It seems that God will only grant me small mercies these days. No voice, no consolation from Him, just dreams that flicker in and out of my waking mind and words from the people around me that bring the light back.
Today I had two unexpected conversations that helped me, conversations about trust and letting go of fear and control.
I don’t do either very well. Maybe if I could learn to let go and let God I’d be happier.
One of my classmates told me that he is letting God steer his life. He saw through the show he just finished that if he trusted his scene partner instead of trying to control the scene, then the magic happened. He somehow gained the wisdom to apply that to his life – God as the ultimate scene partner – and he is finding so much peace right now.
I am very envious but at the same time I suddenly saw that I only trust God with reservations, which isn’t really trust at all.
That is how I trust. With reservations.
That conversation showed me that my lack of trust is really my own insecurity that in some way I won’t measure up – I will be lacking. I am not interesting enough, smart enough, experienced enough…I don’t have the beauty or knowledge to be worth spending time on. I am not worth loving. I am not worth caring for. I don’t have the faith for God to want to help me and because of that, I feel that I’ll be tested over and over until I learn to trust. Written down I see that doesn’t make any sense. How can I learn to trust if He doesn’t show me He can be trusted? But that is still what I seem to believe.
I am not alone in this either. Every weakness, every folly, people have been perfecting since the dawn of time.
People around me accept me and value me even when I think I have lost everything that makes me worthwhile. I don’t understand. I don’t understand.
To be shown such great mercy when I feel that I deserve nothing is more than I ever expected.
For some reason I have been blinded but God is still all around me. Why is it so hard to trust that to be true? Why do I feel so alone in this?
I know that I need to trust and I cannot.
He gives me small mercies anyway.
Date of Origin: November 12th 2007