Notes I wrote in church while I perhaps should have been giving Oz (the preacher) my undivided attention, April 9th 2006:
Oz said it is easy to be confident in God when we see him aiding us, easy to trust. When it seems we are alone trust comes hard with tears and moaning, weariness and anguish.
Why is it so hard to remember the good times, so easy to second-guess the things I know to be true? When I am struggling it seems that is all there is. When I’m flying it seems that the trust is so present and easy. The memories of tears and frustration fade away. Why? Human foible? I am beginning to think it is inevitable.
This rehearsal process has made me a different person. “I’ll trust God but I’m still going to cry about this.” - Oz just said this. I have started learning so much about myself. I hate being weak. I hate looking messy in public. Crying messily makes me feel like a huge loser. I haven’t seen anyone in my growing up handle pain in a healthy way. I have cut myself off from my body. I have pushed pain down into my deep self and I continue to do so on a subconscious level (though I am becoming aware). And by doing so I have cut myself off from my source of power. But I have begun to learn to change. I am beginning to know what being in my body is, what allowing myself to fail is. I am most afraid of failure and I didn’t know that before. Failure and being alone. Two things that started when I was so young the roots are almost lost to me.
I have begun to ask for help when I need it. I have begun many good things. I have prayed more this term than I can remember ever praying before in my life. I never would have believed that I could have survived something like this term. I didn’t think I would survive this term. I didn’t think I would find solace and comfort where I’ve found it.
Fear is a big thing, but unlike Oz I don’t think it comes from sin or un-dealt-with sin alone. It comes from lies you are told. It comes from lies you tell yourself. It comes from things you are taught as a child. It comes from unrealistic expectations you place on yourself, expectations you can never achieve.
Feeling broken has hurt so much, but I don’t think – I know – I would not have grown where and how I’ve grown without the breaking I’ve gone through. And I think I will always be doing this. Breaking and growing, scars being ripped open and healed anew. It will be a constant hurt and a constant renewal and peace.