Do I answer the physical needs or the spiritual needs?
Right now, I'd say my body is winning except that I'm here at the computer expressing myself in a way that meets some other need I have - something that answers a question my body wouldn't ask.
I didn't come here to wonder aloud about church. I came here to complain about school and how much stress I'm experiencing. I have never before gotten stressed out, which sounds like bullshit but I know I'm stressed now and I've never had this kind of a response to stuff. How did I go through a whole year of school and not feel stressed? I don't know but last year I managed it. Maybe now it's all making up for lost time.
I've had three migraines in three months and if I don't go get some sleep, I'll be begging for #4.
Or maybe it's a sign from a vengeful god...