I had a dream.
In my dream I had a giant moth for a companion. It’s name started with a G and had a lot of vowels in it; it was at least nine letters long. I remember seeing it written down and saying it, feeling it in my mouth. It was gone as soon as I woke up.
The moth was my guardian, protector and guide.
I was riding on its back when an Ecthroi who looked like Mr. Jenkins popped up in front of us, floating in the air, completely out of place in the world of northern trees and familiarity, completely unfazed by the surrounding, intent only on one thing.
And more than that, the tiny ball of light deep within me.
Its stare hurt me, scared me. I closed my eyes to keep the light inside so it couldn’t be stolen away. Its gaze kept going through me, I had to curl up to keep the light safe, eyes closed hands clinging to the fur covering G--------‘s body.
And then something made me stop. I stopped shaking. I let go of the fear.
I opened my eyes and uncurled my body and looked the Ecthroi in the eyes and let the light out.
Instead of going away it grew bigger until my whole self was alight, light was pouring from me and filling the world, and the Ecthroi screamed and was vanquished, vanishing into nothingness before me and the un-defeat-able light that lived within me.
We had won. I had past the test. The light that had endangered me had saved me; what has brought the attention of the Ecthroi had defeated it.
This is my life.
I am surrounded by Ecthroi, and I can’t see my moth-guardian and I feel very alone. I feel that I am the Farandoli being seduced, promised an easier way if only I stop the dance, stop the song, let the light go away and then they’ll leave me alone.
They don’t tell me what will happen if I stop, if I surrender. I will be left alone, ‘in peace’ but they don’t tell me what their peace is.
I am so tired, their call is beginning to sound reasonable. Sensible. Easier at least.
The thing is…I know what will happen if I stop dancing and I just can’t let the light die.
It hurts so badly. It’s so damn hard. I am so afraid. And I feel so alone.
I so easily forget the dreams.
They seem to be the only way that God will speak to me any more and they are so often gone when I open my eyes.
The light isn’t getting any bigger. It isn’t chasing away my enemies. They aren’t afraid, they aren’t screaming and vanishing; they’re whispering, comforting, telling me gently that my light isn’t really there, there isn’t anything to let die in the first place …there is no sun, there is only the lamp that I have changed with my childish imagination, isn’t that a silly thing to do! I feel like I am surrounded by fairy book characters – Ecthroi, the Green Lady – but I have no fairy tale saviours. There is no Aslan to save me.
Yet I know that this battle is important. That my light matters, that someday I will see the fruits of this struggle but right now I can’t see anything.
Hope is very far away.
Faith is dying.
Fear is everywhere.
The light isn’t getting any bigger. It isn’t getting any smaller although the scope of the darkness seems to be expanding. I’m being shown all the darkness and I don’t get to see any of the light except the small share that dwells within me. It seems pitiful and shabby, and defeat seems inevitable. There is no hope in the vision I am being bombarded with every day.
Why is God silent now?
Why does He only speak to me in dreams that fragment and vanish?
I despair, and the Ecthroi gather around me like vultures waiting to feast on my death. But I don’t die and the light keeps flickering.
Date of Origin: November 11th 2007