I seem to do fine in the moment but when the moment is over I'm left wondering what to do next. My friendships are with people that I've either spent a significant amount of vulnerable time with, or with people who pursue a relationship with me. It never occurs to me to pursue relationships with other people.
And that is the crux of the issue. Am I defective for not seeking out relationships? Does that signify a lack of social skills or awareness? Am I less of a woman for not making friends quickly and easily?
It's not that I don't like people, or that they don't like me.
That is what I started writing yesterday.
But yesterday evening I connected with someone in what felt like a genuine, meaningful, and sincere way. So maybe I was just having a melancholy moment.
I guess we'll see if I maintain the connection after the show is over.